


Wrath

by Fionir



Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Adventure, Digimon Adventure Zero Two | Digimon Adventure 02, Digimon Adventure tri.
Genre: Addiction, Aged-Up Character(s), Angst and Feels, Consensual Violence, Depression, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Sexuality Crisis, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2019-08-21 11:46:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 70,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16575836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fionir/pseuds/Fionir
Summary: TK's novel depicted the perfect happy ending for the digidestined. An ending, too good to be true.It's still quite a few years before that book will be published, but what is true is, that the heroes managed to resolve the long fought conflicts and saved the worlds... so the portals closed again. Their work was done.The digidestined are now in their early twenties. Most of them have finished school. Life hasn't been kind to all of them, but they managed to come this far anyway. It had cost some of them their friendships, relationships... families. Some things haven't really changed though. Matt and Tai's bond seems to be one of them, special as it always has been, or maybe even more so.





	1. The Script

**Author's Note:**

> This is simultaneously a rework and a translation on a short story I wrote in German quite a while ago.  
> I haven't really written a lot of English stories and with it being a foreign language to me, I might be clumsy with words sometimes. If there are repeating mistakes, please point them out, I'm glad to be able to improve. 
> 
> That said, this isn't really proof read by anyone but me. So it's kinda raw. Time's a bitch though, so bear with me please ^^
> 
> Lastly, this story isn't fully flashed out. I have an idea where it's going but it might just do, what stories like to do sometimes... The focus will be on Matt and Tai, but as tagged, there will probably be at least their siblings, maybe more people and their respective relationships mentioned (or even more than that) if it seems to fit. Naturally, I have no clue how long this might get.
> 
> If all that doesn't bother you, please enjoy =)

Matt threw the unprofessionally bound book in the corner with an angry snort. It had arrived in his P.O. Box today packed in a pretty brown envelope. The address had been handwritten with a delicate inscription card inside. Matt didn’t even read it…  
„Calm down, Yamato“, his best friend urged worried. He was sitting at the dinner table his hands clinging to a half empty shot glass. “I can’t believe he did that!” The blond snarled. “It’s just a script, Matt, just… relax” The brunette took the bottle of booze and refilled his friends cup. He took a stern look at the enraged young man. “Just sit down already”, he said focusing to keep his voice calm and pushed the chair next to him back with his foot.  
Matt walked two aimless circles around the room, before finally sitting down with a sigh. “Astronaut and politician, Yagami!”, Matt practically shouted just enraging himself more. “He made you a fucking suit!” Tai just downed his liquor and filled both glasses again.

“It doesn’t even bother you?” the older one questioned with a raised brow. He leaned back in his chair, leaving the booze for just a Moment. Tai shrugged. “It does,” he admitted. “But it’s TK you’re talking about. Just tell him it bothers you… He’s your brother after all.”  
Matt snorted and emptied his cup, just to let himself fall back into the chair again. “Yeah, that’s the problem…fuck! Why does he even make up shit like that? I’m doing fine with the band and all, and he’s still ashamed of me”, Matt stated and focused on Tai’s eyes for a long Moment as if they held the answer.

“Matt…” Tai started, but was quickly disrupted. “No. Don’t even!” He wasn’t in any mood to be comforted right now, he wanted to be angry. That’s why Tai was here in the first place and the booze nearly empty by now.  
“Have you read it yet? TK really put some effort into it”, the younger one kept trying to appease the other and just earned himself a piercing gaze.  
“I don’t need to read it”, Matt hissed raising his voice with every word. “I was there! We all were and he didn’t even think about asking us, if we were ok with this!”  
“You act like he published it.”  
“He printed it! Devil knows how often and for whom!” Matt countered and didn’t even bother to refill his glass. He took the bottle.  
“Use your head again for a second and calm down. You drink too much.”  
“Yeah, and that’s why you’re here”, Matt claimed and grinned madly before emptying the bottle with a big gulp. The booze burned less than it should have… he was too used to it. No wonder he drank at least two thirds of it by himself and didn’t feel much more than a light dizziness and a comforting heat in his stomach.

“That’s not ok”, Tai worried shaking his head and averting his eyes for a moment. He already expected things to go this way when he had heard Matt’s voice through the phone. “That’s what you say now”, Matt purred and put the bottle down. He stood. “Come on”, he demanded touching Tai’s shoulder for a fleeting moment. “Matt, I won’t do this again. You’re destroying yourself.”

Tai didn’t move an inch, when Matt turned and left for the bedroom. He didn’t move a muscle and Matt didn’t turn to look, because both of them knew exactly how this would turn out. Still they had very different outcomes in mind.  
“Come on… or are you chickening out?”, Matt’s voice boomed from the hall, making Tai flinch for a moment. “I’m not doing this, Matt”, he called back clinging to his glass with both hands, his gaze pinned on the table in front of him.

The brunette hat fought with himself for a long time. This thing had gone on for so long, it developed… but the route Matt took these last few months were… too much. Maybe it had started as a game, a funny past time they both enjoyed, but lately… Tai closed his eyes, listening to the silence.  
Shit he didn’t even know what went down between the brothers. He looked up when he heard steps coming his way. He deflated, when he met Matt’s blaming gaze. “What?” Matt puffed arms akimbo. Tai didn’t answer. He let go of the glass and stood nervously pushing his chair back.  
“What?” the blonde screamed taking a step closer. They were barely another step apart. Matt was a little smaller than Tai, but in this instance that didn’t show. Tai was afraid. He was since the moment he had decided on ending this. “Matt… I can’t bear to see you like that anymore.” His voice was stronger than he expected, but it failed to provide any emphasis.  
“You’re ashamed now, too?” Matt fumed, dropping his arms and closing his eyes. But his fists were still clenched.  
“You’re wearing yourself down”, Tai implored and forced himself to look Matt in the face.  
“So you had your fun and now you think you can just drop me?”, Matt hissed his voice growing cold and threateningly calm. “Because You’re fucking afraid!”

Tai didn’t react, realizing he needed to focus now. Use his head, because somewhere along the way Matt had lost his. Matt just took the silence as confirmation, so the next thing he threw at his friend was a fist. He hit his head, spitting whatever his drunken mind had to throw at the other man. The second punch hit Tai’s defending arms instead of his cheek.  
“Afraid of what?” The third punch hit the younger one’s side hard.  
“As if anything ever happened to you!” Matt screamed kicking for the knee, knocking the younger one to the floor. Tai didn’t hit back, he barely tried to defend himself from what was thrown at him.  
“As if it ever hurt you!” He kept kicking his friend, puffing and shouting, but his energy faded fast. His last sweep was stopped by Tai grapping his leg and bringing him down to the floor beside him. He stayed where he landed, just lying there.

It was silent once more, until Tai sat up coughing and groaning. He took a long look at the blond. “Calmed down now?” he asked, voice hoarse and used his jacket to clean some blood from his face. Matt just snorted.  
A few minutes passed before Matt got up without taking another look at Tai and left for the bedroom again.  
“Shit”, Tai cursed before he even heard the clattering. He stood with shaking legs heading towards its source. “Matt”, he screamed stumbling through the hall. He gripped Matt’s arm once he reached him, standing in midst the mess he had made on the bedroom floor.  
“What? If you’re fucking afraid, I’ll have to do it myself!” he shouted back and tried to free himself. The resistance made Tai’s chest hurt, but he didn’t flinch.  
“Stop it”, he tried again, this time calmer. Yet another fist aimed at him, but this time he didn’t just take it. He pulled Matt to the side, sending his friend falling onto the bed, the punch hitting nothing but air. Tai ignored the pain in his side, when he lay down next to the fallen fury.  
“Matt, I don’t want to hurt you anymore”, he explained himself finally. Matt’s eyes filled with tears.  
“You don’t get it!” he screamed shutting his eyes turning his face away from his best friend. Tai tucked himself around the blond and just pulled him closer to his chest. “I won’t leave you”, he whispered, feeling a weak hand trying to hit his chest. “But I can’t go on like this”, he added. He sat up pulling the other man with him in his embrace.  
  
Matt didn’t resist. He felt week and was busy fighting the tears with all there was left in him. But they just came out with all those warm feelings of hatred and anger and deep, deep sorrow. He just let Tai do whatever, sitting in his embrace like a lifeless puppet... “I don’t need your pity”, he growled without any heat behind it.  
“No, Matt, I know you don’t”, Tai agreed with a sigh before silence took over the space again.

 

 

It didn’t take long for Tai to doze off. Matt’s warmth near his chest and his own body being busy fighting the pain with numbness. His eyes just fell shut and his head dropped, burying his face in Matt’s hair. Naturally his grip loosened.  
Matt was wide awake. He freed himself from his friend as soon as he noticed him not moving anymore. He put a pillow beneath the brunette’s head, laying him down gently. The war inside of him was only contained by a thin blanket of detachment. He let his gaze wander his friends frame.  
He had beaten him up pretty bad.  
If Tai had decided to fight back, Matt would have lost, but the younger one had just took the beating. He carefully started to open the buttons on Tai’s shirt and took a look at the bruises that were starting to form.  
He didn’t worry about waking the younger man, unlike himself that guy slept like a stone. Carefully he started feeling his friend’s ribs for anything… off. His biggest concern was that he might have caused more than just some bruises. He didn’t find anything, he was no medic of course, but the examination was enough for him for now. Tai hadn’t even twitched, when he had applied pressure. The other just sleeping peacefully was enough to calm Matt for now.

He just sat there watching the Younger one’s chest rise and deflate with cold eyes. Their relationship wasn’t normal. Matt didn’t want it to be and the anger was still dwelling in his stomach. He didn’t mean everything he said, and his conscience joined his emotions in their endless war. It didn’t seem to do too well though.  
He was just getting up, when Tai moved behind him. The brunette sat up, gasping for air, as he did. “Where are you going?”  
“Water”, Matt answered dryly, getting up and leaving without looking at his friend. Tai lay down again. His head hurt and there was an ugly pain in his side, also the uncomfortable feeling in his chest persisted.  
Tai turned, when two things shook the bed in short succession. There was a bottle of water next to him. He forced himself upright again to take a sip. Matt was sitting on the edge, his eyes fixed on Tai. They were so cold. His face finally started to move, when Tai lowered the bottle and gave it to him. He took it, but just let his arm drop again.  
  
“So… what now?” Matt asked first, his voice calm and controlled but Tai felt a hint of his old friend in there. The friend he was here for. “I don’t know”, Tai answered and moved towards the top end of the bed, leaning against the decorative bars. “You’re the one complaining about how things are now”, Matt reproached. He took a small sip from the bottle before closing it and setting it aside.  
“I’ve trouble watching you… helping you… destroy yourself”, Tai repeated.  
Matt snorted.  
Tai’s head dropped. “We’re going to do this equally or we aren’t doing it anymore”, Tai spoke, his voice firm and his gaze once more fixed on Matt in determination. The astonishment was written all over the older one’s face, before he managed to put on that cold, untouchable mask again.  
“What do you mean?” Matt asked holding Tai’s gaze.  
“It’s easy”, Tai claimed and felt a nervous heat rising to his face, because he knew perfectly well that it wasn’t easy at all. “Flip a coin or something. I just won’t keep doing those things to you like this.”

There was a long pause in which Tai tried to fight the blush about to bloom on his cheeks and Matt to make sense of his thoughts and the matter over all.  
“You’re serious?” he asked skeptically, finally coming to the conclusion that his first interpretation of this seemed to be the right one. Tai gave a nod.  
“I like what we have and I will not just go and leave you for someone else… but we need some new rules to play by, if I still want to be able to live with myself”, Tai proposed calmly, trying to make more sense of what had been troubling him.  
“I know you don’t really like it… I need it, why would we switch?” Matt asked and looked down at the Toys spread across the floor. The things there were just what they were talking about… about no longer only using them on him. He doubted then and there if he would ever be able to be like that to Tai.

“It’s that or nothing”, Tai drew his friend’s attention back to himself.  
“I won’t hold back, just because it’s you”, Matt threatened without real heat, not able to look at those brown eyes.  
“I know”, he said, recognizing the same troubles he had faced lately in the way Matt could no longer stand his gaze. Tai wasn’t just doing this to prove a point. He was nervous, even scared, but he was determined and confident about this being the right thing to do.  
Matt had fallen silent, so it was Tai’s turn to force himself to speak again. “So, Head or Tails?” he said swallowing his doubts about what was to come.


	2. Flipping Coins

A coin was easy enough to find. Matt collected the currencies from his travels in a small jar in his nightstand. He picked a French One Euro Coin and flipped it idly, before turning to Tai again. He sat down across from his friend, studying his features. Tai tried to hide it, but it was obvious he was nervous. His shoulders were even but there was that look in his eyes. They both knew each other for too long for those hiding games to work.  
  
“We don’t need to do this today”, Matt proposed, readying himself to flip the coin anyway. Tai gave a dry laugh. “As if you’d ever give me a chance like this again.” He smiled despite his left cheek being swollen from Matt’s first punch. Matt couldn’t stop himself to mirror it. This was exactly the games they played, well usually with less clothes but the way they pushed each other was similar enough. Matt always missed it a little, when he was with others. “Head”, Tai chose and Matt didn’t hesitate to send the little metal plate flying only to catch it again in a closed hand.  
“So, winner makes the rules?”, he tried to confirm what exactly they were playing for. Tai hesitated for a moment. That was actually a better plan than he had, for what he was trying to get Matt to understand tonight.  
“Pretty much… roles, rules, from now until…” he took a moment studying those blue eyes looking back at him “…forever.” Matt’s expression darkened. He didn’t know what Tai was up to, he didn’t understand the purpose of this but he was eager enough to make Tai regret his own choices. He was certain that Tai didn’t know, what he put himself up to and he was ready to make a point in proving it. It was a low burning anger in his stomach, that wanted to be fed or it would consume Matt all together. “Sure”, he agreed, before opening his hand, so that both of them could see the coin.  
  
Tai’s eyes widened for a moment, as his heart started beating as if to break through his chest. “Head”, Matt announced even though that wasn’t really necessary, meeting Tai’s gaze expectantly. His smile had faded, but there was still that spark of defiance in his eyes and newfound doubts if this would be worth it.  
Tai could still dodge and run, it would prove Matt right for good in doubting his determination and it would probably end up making his anger worse. It would make everything about this worse, because it would end all hope for change.  
  
Tai’s throat was dry when he finally spoke. “No shocking, no enema, no drawing blood.” He took a break to breath, his voice a little firmer when he continued. “No blindfolds for now, and no permanent damage.” In a healthy relationship he wouldn’t have needed to add this, but this wasn’t one. Matt’s smile was predatory but there was softness to it as he gestured Tai to go on.  
Tai gulped down the lump stiffening his voice and forced himself to smile in a more playful demeanor.  He wasn’t quite feeling it, but he just needed to get in the right mind. “And… You’re not getting off before I say so.” Matt reaction was worth the trouble. To clear the confusion he added: “You’re going to show me this from your perspective tonight.”  
He hid his nervousness behind a grin, because that was all he had to not surrender to the fear that made his heart jump.  
  
“Your game, your rules.” Matt shrugged. He had seen enough of it, he tried to tell himself, he knew how this worked, even though he knew this end of it only from stories he had heard. He tried to stay cool, but in fact he was fighting very hard not to snap at Tai here and now. He could just grab a whip and don’t stop till Tai begged him to but he was actually afraid of crossing the lines drawn by Tai. He knew firsthand how a betray of that trust felt, he wouldn’t be the one to make his best friend share the experience.  
Matt had never inflicted. He always was at the bottom, because that’s what gave him exactly the distractions he was longing for. He studied Tai in silence for a long while just to find confirmation in his shaking hands. Tai had never done this.  
Virgin was definitely not the right word, since their arrangement alone had been going on for nearly two years now. But just as Matt expected Tai’s eyes were full of the fears of someone who had never been fucked before.  
A knowing smile formed on Matts face. He’d prove his point and while it was not the same fun he’d expected from calling Tai over, he’d have his fun doing it. He climbed off the bed. Meeting Tai’s eyes as he turned back.  
  
“Undress. When I’ll be back, I expect you to be naked.” Matt commanded with a teasing edge to it. That was the first order of the night. He turned and left for the bathroom across the hall.  
  
Tai flinched when Matt raised his voice, finally deflating from all the tension that had formed in his body. It felt so good Tai nearly forgot what he was supposed to be doing. He still heard Matt’s steps from the bathroom but he hurried anyway. He felt no desire pushing Matt right now… not like he usually did. He trusted his friend, but he also trusted in Matt making his words true. He wouldn’t hold back for him. Tai started with his Jacket. His shirt was already halfway open. The hardest part proved to be his jeans. Leaning forward hurt like hell, so he struggled getting out of the legs for a good portion of the time he had. Luckily his shorts went with them, as he finally kicked everything off the bed.  
Matt’s flat always seemed a little colder than Tai was used to. Sitting naked on the bed made him even more aware of that, as the chill left his hair standing. He also had the first chance to see just how bad a beating he had received earlier. He bid his teeth as he carefully inspected the dark spot covering his right side. He had had broken ribs before, this pain wasn’t quite as bad, but pressuring the area was still rough. There were a few more bruises at his chest, but they were really just that. He stopped contemplating his bad life choices, when he heard step coming closer. A moment later, Matt was back, a fresh bottle of lube in his hand and a towel in the other. Also, he was just as naked.  
Tai followed him with his eyes, as Matt put the items down on the nightstand and went to fetch a rope from the mess of toys still scattered across the floor. But what Tai really focused on, were the dark lines on the others hips and the red marks on his shoulders.  
“You were out yesterday”, Tai asked trying not to show the turmoil it made him feel. Matt didn’t answer, he just kept sorting through some things on the floor while making an effort not letting Tai see what exactly he did. Tai bit his lip. “Why didn’t you call?” He tried again “I was free, we could have.”  
  
“Ok, just shut up already”, Matt snapped at him, “you only talk when you’re asked to.” His eyes were cold, when they turned back to his friend. Was it fair to use his power to dodge that question… he didn’t care too much. Tai fell silent and Matt resumed what he had been doing until he felt ready. He sorted out the rope he had picked and turned again. “Move to the edge”, he ordered and watched carefully as Tai navigated himself across the bed. His movements made it obvious that his ribs still hurt.  
When Tai finally sat in front of him, legs off the bed, Matt leaned in, and spoke in a calm voice.  
“Now’s your last chance to dodge”, he offered. “Already out of ide...” he didn’t let Tai finish his sassy remark. A sharp smack sent him back to silence, as Matt’s free hand hit his right cheek. “I warned you.” He reminded him, leaving the words sink in for a moment, before continuing what he had wanted to say. “So, because this is your first time, I’ll give you one last chance. If you want me to stop at any point… you just have to call for your little sister.” Matt’s smile was straight up evil and it got just the reaction he had wanted.  
“Leave her out of this!” Tai hissed in protest. Matt didn’t bother with savewords usually. Some of his One Night Stands insisted so he was aware of the concept, but especially with Tai, he never had introduced anything like it. He was in it for the pain after all.  
The blond dropped the ropes onto the bed and gripped the others chin, lifting it up. He leaned lower to whisper into his ear: “Careful… or I’ll have to get creative.” Matt warned his second hand slowly moving in to take a hold of the messy brown hair tugging just slightly. “If you want me to stop, you will call Kari. If you don’t I’ll just keep going until I’m satisfied with the results.” But Matt wasn’t a total bastard. Once done talking he made a point of preventing any more opposition by licking Tai’s ear. He knew how much Tai liked that.  
  
Anger boiled inside him, still Tai’s cock twitched at the caressing Matt’s tongue delivered. He’d have to keep himself together. This was just Matt’s usual teasing, only now Tai had chosen to take the role in which he couldn’t just repay him all those little hits to his ego. Matt had done this to get himself pinned to the wall numerous times. He knew how to play to Tai’s weaknesses and not falling for might be the hardest challenge of the evening. But lucky enough Tai was just as stubborn. And he had to prove a point here, too.  
When Matt straightened again, leaving Tai’s space, the younger let out a low breath. Their eyes met for a split second, Matt’s look giving him all the nightmares about what he might possibly ask of him. Tai wasn’t really excited about the possibilities of having to actually give a blowjob. He hoped that at least his last rule would prevent stuff like that from getting too much. Matt wasn’t used to the role he played either, his cock probably not as used to the stimulation of being inside. Then again… Tai could only guess what Matt was up to in the nights they didn’t spent together.  
“Turn and lie down.” Matt ordered calmly, turning to pick up the rope again. Tai followed the instructions, lying on his stomach. This position wasn’t too bad, even as Matt moved his arms to his back, restraining them in a tight knot. Matt worked slowly and carefully and Tai appreciated it. Matt made the point of pressing his erected cock against Tai’s ass as he worked. And when he was done, one of his hands trailed down his back, finishing the little journey with a light smack to Tai’s butt. He jumped a little and was glad he could hide his face in the blanket, when Matt’s throaty laugh made him blush.  
There was a small pause there, before he felt Matt move away and soon heard him shuffling through the toys on the ground again. When the noise ended and Matt didn’t return Tai tried to raise his head and get a glimpse of what was going on. He turned only to see Matt’s hands working on something in front of him, while Tai only could see his tensing back. He couldn’t quite make sense of it. But when Matt took a short, thick plug next, Tai could imagine. There was no sign of lube, and Matt just placed the toy beneath him lowering himself onto it with a muffled groan. The Younger stared shocked, reacting when it was already too late anyway. “Matt! Stop it” He screamed at his friend trying to push himself of the covers harshly reminded of the restrains.  
  
Matt turned back, his gaze cold and unforgiving. He was into it now, Tai must have realized it, as he lowered his eyes. “That was three words”, Matt counted dryly but didn’t move yet.  
“Please don’t do that”, Tai begged his voice heavy.  
“Seven”, Matt kept going, gasping as his ass clenched involuntarily around the toy making it shift.  
“It’s against the rules!” Tai said desperately finding a way to stop Matt’s attempts at inflicting pain on himself.  
“Eleven” Matt counted and finally stepped closer. Tai saw a little silver ball on Matt’s cock… and turned his gaze putting one and one together. Matt leaned over Tai again, making him feel  the length of his cock and the cold metal nub on top of it. He leaned over him until his lips touched the younger one’s ear. He whispered in a humming voice: “Just because it’s not what you imagined, it’s not against the rules.” Even Matt felt the chill running down Tai’s spine.  
  
Tai made a point not to move as Matt’s weight left him again. Only to flinch when Matt suddenly stood in front of his face. He glimpsed upward and saw an ugly mask covering his friend’s face. Tears started to form in his eyes, helplessness and fear overwhelming his usual sense of pride. How had he thought this was a good idea? That it would lead anywhere but further down into their joined demise? Matt’s voice called him back to reality.  
“And you know what you’re going to do now, Tai?” he purred playfully stroking his cock right in front of the brunette’s face. “You’re going to pull it out.” Matt placed his tip in front of Tai’s mouth. Matt’s voice grew louder as the other showed no intention of obeying. “I swear to you, I will fuck you dry”, Matt said, not fully thinking his thread through. He had managed to get Tai to fuck him without preparation, but only in their early days together, when the younger one had still been new to all of this. Going through with this thread Matt would most likely break the no blood rule, he should know that from experience, but he didn’t see that far right now.  
“I can’t”, Tai sobbed.  
Matt’s features froze, his only answer being the new word count. “Thirteen.” Ignoring the desperation was harder than he wanted to let show.  
“Just one more rule…” Tai sounded hoarse and desperate and even though Matt tried to look unaffected it stung his heart. “OK. Go on… I’ll keep counting though”, he gave in, “You’re at seventeen.”  
There was a long pause before Tai spoke again, his voice firmer, but still shaken: “Starting now, you will not hurt yourself, nor will you make me do it for you.” “Thirty-three” Matt answered, as he climbed onto the bed beside the other and guided him into an upright sitting position. He sat himself down onto Tai’s lap, their dicks nearly touching each other. “You’ll regret this more than I will”, Matt commented, wiping away Tai’s tears and running a thumb across his lips. Tai smiled again, it looked forced but a hint of playfulness reached his voice, as he spoke once more. “That’s the point.”  
“Thirty-six”, Matt sight and leaned forward to gently bite the lower lip he’d been caressing before.

Tai moaned silently, as Matt played with his lips. It wasn’t quite a kiss and it wasn’t gentle either, but it was more bearable than anything else, that had happened today. After this little victory it felt easier to enjoy this, even if it felt wrong to him to do so. Matt was good at making things that felt wrong feel so fucking good.  
He felt Matt’s hands in his hair and he would have loved to dig his own into the blond strands surrounding the other’s face. Matt stopped the tender biting to speak again. “You know… You really should have thought this through”, he pondered. Matt’s hands moved down to Tai’s spine until one digit found Tai’s dry hole and idly teased around it. Matt sighed. Tai’s erection had caught up to Matt’s finally. Matt’s hand left Tai’s backside again and finally the other’s lips pushed his open in a desperate kiss, before Matt left his lap again. Kisses like that were rare enough between them, even though Tai found them quite intriguing.  
  
“Lay down and spread”, Matt ordered, walking over to the nightstand to grab the lube. Tai took a moment to get further onto the bed and into the position demanded. The movement hurt, but he just bit his teeth. Matt climbed back onto the bed behind him, sitting down between his legs.  
Matt took a long look at Tai, moving upwards ending on his face. The brunette had closed his eyes but his expression was quite pleasant, very expressive, despite the lag of eye contact, as Matt tested with a few teasing touches.  
He settled for his thumb circling Tai’s Anus, while the other hand gently stroked him, or massaged his balls. No lube yet, he was still working on a masterplan regarding that. It was still a good way of getting Tai’s lower half to relax to touches of that particularly sensitive area. “You have any idea how tempting it is to just fuck you?” Matt began babbling and kept his movements up, as he felt Tai tense a little bit again. “But you really deserve so much worse. You probably won’t last the whipping you deserve for your stubborn disobedience.” He kept monitoring the reactions of Tai’s body. “And I guess the rules will prevent me from putting anything in here that would make up for it.” Matt made a point of pressuring Tai’s hole just enough to put emphasis on his words. “So we’ll just have to make up for each word… one, by one”, he purred.  
He took his hands off of Tai for a moment to open the lube.

Tai was tensing up, as Matt’s touch left him. Nervousness was crawling inside him. His dick throbbed on his stomach, on the edge of hurting from only getting minimal attention. But the touch was back soon enough… He could have predicted what was about to come, but his awareness was down, his will to actually move or think melting to Matt’s hands. So the cold that suddenly touched his skin nearly made him jump.  
He gasped in surprise and earned himself a low chuckle from Matt. He liked that sound. His thoughts were a mess. He wasn’t quite able to distinguish what Matt was doing to him. There was something warm around his dick. It was warm and wet and pleasant but it didn’t fully distract from the slight burn, when something slim slipped through the slick hole even further down. It wasn’t comfortable, but the pain wasn’t bad, strangely enough Tai had the feeling he started to understand why Matt liked being bottom. He sight, no longer thinking too much about it, or the point he was trying to make. He had not expected to actually enjoy this… he wasn’t quite reasonable enough to see that one reason he did was, that Matt went as easy on him as he possibly could, despite what had been said earlier.  
  
Tai’s sigh was exactly the sign Matt had waited for. The other one had been enjoying this far too much. He’d kept things at a torturing slow pace for now, but now that he knew Tai’s defenses were down it was time to pick up the pace, or else they would both be falling asleep over this. Of course that was a weak attempt at rationalization for falling full force for his soft spot. Realizing what he had been doing he plunged his finger as deep as it could go without hesitation and enjoyed the reaction. Tai’s cock twitched in his mouth and he made a noise that was somewhere between a scream and a sigh. Matt kept his finger moving, as he abandoned Tai’s cock once more.  
“You don’t even deserve it but I’ll count this anyway…”, Matt announced and grew annoyed as Tai’s eyes stayed close, giving no sign of actually listening. His face grew colder again, as he picked up the pace with his one finger, shoving a second digit in without a warning.  
Tai squirmed. “Look at me”, Matt ordered, scissoring his fingers inside his best friend. Tai’s eyes met his own, starring back hazily. Did he even see a thing?  
“If you’re already falling asleep I guess it’s time to get serious.” Matt announced. The anger was back. Not necessarily because of Tai, but because of how pathetic he felt for going easy on him after all. His Inexperience was a bigger problem than he had thought it to be… that and the truth that he didn’t want to admit. He didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t want to break what he had built with Tai. And the fear of losing him because of this sudden need for change he couldn’t get himself to understand.  
  
He sped up his progress anyway. It was what Tai had asked for, wasn’t it? “So, every new thing I put inside will forgive you a word”, he explained, as he finished with his first hand. First going digit by digit and finishing up by thrusting three fingers in and out at a slowing pace.  
Matt’s cock was so hard it hurt, especially with the toy inside it. “And if you let me fuck you, I might even count a few more.” He added to account for his growing need and naturally fleeting control.  
He didn’t expect any coherent answer, Tai was too far gone. Alcohol and Exhaustion probably had a part in it, but that wouldn’t stop Matt. To his surprise Tai muttered barely recognizable: “Please.”  
He decided that that was enough of a yes for now and got at it. Pulling the fine metal stick out of his penis first, he prepared it with more lube before lining it up. He had no patience left, now that it seemed so close, it took him all his resolve, to not just slam himself inside. He slowly pushed forward until he was all in. “Matt”, Tai moaned breathlessly his lips trembling. “It burns… It… AH…” Mat just began moving at a reluctantly fast pace. Hearing Tai’s pleasure just made it worse. Matt was supposed to make him pay for denying him the pain he graved. The letting go…  
This didn’t feel like payback. And yet Matt felt good… there was no stopping now, but his thoughts heated his anger and made him go faster.

Fast enough that the pain in his ribs caused Tai to flinch and bite his teeth. It was a rough call back to consciousness, after the bliss he had been carried away by. He lay through the rest, watching Matt with tears in his eyes, until his friend finally came in rough waves sending a burning heat though his insides.  
His own arousal had long faded.  
He wanted to hold his aching ribs to keep himself together but his hands were still tied. He could only try to distract himself from the pain. But there wasn’t much to be distracted by, as his whole body seemed to burn.  
  
Matt pulled out after riding out his orgasm. Letting his gaze travel up Tai’s body, turning to absolute horror as he finally arrived at the pained expression on his friend’s face. He ushered away. “No… no…”, he muttered mostly to himself.  
“It’s ok, Matt”, Tai bit out with a pressed voice, but he didn’t reach him. Tai pulled himself together ignoring the pain pulsing through him. He recognized Matt’s expression and he needed to do something about it fast.  
“Matt, I’m ok”, he insisted focusing on keeping his voice firm. “I didn’t… I… fucking damn… I’m” Mat clutched his own hair keeping his knees close. He was shaking.  
“Matt!”, Tai exclaimed desperate to get through to his panicking friend.  
But Matt was drifting out of reach already.


	3. Allies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Why did I even start naming the chapters, I'm shit at it.)
> 
> They'll keep coming as long as this flash lasts by the way. I'm not even trying to promise this story will ever come to a conclusion. But there'll be smut and enough plot not not be entirely ashamed of it ;)
> 
> Comments are very welcome btw. ^^

„Ishida Yamato! Look at me!“ Tai shouted unable to come up with any other way to get through to his trembling friend. Matt flinched and raised his head with a blank stare. He looked like a deer in the headlights of a truck. “Untie me”, Tai urged, trying not to sound as desperate as he felt. Matt just sat there for a few seconds and the younger one started to worry if he’d just jump and run any moment. It was a dreadfully long pause, before Matt slowly crawled towards him.  
Tai turned to his side, biting his teeth, as his weight pressed down on the bruised ribs. He didn’t dare to show Matt his pain right now. Matt carefully loosened the ropes. Tai felt his shaking fingers brushing against his back. Then his hands were finally free and he didn’t lose any time to turn and pull Matt closer, before he could shy away again.

He put Matt’s head to his shoulder, burying his face in the blond hair. “Now calm down”, he whispered, “I’ll be alright. You’ll be alright.”  
It wasn’t the first panic attack he had to witness. “Just breathe.” He said stroking Matt’s back with light touches. They stayed like that until the trembling faded. Matt was breathing evenly again. “I’m sorry”, he whispered, his head still resting on Tai’s chest. He felt the other’s head shake lightly.  
  
It had been late afternoon when Tai had arrived at Matt’s flat. Hours had passed since then and nothing could have made him guess this to be how their night would go.  
“You free tomorrow?” Tai asked, gently combing through Matt’s messy hair, mostly he needed to do something… anything to distract himself from his aching ribs. The answer was a slight nod. “Let’s just get some rest then”, he concluded navigating both of them into a lying position. He didn’t need to ask for Matt to help him sort out the blankets, they just moved until they had freed enough of it to cover them. Tai lay on his back minimizing the pain. Matt’s head rested on his arm. He barely reached it, but his fingertips faintly brushed the blonde’s back.  
It didn’t take too long for both of them to fall asleep like that.

 

 

 

Matt was the first to get up in the morning. A familiar stretch, making his ass burn. He growled a little uncomfortable as he pulled the plug. Sitting up at the edge of the bed he looked back to Tai. His face wasn’t as relaxed as it should have been, but he was sleeping peacefully for now.  
His memories were blurry, but he still had a decent idea of the evening. “Fucking idiot”, he muttered before getting up and leaving for the bathroom.  
He decided it would be best to not disturb Tai. He was probably sore, most definitely still in pain and Matt still wasn’t sure how he would be able to look him in the eyes again. He was glad to have quite a few things to do, while trying not to think about it; first of those being a shower, a nice long one. His own soreness was mostly emotional. But letting the cold water run until his skin prickled was nice anyway. He got a bath for Tai ready, it might still be an hour or two before the sleepy head got up, but the water would keep warm in the heated tub.  Matt had left his clothes in the bathroom yesterday, so he just put those on again. Before he left, he also turned up the heater.  
He knew Tai liked it warmer than he did. And he was trying to assure himself, he was not an inconsiderate asshole.

He prepared some things for breakfast next, cutting vegetables and getting some rice cooking. It would keep warm until Tai woke, but the omelet wouldn’t so that would have to wait until later. After that Matt cleaned the mess at the table, putting away the empty bottle, cleaning the glasses, putting the chairs back. There were a few small stains on the floor he cleaned.  
It took a good portion of time of the clock, but when Matt went to see how Tai was doing his friend was still fast asleep.  
He was left with the question what else to do, to keep him from thinking about the metaphorical pain in his chest. He defaulted to his guitar. He had isolated a corner of his living room for recordings. It wasn’t closed off, but after closing the door to the bedroom Matt found it to be calm enough not to disturb Tai.  
He played in low tones anyway. Just testing melodies and whispering some lines to them whenever they came to mind. He was the lead singer and writer for his band and he loved it. He wasn’t too good at dealing with the growing attention, but somehow his natural charm seemed to cover that. They gathered fans even as they changed names and members over the years. He already had some crazy fangirls standing on his doorstep a few months ago.  
He forgot time sinking into the melancholic melodies at his own fingertips.  
  
Tai still slept for a little more than two hours after the older one left the bed.  
He started regretting waking up the second the pain got through to him again. “Shit”, he growled slowly sitting up. Then he heard the guitar and the low voice not quite singing to it. And even though he felt like he had been hit by a car, listening to Matt made him smile.  
He breathed slowly, because his ribs were killing him. The pain had gotten worse, but he’d had bruised ribs before and knew it just was how this went. He carefully inspected the bruise, it had darkened a little but that was normal too. His ass didn’t feel nearly as bad, but he certainly felt the soreness. First and foremost he felt sticky though. As pleasing as treating himself to this little private concert was, he needed a bath.  
Getting off the bed, his legs shook for a moment, but they didn’t give in. He was still walking funny, as he made his way to the door. He tried not to make a noise, but Matt seemed to notice him anyway. He heard him set down the guitar, as he entered the bathroom.  
The warmth in there was soothing o it’s own.  
  
Matt followed a moment later and closed the door behind them. Tai turned, but Matt lowered his head. “Come on… I left you in worse shape already”, Tai said, stepping closer and lifting the others head to look at him. Matt’s eyes showed all of the hurt and anger, even though he tried not to. Tai made a point by leaning in to leave a faint kiss on his forehead. This wasn’t half bad. They had clashed worse. Usually when they started hitting each other things got ugly.  
“This is different”, Matt insisted, turning away. Tai knew this was not the right time to fight about it, even though he really wanted to. It would just make Matt run away. So he just adjusted the shower for his height and cleaned himself in silence. “You gonna rub my back next?”  He tried to lighten the mood. Matt threw a sponge at him, so it seemed to be working. “Just get into the tub already”, he ordered keeping a close eye on Tai as he obeyed. The way the brunette walked was all too familiar it almost made Matt laugh. He seemed fine considering the outcome of their night though.  
“How’s the water?” Matt asked as his friend settled down. Tai just sighed only now realizing how tightly wound some of his muscles were. Tai closed his eyes leaning into the bath. The water was a little hot if anything, but that actually seemed to be perfect for all the soreness. It wouldn’t be too good for the injury but Tai had never been a huge fan of cooling packs. Matt for his part didn’t need more answer than that.  
“How are you?” Came the next question. Matt didn’t seem to plan on leaving him for now, which was a first. Tai looked up at his friend’s worried face. “I’m ok… sore, but I’ll get by”, he answered. He smiled at the blond. “How are you doing?” Tai asked, because Matt had been the one having a breakdown after what had happened. “I’m fine”, Matt said not really answering, because that’s what you said when you didn’t want to talk. Tai sank a little deeper into the water, enjoying it while he could.

“So what were you up to today?” Tai asked after a while.  
Matt shrugged. “The usual.”  
Tai knew what that meant. He thought about it for a moment, but he really wasn’t up for any partying and he really didn’t want to leave Matt alone now. It was Friday and Tai had taken the day off, after he got Matt’s call yesterday. “Mind me staying the weekend instead?” he asked. It wouldn’t be the first time for Tai to stay over; in fact it happened quite frequently.  
Matt smiled quite pleased. “Sure… I’ll have work tomorrow though.” “I think I’ll manage” Tai answered, his smile wide. He was pleased with the situation overall. And he was a little relieved Matt’s mood didn’t seem too bad. The older stayed another while before announcing: “I’ll go and make breakfast.”  
He turned again in the doorway. “Don’t soak too long, It will make the pain worse in the long run.”  
“Thanks”, Tai answered watching the door close and already missing the company.  
Was this how normal couples worked? Probably still far from it, but it felt nice. Even sore and beat up it did.

Tai tried to follow the advice, but it felt so wrong getting out of the water, when he could have just dissolved into it. His clothes were still back in the bedroom so he just took a towel for now. When he got to the living room there were already two plates waiting. Matt was whistling while cleaning the pan. “That looks delicious” Tai said, sitting down in front of one portion. Matt joined him just a moment later. He eyed Tai’s bruised chest for a moment, before sitting down. “What are you waiting for?” Matt asked raising a brow. He seemed a little more himself now and it took Tai a moment to figure out why. There was a sake bottle next to the fridge. He looked at his own glass suspiciously and went on to grab Matt’s before he could intervene.  
He took a sip confirming his suspicion and handed it back. Matt’s eyes turned cold, but none of them said anything. They went on eating in silence.

 

 

 

When their plates were empty they both had had some time to sort their thoughts.  
“So… Are you still set on this?” Matt was the first to talk. His neutral mask settled in place once more, he was already expecting this talk to be unpleasant. Tai emptied his water before answering. “I probably won’t let myself get beat up beforehand again… but yeah”, he answered. His eyes showed a sadness Matt couldn’t understand. It was his own choice, why would he be sad?  
“You know you don’t have to… I’ll be fine if you wanted to… end this”, Matt said swallowing a lump building in his throat.  It would hurt, but he’d be fine, he tried to tell himself. Tai laughed dryly. “Yeah I know you’d be… until one of your ‘dates’ did a real number on you.” Tai wasn’t jealous. He was worried. “Is that what this is about?” Matt asked and stood to get his plate to the sink. He also filled his glass before he got back.  
“Seriously Matt”, Tai sighed watching him sip the sake.  
“I’m doing fine!” Matt insisted, not looking back at him or even considering anything wrong about having sake with his breakfast. He was a grownup, not especially good at it, but he could decide stuff like that on his own.  
“Fine, no need to talk then” Tai concluded, standing to get the liquor and filling his own glass.  
  
Matt actually looked a little surprised, when Tai got back to the table and downed his glass in one gulp. He had actually been about to stop his friend, but got ahold of himself as he understood the hypocrisy. “I don’t get you”, he muttered. “Yeah”, Tai said bitterly, “I know.” Because if he did, he wouldn’t miss the obvious parallels. How could he not see them after this?  
“So… what do you want? You want this to be exclusive? You want me to stop going out alone?” Matt tried to find the angle that would finally reveal what the hell Tai was trying to achieve. Jealousy was an angle he would get. In fact, he hated going out with Tai because of it. He liked flirting… But when he was out with his best friend he always seemed to be busy chasing off people flirting with the brunette. He had never really thought about it, but he would in fact, choose Tai over his One Night Stands without thinking twice about it. It actually hurt a little when Tai answered:  
“No. I wouldn’t ask that of you.”  
  
Tai sighed. It was like talking to a deaf person. What more could he say, to get him to understand. “I just want you to take care of yourself.”  
Silence took over again. Matt finished cleaning the table and started doing the dishes. He put away the sake and got them both coffee instead. Tai moved to the couch, still only wearing the towel around his hips. He kept watching Matt, contemplating how else to express himself so that he’d get it. The fact he wasn’t fully on par with his own feelings didn’t help. He knew. He knew what he wanted to say, but just couldn’t get himself to. He was afraid that even that wouldn’t get through to Matt. And he was afraid of being pushed away. Because knew what had gone down between Yamato and Sora. He never figured out what happened between him and his family though. It just seemed like he had pushed away everyone close to him. They hadn’t been talking too much in the two years this had been going. Matt knew how to distract Tai, when he didn’t want to talk and it took Tai way too long to notice. It was all innocent enough in the beginning, but that had changed with his friend’s preferences.

When Matt came over with two cups, Tai made some space for him.  
He put the drinks down and sat, brushing Tai’s side just slightly. The brunette inhaled sharply. “You should see a doctor”, Matt advised just getting a dry laugh as an answer.  
“Did you see the stripes on your own body?” Tai countered.  
“They’re getting better”, Matt whispered. He felt Tai’s eyes on his back.  
“I’ll get better too”, Tai mirrored his answer and pulled Matt back against his naked chest with one arm. He was ready to leave the topic for now. He’d find a way to get through to the stubborn musician. He’d cuddle him into getting it, if he had to. Probably after his ribs were healed though... right now, cuddling sounded painful.  
  
  
Matt relaxed against Tai; it was comforting, not only physically. He had no way of expressing it, but he was glad, his friend was still here. That what had happened tonight hadn’t broken this, because he felt it very well could have. But as pleased as he was just leaning there, he also felt the goosebumps starting to take over Tai’s skin. Reluctantly he got up. “I’ll get you a shirt”, Matt announced.  
“I can just wear my own stuff…” Tai tried to stop him, but Matt just ordered him to “stay put”.  
When the blond got back, he threw his friend a black shirt and a pair of baggy sweatpants. Tai caught them with a laugh. “I see you’re going for couch sexy today.” Matt’s eyes sparked dangerously. “We can play dress up later.” Matt took his place next to Tai again and finally took his coffee. He didn’t even try to hide how he watched his friend dress.

  
They ended up spending the morning playing videogames on the couch. They had done it before and it always made things feel normal. Almost like it had been before Matt had changed…  
Lunch left Matt’s fridge dangerously empty so they decided to go shopping to refill for the weekend. There was a 7/11 around the corner. The blond would usually shop at a supermarket further down the street because it was cheaper, but he didn’t want to waste their time today, and he had the extra money anyway.  
Tai still wore Matt’s clothes. They would have been just slightly too small, but Matt preferred baggy shirts, so it usually worked out. Their way back was relaxed. Matt insisted on carrying the bags and Tai didn’t fight him, his ribs were sore from the walking alone, not to mention how his ass felt. It was nice seeing the older just being happy for a while. They didn’t necessarily act like a couple would, or at least that’s what Tai thought. There was no holding hands or sneaking kisses in the elevator, but they weren’t a real couple.

Tai collapsed onto the couch, while Matt packed the fridge. They mostly got frozen stuff, but there were a few fresh ingredients Matt had picked out for dinner. Tai was drained; he blamed his injury taking a toll on his energy. But the emotional strain of the night probably did its part, as he drifted into a light sleep.  
  
Matt let him, starting to cut up some things for dinner silently, just enjoying his time. He felt good. He wasn’t worrying about work tomorrow, or the preparation for the concert next week. It was rare enough. He couldn’t quite remember when he had felt this carefree last.  
That was when the bell rang.  
Matt dried his hand of and went to see who it was. Looking through the spyhole, he just turned away clenching his teeth. “I know you’re home, Matt”, TK’s voice called from behind the door, followed by an insistent knocking. He was going to wake Tai. Matt opened the door and met his little brother with a cold gaze. “I just want to talk”, TK explained pushing past Matt. The Older had to resist the temptation to just slam the door as his brother entered like he owned the place. He closed the door silently and turned. TK was already inside the living room, staring at the couch his face not hiding his surprise. He turned back to face Matt. “So you’re dragging him in down with you now?”, the younger sibling asked.  
Matt didn’t answer. Pointing to the dinner table he instructed: “Sit before I throw you out.” “Does Kari know?” Takeru asked taking a chair. Matt shrugged. He didn’t know actually; Didn’t care too much either. He sat down across from his brother.  
“Just get talking”, Matt demanded in a calm but nonetheless hostile tone. TK was still smiling dryly. “You got the script yesterday. It was registered mail… I figured you’d like to talk.” Smartass, Matt thought.  
“Didn’t read it”, Matt answered defensively. His glare was challenging TK to start a fight. He really wanted to. He wouldn’t think twice about waking Tai if it meant getting an excuse to punch his brother in the face.  
“I figured you wouldn’t. You’re still angry about it. I just want you to know, the only people I gave it to are the Yagamis and Ken for now.”  
Matt’s eyes narrowed. He didn’t quite get TK’s choice of a test audience. But he really was annoyed by how well TK predicted his reaction despite not really having been in contact for nearly three years now.  
“I wanted to make sure you were ok with it. It’s a first draft, nothing more.” TK kept talking as Matt stayed silent. The older turned his gaze as Tai groaned turning in his sleep.  
“Fine”, Matt acknowledged, leaning back in his chair.

 

Tai decided to “stay asleep” a little longer when he recognized the unexpected voice. He turned sleepily to hide his face from the brothers and kept listening.  
“I’m sorry about it, you know. I shouldn’t have told mom.”  
“You said as much before”  
Tai couldn’t see them, but he never figured out what had happened, he wouldn’t pass on this opportunity to actually get an answer, because he knew getting one from Matt would probably be a pain in the ass.  
“I really thought it was a good idea at the time. I still think you need help; Matt, but she couldn’t handle it… I get that now.”  
“She acted like I was mental.”  
“She was worried.”  
“Way of showing that.”  
TK sounded hurt. Maybe Tai should talk to him some time; he actually was a little disappointed by himself for not thinking about that sooner. Then again… Matt would probably not take it well.  
“Anything else?” Matt tried to cut TK short.  
“Yeah… How are you doing? I miss talking to you. Davis is shit at giving advice.”  
“Ask Joe or something…”  
TK sighed. It was actually reassuring to see that even his brother had a hard time getting Matt to talk. Was it time to wake up yet? Probably. Moaning he raised, sitting up on the couch.  


Matt had hoped to get TK out before Tai woke. He cursed inside for letting him in, when that plan went out the window.  
“Hey Tai”, TK said turning, a friendly smile on his face. The questions in his eyes were plain to see though. “Sorry for disturbing you guys” he added.  
“Hi…”, Tai said rolling his shoulders before he got up. He was stiff. “I didn’t mean to sleep anyway”, he explained moving to the table to sit with them. Matt looked very unhappy about the situation. “How are you anyway? I read the script yesterday… not bad”, Tai tried to make conversation. TK took the lifeline thrown at him, making eye contact for just a moment.  
“It’s just a first draft…”, TK waved it off, “tell me if anything seems of.” Tai smiled back at him and they both understood that they’d just found themselves an ally.  
“The ending bugs me to be honest…”, he said, earning him a cold stare from Matt. It did really bother him though. “Why the hell did you even make one up…”  
“It seemed fitting”, TK answered shrugging, “I’m not dead set on it; I just think it might add to the moral of the story kind of thing.”  
Matt huffed. Staring at both of them, like they were plotting against him, which wasn’t all wrong.  
“And seriously… Miyako and Ken… You really consider that to become a thing?” Tai raised a brow. TK laughed.  
“I call it friend-service.” He explained. They talked some more, Matt staying silent, even as the topic shifted to lighter things.  
After about an hour TK got up by himself. “Well, thanks for having me, I’m afraid I should get going.”  
“Good to talk again”, Tai said.  
Matt’s look was just short of frying TK for still being there. TK looked at Tai a little apologetic, because he figured he’d be the one to deal with that mood now. “See you around”, the younger sibling gave his goodbye and showed himself to the door, as Matt didn’t budge.  


Once TK was out, the deadly gaze focused on Tai again.  
“You know, I really want to punch you right now”, Matt growled, which was a surprise; usually he’d just do it. Tai turned down his smile a notch.  
“Yeah… I don’t know how much of that I could take right now.” He admitted.  
“You’re an idiot”, Matt stated getting up to get the sake they had started in the morning. He brought two glasses back to the table and filled them both without asking.  
“What even happened between the two of you?” Tai dared to ask, feeling like he might actually get an answer out of his friend for the first time in years. But as most times, Matt stayed silent for a moment, sipping at his drink before actually talking.  
“He told mom about the drinking. You know… when it used to be worse… He found me pretty beat up a few times and thought I was picking fights”, Matt hesitated, emptied his glass and kept talking anyway. “She called me begging to move in with them. Then she threatened to get me hospitalized. She didn’t even care about the things I did right, despite everything going to shit.”  


Tai knew the main events… Matt’s dad had died five years ago, two month after their graduation. The band had been struggling at the time; two members splitting, because they were going to go abroad. Things had still been normal between them then. Matt and Sora had gotten engaged a few months prior after their relationship had lasted a few years. But as Matt summarized... everything went to shit.  
Matt struggled to deal with the loss and pushed those away that tried to help him. Tai had been the one to calm Sora when Matt broke up with her. She had confronted him for his drinking and the partying, as it didn’t seem to end after a month or two. Tai didn’t believe he cheated on her back then, but he might as well have. Tai had been fucking angry at him. After taking care of Sora, Tai had confronted Matt. They ended up fighting, getting both beat up pretty hard. They didn’t talk for almost a year after that. In the end it was Sora asking Tai to take care of Matt, before she went to the US to continue studying fashion there. Tai was pretty sure this outcome was not what their mutual friend had had in mind… but that’s how things ended up this way.

“Fuck”, he cursed, finally getting part of what he had missed back then. “I second that”, Matt said refilling his glass. So really, Matt was angry at his mother, TK just got himself in the line of fire. Tai knew how that felt.  
“What now?” Tai asked, Matt didn’t answer but the look he threw at the brunette spoke volumes about what he’d prefer to be doing now. Tai smiled at the predictability leaning across the table to catch Matt’s hand in his. He kissed his knuckles, feeling the other’s eyes on him.  
“Let’s get dinner first”, he said as he let go again.  
“Tease”, Matt muttered, standing up anyway.  
Tai was all too pleased with himself, for getting Matt to actually talk about something for once.


	4. Taking care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've passed the point up until which I had the story written in german before... Not that it really resembles it anymore. But it means I'm free writing in english now, which I really haven't done much... especially not smut.  
> Tell me if anything seems off. I struggle with distinguishing between the two, because there's just more ways of doing so in german... or at least it seems like that to me... Advice is highly appreciated. 
> 
> Also...  
> I hope this is vaguely in canon, I haven't seen the last two tri movies yet, but I feel like I should be fine. (Aside form disregarding the 02 epilogue as TK attempt at a conclusion of course.)

Tai wasn’t a lot of help when it came to cooking. In fact Matt strictly forbade him to do anything besides preparations. And he had finished most of those already. Tai was left to sit and watch as Matt finished their food. He wouldn’t complain though. It was almost like in old days. Matt’s cooking was the best meal he got on a regular basis.  
He smiled about the thought. It was a regular basis by, wasn’t it? He visited at least every other weekend, he didn’t always stay though.

“I’m still angry, you know”, Matt announced while serving dinner. Tai couldn’t help but smile. It had been a long time since things between them had been this relaxed. “We can take care of that later”, Tai answered suggestively. Their game was about getting Matt to calm down most of the time. In and off itself that didn’t bother Tai, in fact he enjoyed it; the hurting just had to stop at whatever one could still consider sane.  
Dinner went on at an easy pace. “When do you need to get going tomorrow?” Tai asked taking a try at starting a conversation. They usually didn’t talk much. Smalltalk not really working for them… Then again up until yesterday, Tai had let Matt push him, till they fucked to exhaustion most of the time. Not quite aware of how bad it had gotten… Or in denial about it.  
“5 p.m.”, Matt answered.  
“Should I stay”, Tai threw the idea out there. He had usually left. Because this was Matt’s flat and he didn’t feel comfortable staying here without him. “I could go have Joe check on my ribs.”  
Matt’s eyes widened for a moment. “Does he know?” he asked.  
Tai hurried to shake his head. “He knows we fight, which isn’t really a new thing.”  
Matt actually looked relieved. Tai didn’t let the topic drop though: “TK didn’t know either.”  
“You think he does now…” Matt tried to deny the truth, despite knowing how unlikely it was for TK not to get it. Tai just shrugged, figuring Matt was the last person he needed to explain to what having someone sleeping on your couch wearing your clothes looked like. That got him an idea. “I mean, you can still call him claiming it was ‘not what it looked like’.” He teased. Matt scoffed his eyes darkening just a little, as he lowered his gaze, starring at his food.  
“I didn’t tell anyone either”, Tai continued regardless. “Sora might know, but that’s just what she does.” Tai was surprised to actually see sadness in Matt’s eyes, as he looked up at him again.  
“How is she?” Matt asked. He had never done that before. He sounded hurt. Tai knew his friend was sorry for how he had treated her back then, but maybe he never got the extent of it. Tai probably shouldn’t tell him that Sora kind of pushed him to even talk to Matt again; not yet anyway.  But that wasn’t what he was asking, right?    
“She got on… She’s always worrying but you probably know that. She’s living with Mimi and Micheal right now giving tailoring classes, as far as I know.” Matt nodded thankfully. “You could probably talk to her whenever you’re ready. She’s not angry. In fact I think she let me be angry at you for both of us… you know…  back then…” Tai stopped himself there, because that already was too much said.  
The meal went on in silence. But Matt actually didn’t seem as angry as Tai would thought he’d get.

Matt insisted on doing the dishes on his own, sending Tai to take another break. The real reason behind it was that he needed some space to think. He gladly would have Tai fuck those thoughts away again when they got to that, but for now, he was in the mood to regret his bad life choices. Only he didn’t regret breaking up with Sora. The Engagement had been a mistake. He had had his doubts from the moment Sora mentioned it and he went through with it anyway. Because he had always been the kind of person to run from his feelings until they hit him in the face. It turned out Tai was especially good at delivering those punches.  
He knew Sora would have understood. But he broke her heart anyway, making her worry in the process. She deserved better. He was glad Tai had been there for her. And he was glad he came back for him despite it. He didn’t want to imagine where he’d be without his friend.  
He wiped the tears from his eyes, but they just filled again without falling. He hated that feeling. He hated how he was really the only one to blame. He really hated being confronted by his own failures. He had managed to run away from the worst of them for the most part. He didn’t notice he had stopped moving until Tai stepped behind him taking the plate from his hands. “I think this one is clean”, the brunette said his voice calm and gentle. Matt’s hands started shaking.  
  
“Come on…”, Tai hushed pulling the other closer. He had underestimated how stressed out his friend really was. He realized Matt probably needed that break more than he did.  
“I’ll take care of it… go get some rest”, he proposed gently pushing Matt from the counter, but he got a hold of his hand. “Just leave it” Matt said, trying hard to stop his voice from shaking. Then he just pulled Tai with him towards the bedroom. 

Matt turned, dropping onto the bed back first, pulling Tai onto him in the process. Tai caught himself setting his hands around Matt’s head and looking down into the hardened expression. His ribs felt the impact but it wasn’t too bad. Matt had spread his legs and Tai’s hips settled between them. Tai lifted one hand to brush through his friend’s hair. “Come on, Tai”, Matt pleaded annoyed. Tai smiled weakly. “That was not exactly our deal”, he reminded his friend leaning down to kiss him anyway. When he got back up, Matt’s eyes were filled with tears again; he closed them sending two lone teardrops rolling down to the sides. “Just make me forget it” He begged. Tai couldn’t say no… he couldn’t just turn him down like that.  
He lowered himself until their foreheads touched. “Just let me take care of you then… Let me show you I can do this without having to hurt you”, Tai urged in low tones. To his surprise, Matt didn’t even try to object. He just lay there defeated.  
Tai settled onto his elbows. His hand running through Matt’s hair, his mouth engaging in a deep kiss, he only broke to breathe again. He went on teasing his friend’s ear with his tongue trailing kisses down to his chin, onto his throat. He felt a tug on his shirt and took a small break to get it off of him. When he got down he occupied one of his hands with opening Mat’s button down shirt, while his mouth went back to caressing his neck, not shying away from using his teeth but never biting until the older arched his back in frustration.  
“Let’s get onto the bed”, Tai proposed. Matt finally looked at him again, his eyes begging to do more. They had never taken things slowly. Even in the beginning the older had been keen on rushing into sex. As time went on the sex got rougher, as he learned how to rile Tai up. Today he seemed out of words for once.

Tai followed Matt, as he pushed himself backwards, which didn’t make the maneuver easier but they managed anyway. Settled in place again Tai pressed his hips down, letting Matt feel what the pants still hid. The others breathe hitched and Tai laughed before resuming his work on his throat, then kissing further down. He spent a nice portion of time caressing Matt’s nipples. Kissing and not quite biting. He knew it was one of the more sensitive spots for the blond, Tai didn’t get it, but who was he to judge.  
“Tai, please” Matt’s voice was rough, his hips squirming under Tai. “Come on Matt”, Tai purred brushing a thumb over his lower lip, “Let’s have some fun.” “Get to it then”, Matt bit out, grinding upwards.  There he was… Tai had almost missed him. “Make me”, Tai challenged gently sucking at a bit of skin just above Matt’s pants. The second Tai lifted himself for a moment, Matt’s hands already were down there fidgeting with the button of his jeans. Tai let him, pulling down the sweatpants Matt had lend him and getting them off alongside the shorts he had put on for the shopping trip.

 Matt wasn’t even done with the zipper, as Tai got back to him, catching his hands and putting them to the sides of his head. He growled in frustration. Tai leaned down, his erection pressing against Matt’s stomach. “If you make me tie you down, I’ll take it even slower”, Tai whispered into his ear. “So be a good boy.” Matt tried to lean in to lick his ear as the brunette got back to lower territories. He actually finished Matt’s job on his pants moving out of the way to get them off, as well as the shorts. Then he put his hands to Matt’s knees slowly moving down.  
To his credit Matt didn’t move his arms, but once Tai’s hands met in the middle, one of them going on to slowly stroking his cock, while the other started drawing circles around his ass, he bugged his hips. “Just fuck me already!”  
Tai guessed it was supposed to sound angry but really all that got through was desperation. Tai just shushed him, looking around to find the lube. Matt hat thrown his head back into the still messy pillows, keeping his eyes shot, new lines of tears running down his face. It just made Tai more certain he was doing the right thing. He enjoyed the sight, but he wouldn’t let Matt get away without the lube today. No pain. That was the point of this.  
Was it smart to just take it away and hope that would change Matt’s ways? Probably not, but Tai would still be around tomorrow to try again… And again… He’d find a way.  
  
The second he left Matt to get the lube the other propped himself up, staring with weary eyes. “Shush, I’ll be right back”, the brunette reassured, picking up the bottle. Matt kept his gaze on him anyway. There were no more snarky remarks now.  
Matt watched in anticipation. His cock was actually hard already, yet he felt strangely hollow. He didn’t know if he liked it. But he knew he would not like Tai to stop now. “Just relax”, Tai ushered, getting back between his legs. Matt let himself drop back, closing his eyes again, because somehow that made taking this easier, even while it made the sensations more intense.  
He heard the bottle open and the squirting noise, when Tai took some of the lube. Matt didn’t flinch, when the cold lubricant touched his skin, he was too used to the sensation. He sighed, as Tai’s finger’s moved around circling and teasing.  
“If you’re good, you might get your rough round after this”, Tai told in a humming tone, his voice low. It made Matt’s nerves prickle. Still the fingers were barely brushing his skin. Matt couldn’t control the silent whimper escaping his lips. “But I’ll bet this will leave you sore enough as is.” “Please”, Matt managed to form. It was really the only coherent word still resonation in his mind. Tai laughed his first digit finally pushing inside. Matt tried to push himself lower to make it go faster… deeper, but Tai put his free hand at Matt’s hips, holding him in place.  
Matt tried to shift and squirm just to get more feeling out of what Tai gave him at this agonizing pace.  
He didn’t care about the noises the made, and Tai came to enjoy them. He didn’t wait as long for the second digit. And that was when Matt’s reactions really picked up.  
  
One hand wasn’t enough to hold Matt down anymore, so Tai decided to at least put it to good use, wrapping it around the other’s dick and going with the pace his fingers had set. He had to concentrate on breathing to even keep this up himself. He just wanted to be inside of Matt. But he’d drag this just a little more, he told himself, just a little longer.  
He actually managed to put a third finger in, coaxing a desperate scream from his friend, before he gave into his own desires. He had had partners before he had started doing this with Matt. He had tried sex with women, but it never got him as excited as it did with men. Going slow had definitely been his thing before this started though. It was kind of sad he never really got to try it with his pushy friend. Well Not until now.  
He drew his hand back, using the remaining slick to coat his own cock. Matt was almost sobbing at this point, but when Tai put his cock in position he audibly held his breath. Tai stopped. “Please, please, please”, Matt’s lips formed almost without making an actual sound. Tai pushed oh so slowly, leaning down, once his dick couldn’t get out of place anymore. “Tai”, his friend pleaded and Tai sighed sinking in until he couldn’t go further. He rested himself on top of Matt, putting his lips to his ears and his arms around his head again, hands burying in that golden hair.  
“You can use your hands now”, he freed Matt from his purely figurative bonds. All his own little sighs and moans whispered straight into the other’s ear, as he started to move. Matt’s hands didn’t quite do what Tai expected, instead he felt them clawing at is back desperately just a moment later. It drew a low growl from his throat and actually got him to speed up. He blamed it on the habits they had formed, but really it was the implications that got him. It was too late to take it back now, either way. It wasn’t Matt’s pain after all. This was fine. He could take it. He felt the nails dig into his skin as he started thrusting faster, slowly losing the steady pace, as the tension inside of him grew. He felt Matt come beneath him, his cock pressed between their stomachs pulsing. Matt’s insides echoed it clenching around the intruder.  
Tai lasted just a little longer, riding out the pulsing heat with shallow movements, his sweat making his hair stick to his skin now, single drop falling from his nose and chin. He didn’t pull out until he had made sure to get another kiss out of his exhausted friend. Matt’s eyes were still closed, but Tai didn’t really care. He felt his friend here with him; that was all he needed.  
“I love you”, the words he’d been holding back for so long just dripped from his lips. He got off of the smaller man, lying down next to him. He was delightfully exhausted.  
The shock of what he’d said slowly trickled in through his cloudy mind.  
He only half hoped Matt hadn’t actually heard it. 

Once he had come down from the height, Tai found himself restless, while Matt seemed to have fallen right into a deep and peaceful sleep. Tai admired the sight; the blond hair sprawled around his friend’s head, his face finally relaxed. Tai knew Matt was a light sleeper, so he didn’t dare to touch him. Staying in bed wouldn’t do for Tai though, so after savoring the rare situation for a moment he carefully got of the bed.  
Matt moaned and rolled to his side, but he didn’t wake.  
  
Tai snuck to the bathroom, showering off the mixture of cum and sweat that clung to his body. He regretted taking Matt’s lotion, when he got to taking care of his back. Matt had clawed at him before, but never this bad. Tai spend a second worrying if he pushed him too hard, but it was easy enough to dismiss. He couldn’t dismiss the temptation of another bath in the heated tub though, despite knowing the marks on his back would probably burn. He settled in the hot water for a second time today, once he was done cleaning himself.

Matt woke as soon as the space next to him had cooled. Fear struck him for a moment, before he heard water running from across the hall. He wasn’t sore… He was sticky and sweaty and the familiar afterglow of sex lingered in his body, but he felt hollow. It was like all energy had been drained from him, all emotion, leaving him just numb.  
Tai’s smell lingered in the room.  
Matt couldn’t quite get himself to move yet.  
He just kept listening to the running water, wondering if the other would come back to bed.  
Usually he was the one leaving him to lie here on his own, going back to the living room to finish a glass, or calm down. Waking up alone, he felt miserable.  
The tears were flowing before he realized they were back already. He didn’t understand why he was crying exactly. He felt like Tai had stolen something from him and he couldn’t point out what it was. He felt lost. He felt helpless. And he was frustrated about how he couldn’t grasp what that mess of feelings was supposed to mean. So he got angry.  
He knew anger, anger was easy.  
Anger gave him the strength to actually get up and trail over to the bathroom.  
It wasn’t rage. It wasn’t the kind of wrath that made him want to punch people. It was a low burning heat. Deep inside he knew it was only directed at himself. He never wanted to take it out on others and he mostly didn’t. Tai seemed to disagree though… even if Matt didn’t get the explanation Tai was trying to give.  
Matt was only dealing with it the only way he really knew. It was his own body, his own pain. He wasn’t trying to kill himself. He wasn’t even neglecting himself. With everyone but Tai, he made sure to use protection; There were assholes who didn’t care once they got him tied up, but that’s why he got himself checked regularly and so far he hadn’t caught himself anything serious. He truly meant it, when he said he was fine. He still believed he was.  
The only difference between now, and before seemed to be, that he couldn’t stop crying.

Tai jumped a little when Matt opened the door, relaxing again quickly. Matt had taken off the stained shirt and went on to take a shower, the cold water steaming up the otherwise warm room until it got hard to breath. “How are you feeling”, Tai asked, as Matt kept his silence. Matt turned to look at him. His eyes were still red and Tai didn’t know the look they gave him. “What about that second round?” Matt just asked not actually answering.  
Tai sighed. “I probably need another moment”, he said. He let himself sink a little deeper into the water.  
“Sure.” Matt went back to cleaning himself, the goosebumps visible as he showered in the cold water. “You should try cold showers, they’re good for stamina.”  
Tai raised a brow at his friend. “You should try your swaggering on people who didn’t have you begging moments ago.” He countered. The gaze Matt shot him looked a lot more like his usual self. He turned away before he spoke. “You should have heard yourself”, Matt said. Tai just laughed then.  
He took another moment, before he reluctantly got out of the tub. He put the lids back and sat down on top, waiting for Matt to finish. It didn’t take too long. Matt sat down next to him and the cold radiating from him made Tai shiver.  
Much to his demise Matt noticed and didn’t hesitate to put a “loving” arm around his friend. Tai flinched. An idea began to grow in Matt’s head. His hand went on to brush up the younger’s back, massaging his neck for a while. Matt couldn’t hide the grin on his face, even if he would have wanted to. Tai shivered under his touch, his warm and softened skin forming goosebumps under Matt’s fingers.

  
Tai looked at him a little desperate already. “Matt, I really don’t know if I’m up for another”, Tai said, sounding actually disappointed. Matt’s eyes only sparked at the challenge. He knew there were limits. He also knew there were ways you could push just slightly beyond them… “Just let me handle it”, he proposed,” lie back and enjoy.”  
Tai eyed him suspiciously. “You sound like you have a plan… and I don’t like that smile of yours. It’s fucking scary.”  
“I hope so”, Matt said. He leaned in the hand from Tai’s neck moving forward to his ear. “Just give me your rules and let me take care of you. You can always tell me to stop if it gets too much.” He meant it, but it still sounded more like a challenge than the weak attempt of introducing something of a hard stop that it was meant to be. Yeah, Matt sucked at save words, actually, he sucked at the very concept of “save, sane, consensual”, but since it had worked out for him so far, he was fine going by his own set of rules. At least that’s what he told himself.  
“How the hell are you still so eager…”, Tai muttered.  
Matt got even closer, bringing his mouth too Tai’s ear and playfully gracing the lope with his teeth before gently taking it between them. He teased for a moment, before falling back again. “Bites me”, he shrugged grinning about his own joke.  
Tai threw a friendly punch at Matt’s chest. “Insufferable bastard.”  Tai sighed, shaking his head. He was smiling though.  “Fine… just…” Tai finally said, his face turning red, “I’m still sore. Be gentle.”  
  
Matt didn’t drop his smile, but Tai’s words actually stung a little, reminding him about last night’s disaster. He nodded though, rewording his earlier offer in a more serious tone: “Tell me to stop.” He finally got an idea why some people insisted on giving their bottom that rip cord to pull. He really didn’t want to hurt Tai, but last night was a vivid example how one could get carried away…  
“I trust you, Matt”, Tai said and given his new realization it almost sounded careless to Matt. He focused Tai, his eyes intense. “You tell me to stop if things go too far for you!” His tone made clear that that was not negotiable and that Matt would probably be furious if Tai didn’t listen.  
Tai was actually surprised by the change in Matt’s demeanor. He felt like he had actually started to push the older a little bit closer to understanding what he had done this whole thing for.  
“OK.” Tai answered somewhat out of words.  
Matt visibly relaxed and tried to turn things back to a lighter mood again. “So… your rules?” He asked, flashing Tai a playful smile.  
“Don’t hurt yourself.”  
Matt’s smile grew a little. “That’s all?” The look he gave Tai almost seemed predatory.  
“Don’t make me hurt you”, Tai added, just to be sure. Matt rolled his eyes, before he stood.  
“Yesterday’s list was longer”, Matt commented not turning.  
“Don’t make me regret it? ...” Tai answered uneasily but not adding anything, despite doubting the choice to do so already.  
Matt flashed him a short smile, before he opened the door. “I’ll be back in a moment.”


	5. Limits

The bathroom was actually pretty soundproof. That was the first thing Tai noticed once Matt left him alone again. He couldn’t really hear anything from outside, only Matt’s steps when he passed right in front of the door. At least the temperature was bearable in here. Sitting on the warm bathtub was weirdly comfortable, but it didn’t make time go faster.  
Anticipation made Tai a little restless but there wasn’t really anything in here to do, beside tapping his feet and trying not to spent too much time regretting this, as his head tried to picture what plan Matt might have come up with, that made him grin like that.  
It was usually hard enough to get the guy to even smile…  
Tai was certain he would go mad in here, if he was left to wonder for too long.

Meanwhile, Matt hurried to make his plan reality before Tai changed his mind. He went to the bedroom putting on a shirt and shorts, then to his kitchen, collecting a few items from the closet and switching on the kettle to get some water boiling. It took a moment. He prepared two bowls, filling one with ice cubes and setting a little glass bottle in the other one. He added the boiling water and brought both bowls to the table near the couch.  
He also pulled the table back a fair bit, so it would be easier to navigate the scene. He waited a few more moments, testing the small bottle for its temperature until he found it warm enough to go on. He went to the bedroom one last time, getting the bottle of lube they had left there and a red silk cloth. He had a black one too, but from his own experience he found red to be a little more… engaging.  
He contemplated getting some ropes too, but decided against it after what happened last time.  
Everything in place he only kept the cloth, when finally returning to the bathroom. He had never had the chance to do anything even remotely prepared when it came to sex. He and Tai never really talked about what they were doing before, they just had had that silent agreement about what would happen when Matt called and then they just went with were their banter took them. Matt wasn’t sure, but from how Tai acted, it seemed, he might actually never have informed himself about how these things usually worked. Matt had. After one of his one night stands had gotten a little out of hand, he had started to look some things up. And he got into it pretty quickly and with disregard to most advice he found online. He didn’t regret it though.  
Ignoring preformed mindsets, he found out quite a few things about himself, he might actually never have otherwise. There was that strange and somewhat stale image of the bottom being the submissive one… Matt never really found that in himself. He liked being in control of the situation somewhat. That was what riling up Tai was for him… he was a little surprised he actually came to enjoy this more traditional way of controlling the situation too. He wouldn’t swap it for getting someone inside of him though… He liked the sensation too much… but those things weren’t mutually exclusive, he remembered. The realization made him smile.  
The cloth in hand, he stepped inside to find out if his self-control would last through his plan.  
  
Tai tensed as he heard the steps closing in again, everytime. He didn’t quite know if he wanted them to go past the door a fourth time or finally end his waiting. And he had no time to come to a conclusion, as Matt entered. Tai was a little disappointed to see his friend dressed again. “You aren’t gonna tell me what you planned out there, are you?” Tai sighed, looking at Matt’s smile.  
“Where would be the fun in that”, his friend just answered presenting something to Tai, that he couldn’t really make sense of for a few moments. The realization only came when Matt began folding the red fabric. He gulped down a lump forming in his throat. “I… Matt?”  
The blond looked up from his work, taking in Tai’s nervous expression. “Just relax… didn’t you say you trust me?” Matt asked, but didn’t proceed before Tai nodded slightly. The brunette took a deep breath, letting himself be blindfolded. It made him nervous, he didn’t like losing control like that. At least the fabric was nice; soft and comfortable enough. “You can take them off yourself, if it gets too much”, Matt said before leaning in to kiss Tai’s lips softly. It left a tingling sensation on his skin. “Ok”, Tai muttered still unsure of the whole situation.  
Matt lent him a hand to get up, wordlessly guiding him towards the living room and onto the couch. Tai realized Matt must have moved the table.  
His skin prickled from the cool air outside the bathroom, especially where Matt had touched him on their way here. At least his mind was occupied with the sensations instead of speculations for the moment.  
Even as he lay down, Matt’s finger never left him completely, trailing along some of his muscles along his arms, then down his chest. Tai tensed instinctively causing Matt to laugh. “Showoff”, Matt commented, trailing further down. Tai was still flaccid and Matt purposefully avoided that area for now. “How are you feeling?” Matt asked, because it just seemed to be a good idea to get Tai talking, as he pulled back his hands for a moment.  
“Strange… not bad”, Tai answered, an adorable hint of red on his face.  
“That’s good. Now… I’m not going to use any toys on you, no ropes, just relax”, Matt explained, because he figured that was probably something Tai would be very nervous about. Tai just nodded a little relived. Matt also used the moment of talking to pick up the bottle from the warm bowl. He poured some of its contents onto his left hand and put the bottle back.

“What is that?” Tai asked, as a strangely familiar smell filled the air. Matt answered with a touch to his hips. Something warm and slick started drawing a line across his stomach circling his navel before moving higher. It left a warm trail, definitely too slick to be water, but not sticky or slimy enough to be lube, also… that smell. Tai couldn’t name it, but he knew it. The touch had reached Tai’s neck, before he could make sense of it. It were Matt’s fingers touching him of course and he must be using some kind of oil. “It’s lavender”, Matt finally explained, as his hand left Tai’s body again. He used a few more drops continuing the gentle treatment until Tai finally seemed to start to relax.  
“I really like it. My grandfather send it from a fancy place in France a few years ago. I don’t even know what he thought I could need it for”, Matt babbled just to hide the noises he might make with his hands. He put the oily hand onto the warm bowl, to get some more contrast, while he took an ice cube with the other. Tai seemed too busy to even grow suspicious of the sudden talkativeness. Matt’s grin widened. His warm hand started at Tai’s knee, slowly trailing down, much like Tai had done to him earlier. He started massaging Tai’s balls, the shaft above them just starting to grow… they would get there soon enough. Tai sighed deliciously. Matt himself was already half hard, but he didn’t mind too much. The ice started dripping onto the floor, so the blond decided that it was time to put it to use, before it just melted away.  
Smiling deviously he put the cube on one of Tai’s nipples. The response was immediate. Tai jumped a little, cursing. “Fucking hell… Matt!” But Matt didn’t stop, moving the little cube around Tai’s chest soon causing a shiver to run through his body. He leaned down to keep Tai’s lips busy in a kiss, when he saw the brunette starting to bite down on the bottom one.  
“It looks like you like it though”, Matt whispered moving the cube downwards, it didn’t last though, and Matt got up again, leaving only his warmer hand, caressing Tai’s balls, moving on to the half hard dick as Matt reached for a second cube. He missed the bowl twice and much to his demise, when he finally got hold of another elusive piece of ice, he pulled the bowl of the table while retrieving it. He bit back a course, as the plastic went down with a dull sound, but he left the mess. It was just water after all. When he turned back to Tai, the brunette was smiling.  
“I guess you’re lucky”, Matt just said distractingly unaffected. Then he put the one cube he had left onto those smiling lips. Tai pressed his mouth close growling in protest. Matt leaned down to take the cube in his own mouth, holding it between his teeth. “What the… ah…” Tai was about to protest, as Matt moved on with the cube following Tai’s jawline to his ear, not lingering anywhere. Then back down to his neck. Matt would have loved to comment on Tai’s sudden silence, but his mouth was busy trailing his friend’s body with the melting ice. He switched back to his hand, when his teeth started hurting from the cold. Barely touching Tai’s skin, he used the last of the ice, to treat the bruised ribs. Matt’s own lips were still freezing though… which left him with a choice. He would have loved to see Tai’s reaction to him just taking his cock in his mouth like that… but he wasn’t sure how bad the cold would actually be down there, so he opted for the kiss instead, not parting until both their lips were warm again. “Since when are you into this…”, Tai sighed breathlessly, as their mouths parted.  
Matt was left to wonder what exactly Tai meant with this very unspecific statement.  
  
There was a second little trick Matt wanted to show his friend tonight. One he was pretty sure Tai didn’t really know about, because if he did their first round could have gone a lot further than it did. Actually, most of their sex up until now would have been different probably, but Matt wouldn’t complain. Having Tai being somewhat clueless had been a very enabling factor for what he preferred usually. This wasn’t half bad though, Matt found himself enjoying the situation anyway.  
His hand was still idly caressing Tai’s lower region, as he fell back a little. “How are you feeling?” He asked, just to make sure Tai was still there.  
“Good, I mean…uh”, Tai muttered an answer, obviously busy keeping his mind together. “I would hope so”, Matt answered chuckling. He let his hand rest for a moment. “Time to move on then”, he announced. Tai’s hips followed the fleeting touch, as Matt’s hand left his cock.  
  
One of Tai’s hands lifted, as if to search for the missing sensation. “You can touch yourself, if you want”, Matt offered, as he rose to get out of his clothes. To his surprise Tai actually started stroking himself at a lazy pace. The sight turned Matt on… more than he would have liked to admit. He turned to grab the lube and got both his hands slick, before turning back to Tai. His friend drew his hand back, once he felt Matt’s returning.  
 Coating Tai’s dick with one palm, Matt’s other hand started to work on his own ass. He was still pretty stretched so that wouldn’t be a problem, but Tai would probably still stop him, if he felt it wasn’t enough. Matt didn’t let it keep him too long though; he knew how to get himself prepared.  
Taking position above Tai was more awkward than he would have expected. “Matt what are you…”, Tai started asking, but Matt already moved on, lining Tai up and slowly sinking down.  
“Now, calm down… I follow your rules…” Matt answered in between taking breaths. He always found the angle riding someone provided to be a lot more pleasurable, but naturally the pleasure didn’t last quite as long, as it could otherwise. He didn’t do it often. He was sure he had done it with Tai before though. “I’ll move” He warned his friend and did as he said, slowly shifting up and down, circling his hips slightly and soon enough breathing heavily, as he got Tai’s cock stroke past the place he wanted it most. He actually moaned, as Tai’s hands found his cock and started helping him to his pleasure.  
“Fuck, Tai”, Matt sighed, as the other encouraged him to go faster, by bugging his hips.  
“I’d love to, but this actually hurts”, Tai said just lightly thrusting upwards to leave no room for misunderstandings.  Tai’s own voice seemed pressed, his breath audibly joining the noises Matt filled the room with.  
“Don’t do it then. I can handle this”, Matt said rolling his hips, starting to move faster. Tai’s hand on Matt adapted, stroking just slightly off sync with Matt’s bouncing. Matt’s plan had been a different one, but he ended up coming far sooner, than he had hoped. Tai pumped his pulsing cock, feeling the splatter of warm sperm on his stomach. Matt cursed unintelligibly and lifted himself off of Tai. What had been the plan again… He had to get his head straight again, just concentrating on his breathing for a moment.

  
“Fuck”, he sighed, sorting himself out again. Tai looked a little confused but didn’t seem to dare talking. “You got me there”, Matt gave a very unhelpful explanation, before picking up the lube again, and climbing to sit between Tai’s legs. The Younger spread without the need of being asked to. “Now, no touching yourself, for messing with my plans”, Matt ordered.  
“Wait? I’m getting punished for… what?” Tai asked, sounding all too pleased with himself. Matt pinched him in the thigh, just slightly, only to remind him, what Matt actually considered punishment.  
“Behave” He said kissing the same spot softly. Then he went to pour some lube on Tai’s ass, straight from the bottle, because he deserved it.  
  
Much like yesterday Matt took his time massaging around Tai’s hole until the ring of muscles relaxed. “How are you still so tense” Matt sighed, getting a little impatient himself, not that he’d have another round in him… he still was looking forward to watching Tai, as he would come undone to his fingers. Or, as he decided, as his patience slowly drifted… finger.  
His index finger, to be precise. “I’ll try now”, Matt muttered just to let Tai know and slowly started to push his finger in. He moved back and forth, teasing but also easing in a little further each time. Tai was holding his breath. When Matt finally had the digit fully buried inside, he slowly curled it backwards. Little noises of pleasure escaped Tai, but nothing quite enough to satisfy Matt. So he varied the movements, feeling and testing, until he found the spot that made Tai’s hips bug involuntarily.  
“There it is”, Matt grinned, and began his assault on the bundle of nerves that was Tai’s prostate. He made sure to keep a close eye on the other, not only because he salvaged the sight of his friend losing all restrain, but also because he wanted to make sure he was not going too far.  
“Matt… Ah…”, Tai was almost screaming.  
Matt saw his friend’s hand sneaking towards his throbbing cock and gently swatted it away. He didn’t comment on it though, keeping his focus on his own finger. He ended up adding a second despite his plans. Scissoring and pumping inside of Tai, always coming back to focus on the prostate, until the other came hands off onto his own stomach, their cum mixing into a sticky puddle. Tai lay there, like misplaced doll, unable and unwilling to move for all the best reasons.  
Matt got up sitting next to Tai’s head and slowly pulling off the blindfold.  
“Now… gently enough?” He asked shit eating grin on his face, as he revealed the teary brown eyes.  
Tai just grabbed his hair hard and pulled him down into a kiss, unable to form words again yet.  
Matt let him, finding himself closing his eyes to enjoy the affectionate passion of it.  
  
Only after the kiss Matt’s smile slowly started to fade, a dreadful feeling of emptiness getting back to him. Tai still lay there sighing blissfully. Matt had to force himself not to stare too blankly… and to actually get up. He made a fast way to the bathroom, grabbing one of the towels and returning, to clean the puddle off of his friend, before it could stain the couch. “Thanks”, Tai muttered, his voice hoarse.  
Matt had somehow managed to at least put a somewhat believable smile back on his face, not feeling it at all. “Don’t get used to it”, he tried to joke, but it came out dry and therefore almost angry. Tai’s looked at him confused.  
Matt didn’t have an explanation though.  
He wasn’t angry. Moments ago he had been as happy as he might actually have never been in his life or at least not in the last years. Tai didn’t ask the question written on his face, but Matt did. What’s wrong?... What’s wrong with me?  
One second his heart had felt like flying and the next it was free falling into a bottomless pit. As if there was a limit on happiness it could take. Matt felt like crying, but there was no real sadness in him either. This actually felt worse. As Matt put the towel down on the table, Tai sat up and pulled him into an embrace.  He still felt empty. Empty and alone.  
But he let the other hug him anyway.  
This was exactly the feeling he was running from.  
The feeling that hurt so bad, only physical pain really helped to forget it.

“I need a drink”, Matt said, when the closeness of Tai’s arms got too much for him. Tai looked worried, but just let him go. “I’ll take a beer if you have one”, he said, trying not to overthink this. The sudden change in Matt’s mood was too obvious to miss. But Tai couldn’t think of anything off. Had he done something wrong?  
Matt crossed the room, pulled two bottles from the fridge and opened both. One was Tai’s beer, the other was taller, the cover reading “Bourbon” in big red letters. Matt poured himself a whole glass, one that was usually meant for soft drinks. He left the bottle on the counter, getting the drinks back to the couch. “You should let Joe check your ribs tomorrow”, Matt said handing the younger his share of alcohol before sitting down. Tai just nodded a little dumbfounded. “Sure.”  
Matt went to nip on his glass, savoring the first few tastes, before taking bitter gulps.  
Tai drank a sip from his beer, a cold shiver running down his spine. Yeah… this wouldn’t work. The nakedness itself didn’t bother Tai, even casually like this, but the temperature did. “Yeah”, he concluded his thought out loud, “Sorry. I’ll need to find some clothes.” Matt just shrugged.  
“Take whatever”, he said fully aware that there were quite a few things in his closet, that probably wouldn’t fit Tai.  
  
When Tai returned, wearing his own shirt from the day before and another of Matt’s sweatpants, Matt’s glass was empty. The blond had dropped to the side, eyes closed and muttering unintelligible. Tai hesitated for a moment, taking in the sleeping form. Matt looked tense. The brunette decided it was probably best to get his friend back to bed at least, even if it meant waking him. Crouching beside him (because leaning was painful), Tai pressed a soft kiss between Matt’s furrowed brows.  
He slowly let his finger comb through the messy hair and talked in a low voice. “Let’s go to bed, Matt.” The other blinked at him for a moment, before getting up almost mechanically. Tai followed, lending Matt a hand, as he somehow made his way to the bedroom still half asleep. He just dropped onto the mattress and didn’t care to move another inch.  
Tai lay down next to him, still in his clothes and tucked them both in, leaving his arm hugging Matt’s smaller form in front of him. He listened to Matt’s breathing and the little noises he made in his dreams, while he waited for sleep to get to him too.  
It took quite a while.  
But in the end it got him, his nose buried in the blond hair, not even disturbed by the restless movements, Matt made sleeping in his arms.


	6. Siblings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Plot chapters incomming... please don't run away... I swear the smut will be back soon enough.  
> Thanks for the kudos everyone =) I'm glad people seem to like this.

Matt awoke in the middle of the night, bathed in cold sweat his heart beating as if it wanted to jump from his chest. He tried to move, but there was something holding him in place. Panic started to rise, before he realized it was Tai. Just Tai.  
Tai lay behind him, arms wrapped around, spooning his smaller form with his. The position made the older aware of just how far Tai had passed him not only in height, but also in his overall build. Tai was playing for a semi-professional football team by now and it showed. Where Matt was nothing more than a lean, pale rake, Tai actually had muscle. Had Tai carried him here? Matt didn’t remember going to bed, but it was hard to imagine Tai managing that, at least not with his bruised ribs.  
Matt’s heartrate slowed down, as he let himself enjoy being held. He didn’t even remember the dream that finally woke him… but Tai’s embrace did a good job holding him together, when usually he would probably have had another panic attack. They usually came at night.  
Tai shifted behind him, pulling him even closer and Matt allowed himself to close his eyes again.  
He was just glad he was not alone right now. Fuck the implications. Fuck the madness of this last two days. Fuck whatever made Tai so insistent on keeping him from the pain he wanted so badly. He just forbade himself to think about the meaning behind any of it and let himself be cuddled to sleep again.

 There were no more nightmares.

Matt was still the one to wake up first in the morning. Tai had dragged the blanket away from him now lying on his back, arms sprawled across the bed. Matt actually was a little disappointed but at least the situation allowed him to actually get up without fighting Tai’s grip.  
Matt stretched a little, once he was off the bed, his eyes lingering on the mess across the room. With a sigh he started putting everything back to its place as silent as possible. He started with the toys and then collected the clothes and brought them to the washing machine. Also adding his regular laundry, he started the thing and left it to do its work. He went back to get some fresh shorts and a shirt to wear.  
He’d probably have to wash the sheets too, once Tai was up. The living room was next. They had left the dishes and Matt’s temperature play setup from the day before… After some cleaning and a lot more getting things back to their places, Matt’s home finally looked decent again.  
Matt got himself some coffee brewing and took a look into the fridge to see what he’d make for breakfast.  He felt like something sweet.  
There were still a bunch of eggs and he always had stuff like milk and sugar on hand. There was also the package of toast they had bought yesterday, so everything fell into place for making French toast. Matt was actually glad to have something simple on hand. He didn’t feel like preparing a lot of stuff and this really just needed very little effort.  
  
He was frying the second bread, the first one still cooling on a plate to the side, when he heard steps from the bedroom. He frowned a little. He didn’t feel like seeing Tai again yet, he was still trying hard not to think about things and he had done great keeping himself busy with all the mundane stuff up until now. He felt like just seeing Tai’s face would change that, and he was collecting his resolve to deal with it. When Tai turned the corner, Matt focused on frying not looking up, when the younger muttered sleepily: “Morning.” “Good morning”, Matt said mechanically, trying to ignore the turmoil in his heart.  
They had had mornings like this before. Why did the thought of sharing breakfast in silence suddenly make him so sad? Why did the simple greeting feel like it wasn’t enough… Matt was stunned by the urge to go and kiss his friend. This friend, who had made clear that he didn’t want to make this exclusive and yet was still here like he just belonged. What was this to Tai? Matt started wondering; slowly figuring out what bothered him so much. What were they? What was Tai for him? What the fuck was he doing? Was this Sora all over again?  
His head started to spin a little, but he kept his focus on the cooking. He filled a plate piling up the French toast. And he felt Tai’s eyes on him, making the silence uncomfortable, yet he lacked the words to change anything about it. Tai yawned and Matt wasn’t fast enough to stop himself from turning. Their eyes met. Tai was smiling obliviously happy and Matt could just wonder, what went on in his head.  
“It smells great”, Tai said, eyes lighting up a little, and causing Matt to turn away because he really didn’t know how to react, still caught in his own thoughts. He took a deep breath. “It’s French toast” He finally replied turning the last piece in the pan. Thinking was easier not looking at Tai.  
He finished in silence, getting a second plate and putting himself two of the six toasts on it. Joining Tai at the table he put the bigger plate in front of the brunette, because he knew Tai always ate more than anyone else… except maybe for Agu…  
Matt shook his head killing that thought. Fucking hell. He wasn’t himself this morning.

“This is good”, Tai said, mouth still full. Matt forced himself to smile idly, only starting to eat, when Tai had already devoured the first toast. And then the meal went down silent, feeling just as wrong as Matt had expected.  
“I might need to lend something to wear”, Tai broke the silence. Matt had cleaned the worst stains off of him yesterday, but his shirt still stuck to the remains on his stomach. “Take whatever”, Matt shrugged, leaning back in his chair.  
“Sorry for leaving all the cleaning to you…” Tai tried again.  
“So, go shower already, you still smell like sex”, Matt cut him off. He wanted this awkwardness to stop, that didn’t make his statement less true. Even sitting across from Tai, he still smelled the very distinct odor of sweat and cum. Thinking about it, he should probably let some air in.  
Tai sighed defeated and got up without another attempt at starting a conversation.  
  
Matt cleaned the table, opened the windows for a few minutes and waited until Tai left the bathroom, before getting a shower himself. Tai went to roam Matt’s clothes for something that fit him, ending up with an old band shirt prominently featuring the “Knife of Day” logo in red letters. Matt’s shorts were tight on him and there was no hope of him fitting into any of his jeans, so sweatpants had to do until his own clothes were out of the washer. At least Tai figured that’s where his stuff went; he wouldn’t go and ask… Matt was still in the bathroom and Tai took the breakfast situation as a hint that his friend needed some space.  
He found his jacket at the rack near the door, getting his phone from one of the pockets. The batteries were empty of course, but Tai knew Matt had a charger at his PC. He went to sit in front of the desk, catching up on his messages of the last two days, while his phone recharged.  
  
There were a few messages in the group with his soccer team, some unimportant chat with old classmates and people he met at university, then there was Izzy asking him if he could come by on Sunday. Tai answered a few messages, declining Izzy for the weekend and proposing Thursday evening instead. Then he got to the interesting bit.  
There was a single message from TK’s number: _Does Kari know?_  
Tai hesitated a moment, before typing back: _No. I don’t mind telling her though…_ He sent the message frowning a little. How should he go about this…? He actually got caught by surprise as his phone chimed only a moment later.  
_I haven’t told her yet… You should probably do that yourself._ Tai smiled a little desperate.  
_Yeah, I figured. I think we should all talk some time…_ he answered.  
_I’m actually over for the weekend. If you can come by, Kari and I will probably be at your parent’s until late afternoon or something._  
Tai hesitated for a moment, thinking hard about this. _Sure… I’ll come by later. Now… do I want to know what you’re doing with my sister?_ It was meant as a joke. He wouldn’t mess with his sister’s love life. A few years ago he would have cheered TK on, but he had gotten over it. Especially with his situation with Matt now, thinking about their siblings as a couple felt weird. But as long as his sister seemed happy he wouldn’t interfere.  
_Take care of Matt, will you?_ TK answered and Tai felt like they were on the same page about things.  
  
He also went to send Joe a message, asking if he could come by the university hospital later, he didn’t specify the purpose, but he suspected Joe would be able to guess. Joe usually took longer to answer so Tai locked his phone, leaving it again.  
Matt was already sitting on the couch, when he turned. Two blue eyes looking at him full of suspicion. He hadn’t heard him come back from the bathroom. The other didn’t say anything though, just looking like his usual untouchable self… maybe slightly more annoyed.  
“I’ll probably leave early to get some of my own clothes before meeting Joe”, Tai said gesturing towards the hoodie. Matt actually gave a dry laugh, seeing the shirt Tai had picked, well ,more like a amused grunt. The expression didn’t last though; it actually grew pretty sour again, when Tai continued talking. “I wouldn’t mind him knowing, though… I mean... I’m not ashamed of it… us…” Tai felt like he was digging his own grave and shut up.  
  
“Will you tell me what the hell is wrong?” He changed, abandoning the lighthearted tone for a more serious talk. Matt frowned visibly.  
“I don’t know” He answered, which was more than Tai was used to. He went over to sit beside his friend, his body turned towards him in an attempt to keep the good tendency going.  
“You look like I stole your favorite dessert, though” Tai said, easygoing but not fooling around too much. He had the urge to touch the blond hair, maybe kneed the tension out of Matt’s shoulder’s but he didn’t act on it.  
“I just don’t like change, I guess”, Matt bit out. His eyes made sure Tai knew Matt blamed him for it. Which Tai wouldn’t deny. The change they had started making was entirely his fault. But he still felt like he had done the right thing.“You seemed to enjoy yourself though.” His smile was too smug only earning a scuff from Matt, who turned to look away, before talking again.  
   
“Can you come by the club later? I would give you the spare keys but TK still got them and I’ll probably be working late.”  
Tai didn’t question the invitation to stay, even though he could have just gone home, leaving Matt to do what he usually did after work. It was good to have the confirmation, that Matt in fact wanted him to be here, even though he didn’t act like it right now. “Sure. I might not be up for dancing though” He said jokingly. Matt flashed him an annoyed look. “I could ask TK about the key, if you’d like it back…”, Tai offered, in an attempt to appease his friend.  
“Don’t bother”, Matt deflected. Tai would probably ask anyway.  
“You know he’s probably sorry…” Tai tried, but Matt’s furious gaze told him, he overstepped the boundaries. Well, it had been nice while it had lasted.  
“Just stay out of it”, he barked eyes fixed on Tai. Tai raised his hands signaling capitulation.  
“I’ll get going then” he said, because to be honest, even he didn’t want to deal with Matt when he was like this. Matt didn’t want show it, but there was a hint of sadness sinking into him, realizing what he had done. He wouldn’t make himself look worse, asking Tai to stay though, that would just sound pathetic. “I’ll be by the club whenever I’m done with Joe”, Tai added getting up. His phone would probably not even last the way over to his parents’ home, but he got himself ready anyway.  
After putting his jacket on over the ridiculous shirt, he turned to say goodbye.  
“See you” He said, hesitating, before turning for the door... Matt still sat at the couch, but now his eyes were fixed on the floor. “Yeah” the blond just answered and Tai got going, closing the door behind him with a sigh.

 

He stepped into the cold air outside, closing his jacket. What’s going on in your head, Yamato? He asked himself, taking the elevator, because his ribs would probably be aching by the time he got to his parent’s place anyway. The subway was about 5 minutes away; he spent about 10 minutes waiting until a train covering his destination arrived. Walking to the place took another 5 minutes, and it didn’t help Tai’s nervousness. TK was a friendly face, someone he had known for forever, and back at their talk yesterday it hadn’t seemed like he judged… still meeting him without Matt knowing felt wrong, almost like cheating, even though Tai argued hard to make himself feel differently about it. He was just trying to help, he always had been, it’s what got their thing going in the first place wasn’t it? Yeah, he wasn’t good at lying especially lying to himself. He loved Matt, he had given into his desire, because he had done so for a very long time. He had only been keeping himself together for as long as he did, because his friend had never given any hint to be interested in him like that, like it even was a possibility. Matt had always been popular with girls, even though he only ever started to seem interested in a relationship when Sora confessed to him. He had seemed so happy at the time… Sora had been certainly. Slowly getting Matt’s side of things Tai questioned if the blond had ever really wanted the relationship or if he had just been too afraid to lose Sora as a friend. He still wasn’t sure about Matt’s sexuality, only that the older didn’t seem to want to talk, let alone think about it too much. Tai wasn’t going around telling people, but most his friends knew he was bi.  
The way home from the station passed faster than Tai would have wanted it to. He had a key to his parent’s flat, so he just entered and announced himself. “Hi guys” There was no answerer. His parents were probably out. They had started to go out on Sundays soon after Tai had moved out. They actually liked traveling, almost like tourists, but Tai was happy for them. He put his shoes and jacket away and went to knock on Kari’s door. Technically it was also his old door.  


“Wait a second”, his sister called. He heard TK laugh and some fabric being shuffled hastily.  He raised a brow, but reminded himself, that he was probably in no position to judge.  
“I’ll be in the living room”, Tai just called through the door and went to sit down. As expected there was a dull pain in his side and he pulled the shirt up, to inspect the bruise. He just hoped it wasn’t broken. Joe would scold him either way. It would probably need weeks to heal even if it was just bruised… but at least it was off season for his team, unlike last time he had gotten himself beaten up.

He didn’t get much time to think about it. “Nii-san!”, Kari called out. She still had a light blush on her cheeks when she came to join him on the couch. She looked like she had thrown the first clothes on, that she had grabbed. Tai couldn’t help but smile questioningly one brow raised at his sister, as she ruffled her own hair in an attempt to make the mess look intentional at least. It was one of those not-what-it-looked-like situations, or maybe it wasn’t… Tai wasn’t judging but he was still the big brother in this situation. Kari’s eyes lingered on the bruise, as Tai pulled down the shirt again.  
“How are you?”, he asked pulling her into a hug, trying to avoid the question in her gaze for the moment. It had been a while since they had met without their parents. Life was busy, especially Kari’s.  
“I’m great. How are you? How’s Uni?” His sister asked all too innocent and willing to let Tai have a moment to find an explanation. So TK really hadn’t said a word. And yeah… Tai was supposed to be studying, but he wasn’t all set about it and took his sports career as an excuse for taking less classes than he should have on a regular basis. He was doing well though.  
“I’m fine”, he said smiling as his sister kept him at arm’s length, eyeing him up and down, as if she was looking for more bruises.  
“That’s Matt’s shirt”, she noted tugging on the fabric giving him a questioning look. He had almost forgotten about it. He smiled awkwardly.  
“Yeah, about that”, he said looking up, as TK joined them wearing some sweatpants and a shirt; his hair looking suspiciously messy, much like Kari’s. Tai tried to keep telling himself that this was not the time to discuss them, but he would get back to it. “We should probably talk.”  
Kari was still smiling at him reassuringly. It almost looked naïve or careless. He better but after spending the last few days with Matt, Kari’s joyful attitude was just easy to misjudge as ingenuity. “TK told me you would come… what’s up? He refused to tell me a single thing”, Kari looked back at the boy accusingly, but he just shrugged and sat down in an armchair to the side. Tai was glad about his sister being the joyful self she had always been. He still hoped she would never have to change. Kind, open hearted, he couldn’t help but wonder how it had taken so long for her and TK to get together… They had always been so close…  
His head was desperately stalling for time, he had to force himself to start talking, or this would take forever.  
  
“So…” Tai stalled in search of words. “TK caught me and Matt…” He had never kept his relationships a secret from his sister. Kari had seen some of the people he had been with over the years, no matter the gender. The only reason he hadn’t told her about Yamato yet was, that Matt didn’t seem too fond of the idea of anyone knowing. And it wasn’t a committed relationship, they were just fucking. Yeah… tell yourself that… Tai’s head busted his own attempts at finding excuses.  
“I knew it”, Kari said smiling wide, throwing her arms around Tai’s neck again. Tai raised a brow, looking over to TK who just shrugged sympathetically. “It’s not like we’re blind”, TK just said, leaving Tai to stare at him with his mouth open. Had he been that obvious? “Sorry” Kari laughed, letting go of her brother, gesturing him to move on.  
“Matt and I have this thing going… It’s not… I mean” Tai really fought against the blush sneaking onto his cheeks. He scratched his head, stalling. “It’s not that... like... , we’re not a couple or anything. It’s kind of complicated…”  
“How long?”, Kari asked, her smile unaffected by Tai’s awful attempt at explaining things and he couldn’t help but think, that Kari’s assumptions might just be a little off. Tai sighed. He tried not to think of TK sitting there right now, even though he had no doubt Matt’s younger brother was listening closely.  
“About two years”, Tai said his eyes reflecting only part of the sadness that had collected in that time. Kari’s face started to drop a little, her voice getting more serious…  
“Two years?” His sister repeated sinking into the couch a little more. She looked hurt. “How? What about Matt and… Why haven’t…”  
  
“Sora was the one to get me to talk to him again… She doesn’t actually know… but you know her, she probably does anyway. Matt doesn’t want to tell people…” Tai turned to look at TK, but the young man didn’t show any immediate reaction. “As for how…” Tai sighed, collecting his thoughts. Well, story time was about to start. “Sora actually asked me to take care of Matt, when she went abroad… I hadn’t talked to him in almost a year, you know, after he dropped her and our fight… I wasn’t too keen on seeing him, but she told me where he worked and convinced me to go check on him. It took me a few months but eventually... She was so worried… I couldn’t say no…” He didn’t mention how he couldn’t stop caring himself, even before he knew what was going on. How he just wanted Matt to get back to his old self again, despite knowing things weren’t that easy. Punching him to straighten his mind had failed miserably. “So I went to that club, he drank a lot back then, it was probably around the same time you had your… whatever that was" Tai said, adressing Tk for a moment. "I tried to talk to him, but you can guess how that worked out... I kept going every few weeks anyway, it went on for almost half a year, we barely talked, sometimes we fought. Eventually I found out he was taking people home with him, like random people, One-Night-stands. I actually got worried. I just watched him drag all those guys off every weekend for quite a while. We fought, when I tried to confront him. You have no idea how often he told me to get lost… almost got himself fired, when we beat each other up before his shift had ended.” Tai left out, how he had started to chase people away, that seemed all too keen on getting to Matt… the real shady types. And how that had gotten Matt angrier than anything else before. Tai actually caught two guys at the club drugging drinks. He hadn’t quite realized that Matt needed protection from himself first and foremost… but he was glad, he at least got to keep those people from getting to his friend, even before he got himself really involved.  
“I thought he was just picking fights…” TK muttered an angry gaze fixed on the floor. “…getting himself beat up… but…” Tai shook his head. "Maybe at first..." Kari was staring now, sadness and a little anger in her eyes.  
“So… There was another month or so of silnce, before I actually caught him and one of his dates on their way ‘home’. I wasn't stalking him or anything... it really was coincidence” Tai continued, finding it relieving to finally talk about it, even though it was a strange situation to do so.  “I knew the guy from… anyway… He was bad news. So I interfered. Matt was furious. And I don’t quite know how I thought it was a good idea, but I told him I could just go with him, if he was that desperate. We were both too drunk. He thought I was joking, challenging me to ‘fucking go through with it’. He didn’t actually think I would… I left him enough chances to tell me off though… I’m not… I mean… He wanted me to…” Tai had to stop and breathe for a second. He had always doubted the righteousness of his own motives that night. Kari put a hand on his arm, keeping him from drifting off.

“And that’s how things got started. He never stopped dragging people off on nights I wasn’t there, but when I was we usually ended up at his place together… I’ll spare you the details….  
I was really just trying to stop him from getting himself hurt at first… but I was pretty blind not quite seeing how he got me to do it for him instead… And I guess I’m a selfish asshole anyway, because I kept doing it. After a while he started calling, when he was upset and just needed… company. And I told myself that… I’m better than the random perverts at least. But I was really not, letting him push me too far anyway… I told him, it had to stop two days ago… the hurting, not… us… things have been weird.”  
Tai stopped himself remembering, that these two still were their younger siblings. He really didn’t need to break their sex life down for them. Kari looked at him with sorry eyes now. TK had fallen silent, his face unreadable, he almost looked like his brother.  
“I’m sorry… I know it’s a mess”, Tai added looking at the blond, waiting for him to say something, because it felt like it was his turn to do so after this. Tai would have gotten it, if TK had been mad at him… but he didn’t seem to be.  
  
“It’s alright” TK finally sighed, ending the tense silence. “Matt is stubborn. At least someone has been looking out for him. I was really worried he had pushed everyone away, before I saw you there…”  
Kari looked between them and fell silent. “We’re all a little messed up, aren’t we”, she said after the room had gone silent again. There was a sorrow in her eyes that went deeper than what they had just talked about. “We just should have stuck together…” Tears started rolling down her cheeks. Tai pulled her closer again, he looked over at TK, who had sunken back into the seat and was clenching his hands into fists. Shouldn’t he be comforting her?  
“It’s just life… it’s not like we won’t get back together… we always have…”, Tai tried to calm his sister, gently stroking a hand over her back. They hadn’t met up as a group for quite a while, but they were still in contact… Some of them. They had had times like this before… back before their last fight… Before the portals had closed. They had been separated from their partners before… Back when their first adventure had ended. And they had still managed to get together again, when they needed to. They would again… the question Tai couldn’t dismiss was, what it would take to make them though… after all the stakes of their fights only seemed to grow every time.

Kari wiped her tears away and straightened her back. “Maybe we should invite everyone… Maybe next time Mimi and Sora are over…” Kari said, but the light in her eyes didn’t shine as bright as it used to. Something about the world had changed, since their last battle… or more like… something hadn’t change back, as it used to before. The people remembered, only no one really knew about the part they had played in it. The government was covering up a lot of the facts, about how the Digimon-Crisis had been evaded. They had been forced to sign non-disclosure agreements about the last battle, just to be able to go back to their normal lives, without surveillance or worse. “We should”, TK agreed, looking up at the siblings. “Maybe you can even get Matt to join us again.” The blond said with a smile.  
Tai smiled back a little reluctantly. He wasn’t so sure he was doing much progress but it had only been two days, right?  
  
Silence threatened to take over again and Tai was really sick of it right now. At least talking seemed to get them somewhere. Changing to a somewhat easier subject he asked: “So… Matt told me you still had the spare key to his flat”, he asked. The younger just laughed dryly. “You can have it, if that’s what you want…” Tai nodded reluctantly. He wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do, especially after how the morning had gone, but he would feel a lot better knowing he could get to Matt. “I know he’s a mess. And I know he’s not actually mad at you… but I would feel better being able to…” Tai started his attempt at a justification. He didn’t really know how to end that sentence. Being able to do what?  
TK just waved it off and got up, disappearing into Kari’s room and leaving the Yagami siblings alone for a moment.  
“I just want to point out, that I’m an idiot, but I really didn’t mean things to end up like this.” Tai felt the need of saying, when the silence lasted again. TK was already back throwing him the single key. Tai caught it in his hands and put it in the pocket of Matt’s sweatpants.  
  
“Matt had nearly gotten himself beaten to death." Tai winced a little, because there was a high propability that might have been on him, too. "Or… maybe fucked, I guess... When I last checked on him… You know… before I told mom... I didn’t know what else to do anymore. Whatever you’re doing, it’s better than leaving him to his own devises. And it’s better than what mom tried to do…”   
“I’m glad you’re happy”, Kari said wiping away some tears, leaving Tai to wonder, where exactly she got that impression. Because he didn’t feel all too happy about it right now.  
“You’re staying with him for the weekend?” TK asked after a moment, he was back in the armchair by now. Tai just nodded looking at the floor. This talk was weird. Not bad. But it felt really wrong getting questioned by their younger siblings, even though they were all adults by now.

On that matter… Tai actually had some questions of his own… “So… Now that you know, I think you got something to explain as well… And don’t try to tell me it’s not what it looks like.” It was also an attempt at lightening the mood, and it failed miserably.  
Kari stiffened a little beside him, and he let go of her to give her some space. Tai watched clueless, as the two younger ones exchanged a look… He couldn’t read the situation. Maybe Sora could have… “We should probably talk about that too…”, Kari said, her cheeks flushed, where the tears from before had just dried. Her eyes were already wet again though. Tai raised a brow looking at his sister.  
“We’re not together”, TK said, drawing his attention. Tai’s brows furrowed processing the words. As a big brother, something about this really bugged him, but he was not entirely blind to some obvious similarities. “It’s not like I’m one to judge…” He said calmly, but he couldn’t help but eye TK with suspicion. “It’s complicated”, Kari whispered, staring at the floor where some of her tears were left to dry. Tai tried to smile, but it just made him look more confused.   Silence fell over the room, and Tai really couldn’t stand it anymore. He sighed and patted Kari’s head gently. “You know what… I don’t need to know now… I don’t know what you two are doing, but I trust you, Kari, and I’m here if you need me.” Tai said, pulling the girl into a hug.  
“Thanks… I doubt myself sometimes.” She sniffed at his chest. Drying off her face with already damp sleeves. Kari looked like she wanted to say something too but lacked the words. She started fumbling. “It’s Ken” His sister muttered almost too silent to be understood. Tai smiled, as he brushed over his sister’s hair once more, not really getting what she meant.  
“I’m with Ken… but…  it’s complicated” Kari explained her voice barely more than a whisper. Tai didn’t let go of her, just putting one and one together in his own mind, trying not to assume things too fast. He gently petted her back, while she still stared at the floor.  
“I don’t get it” Tai confessed “But I don’t really need to. I’ve got my own mess to take care of… I know you would never intentionally hurt someone Kari…” Kari stared sobbing. TK finally came over to put an arm around her shoulders.  
Tai moved back a little. TK whispered something he couldn’t understand and Kari nodded, leaning herself into Takeru’s arms. “Ken knows about us. It’s not exactly cheating, but we don’t know what to call it either. As far as your parents know, Kari and I are a couple… Aside from that no one knows yet.” TK explained caressing Kari’s back. It would be something they might have done before. The two had always been close after all. The girl calmed down little by little.  
  
“I haven’t had the heart to tell Miyako anything yet, but I really want to… I just don’t know… ”, she finally mumbled. Tai just started to understand the extend of the chaos the younger generation was dealing with. He leaned back, staring at the ceiling.  When had their lives become so full of drama? What would their partners say, when they could see just how twisted things had become?  
“You’re the most kindhearted person I know”, he reassured her, still looking upwards. “I’m sure you’ll do this right.” He didn’t mean to, but he actually made his sister cry again. It felt a lot like back, when the D3 digivices had appeared and the older digidestined had made space for the new generation. TK and Kari were the bridge between these two generations; they had been what really made the other’s put their trust in the new chosen kids. It felt like a whole different world talking to them, even though they had shared a lot of the adventure the different world had held for them. Tai started to wonder, how the other’s, the ones who didn’t have siblings to talk to, were dealing with it. Mimi had been with Michael for a long time… she had invited Sora over… Tai was keeping contact with Izzy and Joe, but he didn’t really talk to them about the things they had gone through. Those two liked to burry themselves in their work and their projects… They all seemed to have succumb to a feeling of exulansis, staying beyond themselves and trying to keep face towards those outside of their little world.

When Tai sat back again, Kari’s words from earlier just echoed in his head… Yeah they really were messed up. The history they shared. The way no one else seemed to even remotely notice how they seemed odd… It messed with all of them. They all just dealt with it differently.  
“I’m seeing Joe later…” He changed the topic. This mood was getting to him and he really needed a break from all this heavy shit.  
“We’re going out with Ken… Yolei and Davis will join us later, maybe Cody too, if he can take a break from studying.” TK told, as Kari was still calming herself again. Tai smiled, remembering how stressed out Joe had been when he had graduated before all of them even had a clue about it. Their weak attempt at Smalltalk died fast, only now, Tai just accepted it. He was out of ideas. Everything they talked about seemed to circle to some sort of nostalgia.  
TK and Kari still sat there cuddling, and after some getting used to, it was oddly comfortable just witnessing the two of them together. It felt like it was always supposed to be this way, even though Tai knew that was just him trying to make things look better than they were. He had done that with Matt and Sora too, just trying to convince himself that things were better that way. That it was better for him to stay out of it and move on.  


Tai got distracted as his phone chimed. It was Joe, so Tai didn’t wait to check. It was not like he was halting a conversation in doing do. Much like himself TK and Kari had fallen silent, lost in their own thoughts. _I’ve work until 6pm you can come by after._ The keeper of Reliability had always been there for him. Joe and Sora had always been the only one to really fit their traits, at least in Tai’s opinion. Bravery wasn’t something defining him. Maybe Takeru did a good job at representing hope… Kari wasn’t bad at lightening the mood, but Tai knew how dark her mood could turn. And Matt and friendship… after he had pushed everyone away… Whatever the digiworld had thought to be at the heart of their personalities… Time had changed it immensely.  
Or maybe it was like Matt had said back at their last battle... they simply weren't destined anymore.   
And of course the seperation from their partners... Tai still missed Agumon. The bond they shared was nothing to be forgotten, even if years had passed since they had had to say goodbye. And Tai was sure he was not the only one to feel that way, even though most of them didn’t talk about it. He knew Kari had had nightmares about Gatomon for a long time after the portals had closed.  
He had never really talked about it with Matt or anyone else for that matter.  
Their farewell had been heartbreaking on its own.   
Maybe he should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a pain to write. Had some logic errors in the first version and had to rewrite it... an then I wasn't happy, so I wrote everything again until it felt right >.< there's like 5 or 6 versions now.
> 
> I like this now, though.
> 
> Also... turns out Tai's the main POV for now... don't know how that happend. In the first draft I was switching all the time, keeping more of an allknowing whatever perspective... ~~which was definitly planned and is not just me not caring too much... ^^~~ But if anything I would have thought Matt would be the focus, because I always liked him better. Strange things happen, when you don't plan stories *shrug*
> 
> Also Kariken all the way... but TKari is so sweet... I just decided to do both. Bear with me, I'll attempt to somehow not drift off the main ship while getting the difficulties of young Poly relationships across. ~~Like that'll work *laugh*~~  
>  If it get's too bad it'll get it's own story probably.


	7. Joe

Tai stayed for a while longer, while he got his phone charged.  
Kari and TK left him some space. Kari had taken over their old room. Yet it hadn’t really changed much since he had moved out to live on campus. And most importantly he still had a bunch of clothes in his half of the old closet. He felt displaced in here anyway between Kari’s décor, TK’s bags and the mess in between. He changed into some of his own clothes packing Matt’s stuff into an old bag of his. He also packed another change for himself; just to be sure he had something to put on after…  
He smiled at the thought, lightly blushing, despite having the room to himself for now. Matt was usually worked up after his workhours so Tai just mentally prepared for what was to come anyway. First he would meet Joe though and even that was still a few hours away. It was about an hour to get to the university hospital Joe worked at. Tai had been there far too often already, but at least his visits helped to keep in contact with the oldest of them. Joe would be long out of reach and no one beside Gomamon had ever been able to get the guy to stop neglecting his social life. Tai closed his eyes sighing… Yeah, it just seemed to be a day like that.  
They always came back… the memories and with them the feelings. Agumon was still out there, probably with the others too, but there was no way of getting back to them for now. It had been their decision and as much as it hurt to be apart again, it had porbably been the right one. Izzy had worked himself into exhaustion for a few months when the portals had started closing but he couldn’t get them to stop and much less open again; Not with their old digivices neither with the D3s. If it had still been around Tentomon would have stopped him for sure, Tai just couldn’t quite get himself to for very selfish reasons. But at least he had supplied him with some Oolong tea. He knew Izzy hadn’t given up even now, aside from studying he was still trying to get behind the code… the data… whatever…

  
Tai shook his head, deciding he could really use some fresh air.  
He said his goodbye and see-you-soon and headed out, the old bag packed with the few things he deemed useful for the rest of his weekend with Matt. He planned to just take a walk… maybe he’d walk over to the hospital… or at least as far as his ribs would allow him to… He knew Joe would be scolding him later, but he wasn’t too worried about it. Walking would hopefully clear his head a little. And he really could use a clear head for facing Matt later today.  
  
When Tai was gone, Matt lingered on the couch for another while, thinking about how this just had gone down. He missed his friend already. Why had he even been in such a bad mood? He didn’t remember clearly. Now that he was alone again the strange feeling of emptiness was back.  
With a long sigh Matt rose and got back to taking care of his household. There was enough left to do, it distracted him for a good portion of the time.  
He took care of laundry, drying the first batch and starting a second with the covers and whatever else could go with it. He cleaned the water stains the melted ice cubes had left in front of the couch. And because cleaning somehow always cleared his mind a little, he also went to do his bathroom. He could have just taken a nap, but the thoughts about Tai kept creeping in.  
He missed him. Now that the brunette was gone and most signs of him cleaned away Matt felt a numb fear that he might not come back. It was a feeling that never quite left, after he had pretty much assumed Tai dead seven years ago. Shortly before the last battle they had fought with their partners and before the portals had closed…  
Matt shook his head to center himself. Tai hadn’t died back then. Yet Matt still had nightmares about it. The memory clawed itself up from deep within him. He had locked it away… because he knew it would always be an open wound… a pain he would have to live with until he died.  
The day Tai had returned to save them, when they needed him most. It was the same day that led to Gabumon struggling against his desire to save the world it belonged to, just to fulfill a promise… A stupid promise it had made for Matt to continue fighting, leading, while Tai was gone. And the same memories that had left him with that stupid hope for the impossible. That had lulled his heart into believing that things that were lost might just come back when he needed them most.  
His head knew better but that didn’t help when his dad died. Everyday there had been this feeling pulling at the wounds of grieve, whispering that maybe just maybe it might all just be another bad dream, another desperate fight waiting for the miracle. It tore him apart. Hope… a stupid, naïve hope had hurt him more than anything else he had witnessed.  
It had taken him months to finally burry it. Deep down with the memories, deep down, where they wouldn’t hurt him unless he let them, unless he called upon them, when nothing else could fill the emptiness they left. An emptiness Matt filled with more pain, with recklessness and hatred, as if that could help make it easier to bear when the day came to face his fears.

Maybe that was another reason he couldn’t stand looking into Takeru’s eyes… Or any of his friend’s for that matter, he knew they still had that defiant hope in them, when they thought about their adventures. Tai was the worst of them even though their last fight seven years ago had nearly cost him his life… He had seen Nishijima die and it had obviously changed him, but he still... Matt hit the wall with his flat hand, the pain shooting up his arm roughly calling him back into the present.  
  
His heart stung with the faint memories… as he chased them down into the abyss they had emerged from. There was still another hour before it made sense to get ready and even then he’d be early.  
He had to keep his shit together until then though.  
He caught himself thinking, that all this would have been easier if he hadn’t chased Tai off. He clenched his fists. He needed to stop his head from trailing off to those places. He needed to focus or it would be another day of him failing at being a functioning human being.

Matt avoided thinking by grabbing his guitar and just playing, easily finding himself making up melodies and lines… nothing substantial, but he always wrote best, when his heart felt like it was getting torn apart. If he had the strength to go through the maze he created in this mood later, he actually got good music out of it. But he had whole folders with stuff he couldn’t get himself to look at without at least half a bottle booze in his system. And even then it mostly just ended with him crying on the floor.  
He mostly avoided facing the emotions he had packed away in some of those sheets and lyrics. He just wrote them down to get them out of his system and go outside like a functioning adult. On some days even that failed.  
But usually writing or even just recording whatever crossed his mind helped him zone out and forget the world he lived in for just a moment. Just a little while of drifting and letting go of the responsibilities that living here brought and the things this world had cost him.  
At least he knew there were other worlds out there to live in…  
...he still had that stupid hope, that there'd be a chance to go back there some day. Maybe he'd stay there for good...

Matt spent the rest of the time at his guitar. After a while, the turmoil inside of him calmed, his heart slowing down and the lingering headache fading into a dull presure in his skull. He waited till he felt nothing again, before putting his guitar aside. He stashed the sheets he had taken notes on and finally went to get himself ready.  
  
  
“Hi, I’m Yagami Taichi. I’m supposed to meet Kido Jou?” Tai introduced himself at the entrance to the university hospital. It was not a normal hospital, only very few patients actually were stationed here. This place was mostly used for science experiments and health studies. Tai had helped out on some of them, when Joe had asked... he did get some moey but mostly it felt like a good deed. Something that fit Nishijima's last words. And it wasn't too much of a bother.  
“Just a moment please”, the woman behind the counter said. She was younger than him, probably a student working here to pay their bills. Tai’s smile was friendly, as he looked around the oddly familiar place, trying to not grow too nervous. Aside from a few posters nothing ever really changed here. Even the plants didn’t seem to… were they plastic? Tai had never checked.   
“Kido-san is still in a meeting, I am supposed to ask you to wait in his office, please.”  
So Joe had an office now… “Ok… uhm… Where would that be?” He asked. The receptionist gave him a number and patiently explained the way. Tai just nodded. “Thank you”, he answered with a light bow of his head and got going.  
It took him a while to find the room. It was on the third floor, quite a stretch away from the elevators. He knocked at the door, not getting an answer, so he tried opening it without success.  
There were no seats in this hall, much to Tai’s demise. His ribs were hurting from his way here. He hadn’t made it all by foot, getting halfway, before the dull stinging in his side got the better of him and forced him to take a train instead. Tai just bit his teeth and forced himself to idly wander the hall.  
  
Joe took another thirty minutes to finally show up. Tai turned when he heard someone coming, his face wearing a pained smile. Jou was still wearing his white coat with the name tag and carried a clipboard, looking awfully important. “I’m sorry Tai, something came up.” Joe said sounding stressed, but that was just the usual when it came to him. Tai waved it off and smiled apologetically. He was unbelievably glad that at least his face hadn’t taken any visible damage this time around… at least none that had lasted. “Sorry to bother you again”, Tai just said “Me and Matt had a little… clash.” He didn’t even need to see the frown on Joe’s face to know that that’s exactly what he hadn’t hoped to hear.  
Joe sighed deeply. “Sure, what else… Can’t you ever just come over to bring me flowers or something?” Joe grinded his teeth, Tai just smiling back at him looking sorry. But Joe did also notice the way Tai seemed too tense.

“After you.” He invited Tai in, after opening the door with his ID-chip.  
“You got an office now?” Tai asked trying to sound relaxed but he really wasn’t anymore at this point. “It’s a shared office, but Takagawa-san already left for today.” The older explained. There were two desks both had a chair for guests in front of them but one of them was stacked with papers. Yeah, that wasn’t Joe’s, Tai concluded and sat down in the other one taking in a sharp breath, as his ribs felt the different angle of pressure on them again.  
Joe’s brows were furrowed, as he eyed Tai for a moment, before closing the door and putting the papers in a drawer behind his desk. He didn’t sit down. “You really don’t look good… What happened this time?” There was no kidding Joe. He was more observant than Tai could ever hope to be, maybe not the best at social things or reading feelings like Sora, but he was quick to pick up facts. Like the fact that Tai was in pain, more than he would like to show.  
“I just tried to talk some sense into him…”  
“Why do I feel like I heard that before… You do realize that I should be filing this stuff by now… I’m sure Matt doesn’t look any better, but it’s still technically assault.”  
“Actually Matt is fine” Tai said, regretting it the second it came out of his mouth, because that would just need more explaining. He sighed about his own thoughtlessness. “I just made my point in not fighting back this time… You know… just for a change.” His attempt at a joke just bounced off of Joe’s stern expression.  
Joe rolled his eyes. “When will you guys ever stop doing that? Can’t you just talk for once? Like reasonable people… or maybe just like adults…”  
“We actually did that after” Tai said a little proud, earning him an unimpressed glimpse from the not-yet doctor. “TK had sent him a copy of the script he was writing about our adventures and Matt threw a fit. I had to soften him up a little… He was drunk and I don’t have to tell you why that’s never a good point in time for trying to reason with him.”  
Joe wasn’t mad, even if the look on his face was easy to misinterpret. Tai knew the guy enough, to know he was just worried and possibly a little annoyed for being dragged into it, while he had so many other things to work on. But Joe would never turn down a friend… he had learned that much.

“Well, what’s the damage then?” He asked, getting back around his desk. Tai just went ahead and stood too, getting his jacket of, then his shirt. Joe gulped down his first impulse to yell at Tai, when he saw the bruises on his chest. Tai turned to put his clothes down on the chair… wincing at the movement.  
That’s when Joe saw, what his friend either had forgotten or… no, Tai must have had forgotten. Joe blushed for a second before lowering his eyes and sighing.  
“Sorry” Tai muttered as he turned back, seeing Joe’s reaction and just taking it for his usual despair at his injuries.  
  
Joe massaged his eye before looking up again. He put his glasses back in place and stepped closer to examine the reckless idiot in front of him. “How is Yamato?” He started a conversation, because that’s what a good doctor is supposed to do. He also started feeling the biggest of the dark spots on Tai’s skin, pressuring the area gently and keeping an eye on Tai’s reaction. It really was a basic abillity for him by now.  
“He’s somewhat better… I mean he did talk, finally. It’s not like that fixes things, but I might just have gotten the point across, that we might need to hit each other a little less next time.” Tai was joking a little, trying to distract himself from the pain the examination caused.  
“You two will be the death of me” Joe moaned, messaging his neck with one hand. “Please tell me you have at least been cooling this?”  
Tai lowered his head and shook it. “Not exactly.” Joe continued the wrinkles on his forehead growing deeper. “It’s two days old” Tai added, as his friend kept silent.  
Joe gave up talking and only started asking about the degree of pain, as he carefully pressed down on different spots. This actually was worse than the silence Tai figured biting his teeth. Joe kept at it longer than he should have. It was very unprofessional, but he really needed to make sure he didn’t miss anything. And also he needed a moment to stomach the realization the scratches on Tai’s back had caused. It’s not like he hadn’t suspected it. There had been little hints that Matt and Tai were not simply fighting… He just never believed Tai would keep it a secret from him. In fact, he was very disappointed. But looking at Tai’s injuries, there was enough professional reason for the decision that was forming in his mind. Sure, his ego being hurt played its part, but it still was the responsible choice to make.  
He got up and leaned against his desk.  
Tai fell back into the chair and raised his gaze expectantly.

  
Joe put on a face that was all business. He could do that. “I don’t think anything is broken, but it’s hard to tell without an x-ray. There’s some swelling and to be frank, you are lucky there was no internal bleeding…” Joe let the words sink for a moment. Tai tried to keep his smile up, but he had an idea what Joe was going at and that was hard to play down. “This is just short of something that would send you to the ER, Tai. I really don’t want Yamato or you to get into trouble, but this is not just friendly brawling anymore.” He urged. Tai felt something off about the way Joe was looking at him but he couldn’t point it out. He sighed, letting himself sink a little lower.  
“I swear to you, I have this under control.”  
“It’s not a joke, Tai, stop making excuses.” Joe looked at him, leaving no room for discussion. “If this happens again I’ll file it.”  
“Joe, please” Tai begged, looking up at his friend.  Joe could barely stand it.    
“At least be honest and tell me how you got hurt, Tai… I won’t just cover your recklessness. I really don’t know what the two of you have going on, but it is clearly out of control…”  
“What…”, Tai looked at Joe’s eyes, realizing what was wrong with that look. It was THAT look… It was a lot like the one, Kari had given him. He just didn’t understand how…  
“You’re back is all scratched up, Tai…” Joe adjusted his glasses to hide the hint of embarrassment that took over his face as he answered the question presented by Tai's confusion. It went as fast as it came though. “I’m not an idiot. Not an expert for sure, but I know those are not from fighting.”  
Tai’s expression slipped. He couldn’t even get the curses in his head out to express it. He covered his eyes with one hand, hoping to hide the tears filling them. He took a shaky breath, that made his ribs sting, but he didn’t even care now, as a weird mix of suppressed sobbing and frantic laughter started shaking him.  
“I’m a dead man walking now… Matt is going to kill me”, Tai laughed, throwing his head back to look at the ceiling. He felt a strange mix of deperation and relief and he didn't know what to do except laughing it off.

Joe kept silent, not knowing how to deal with this reaction either. Eventually Tai calmed down by himself. He held his ribs, turning back to the older one, holding his gaze for quite a while before talking again. “I’m actually really glad you know now…” Tai said, not yet collected enough, to really make any sense of this. “I wanted to tell you…” Tai added, brushing some leftover tears away. Joe just sighed. Of course. It wasn’t like Tai to try and conquer the world all by himself; the brunette had learned that a long time ago. Joe had thought Matt had too… but he couldn’t deny that life had just not been kind to the bearer of friendship.  
“I’m not going to tell Matt… but you need to get a handle on this. One that doesn’t make you end up here at least once a month”, Joe said, not actually as angry anymore. His anger had always been easy to deflate; he wasn’t a hot head, like Tai or Matt. He was fairly self-conscious. He knew he had short comings of his own that he didn’t deal with the way he probably should. Sometimes he regretted being so reasonable. “Who knows about this? What about Sora? Kari? TK?... Have you told Izzy?” Tai’s head slowly started functioning again. He sighed.  
“TK found out yesterday. I met him and Kari today and told them… Sora… doesn’t exactly know. But she told me to take care of Matt when she left, so…” Tai stalled by putting his shirt back on. “I don’t talk about this stuff with Izzy… or anyone really. Maybe I spend a little too much time with Matt.” Joe actually smiled at that. He wasn’t sure if those two were a good couple. They had always been clashing, always fighting… It was naturally making him worry if this even had a possibility to turn out in anything but a disaster. Taking the scientific approach, there always was a reason to at least check for it, before deeming something a failure.  
“So… Matt actually broke up with Sora, because he’s… into men?” Joe said, sorting through his thoughts and trying to pick the ones worth mentioning. Tai looked surprised by the conclusion. “I… never thought about it that way.” He confessed. Joe shook his head smiling.  
“Be careful with him, Tai. Not because I disapprove… And not because I blame Matt… but because I know how you guys rile each other up, until everything explodes way above your heads.”  
“I know. Well I realized that it has gone too far”, Tai agreed sitting back.  
They sat there for another moment, before Joe got up.  
  
“I’ll get you some painkillers. If you’re getting worse… dizziness, nausea, anything really, you go and see a real doctor or I’ll tell Kari how bad this really is.” Tai sat there defeated. He couldn’t quite argue, realizing how Joe just had to do for him, what he had been trying to do for Matt. To his credit at least he was less dense than Matt seemed to be. Being aware of stuff like this was harder than it should have been. Matt probably just had the same problem Tai had… he fell for tunnel vision. The realization left Tai thinking.  
  
Joe went to do as he had announced and after he came back, both of them went their seperate ways. Tai took one of the painkillers and thanked him again, before parting and getting out of the hospital. He headed straight for the station nearby, boarding a train, that would get him to the club Matt was working at.  
He felt strained and actually fell asleep on the way, but it helped him clear his head a little. He felt relived, even though he didn’t quite know how to face Matt now.  
Keeping this a secret was no option. Secrets wouldn’t help them, they would just sit around until they blew up… Tai smiled at how Kari seemed to have known that just following her instinct while he still had to fight his urge to just keep quiet. Tai couldn’t help himself to feel like he had been an idiot before, for everything that today taught him.  
And the day wasn’t over yet.  
Maybe he should get himself some martial arts padding, before facing Matt again?  
Though he didn’t exactly have the money for that.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why's plot so complicated to write... *sigh*  
> Getting Joe right was... difficult to say the least, but I think I got it now. Izzy will probably appear too in the future.... not looking forward to figuring him out ^^'
> 
> I'm trying hard to keep things logical and understandable... some feedback would be awesome... without it I'll just assume it is somewhat working or noone actually cares about the plot... I'll keep writing it anyway... 
> 
> Only one, maybe two more chapters of that before we get back to smut though. Next chapter will have some OCs to keep the setting alive...  
> Thanks to everyone reading. Have a great start into december and into christmas season, for whoever cares about that.  
> (In regards to that: I don't do season specials... I just don't care about it enough...)


	8. Ten Years

It was half past eight when Tai entered the club Matt worked in. The glowing sign above the door subtly promoted it as “Prism”. The bouncer, Hideo, just nodded as Tai passed, not even caring to control his backpack. He was the only one in the entrance area now but soon this place would start filling with people, it was a nightclub after all. Behind the counter for the checkroom sat a familiar face.  
  
“Hi Eimi”, the brunette greeted the woman taking care of the checked items. She was also the owner of the place. She was Japanese but had bleached hair and dyed the tips blue. Tai had never seen her without a smile. It spoke volumes about her as a person, and it left Tai wondering how she dealt with Matt on most days. “Yagami-kun, nice to see you.” She beamed.  
“It is”, Tai answered smiling back at her. They weren’t exactly friends but he liked her for the few times they had talked so far.  
“It has been a while. What has my favorite unpaid bouncer been doing? Did Ishida chase you away or something? Do I need to have a word with him?” She narrowed her eyes, but she was still smiling. Tai chuckled. “We’re fine, he’s just stressed.” She had never asked about the nature of their relationship, but it was obvious she had drawn her own conclusions from what she saw here. There was no point in hiding it, even Matt didn’t try.  
“Yeah, but isn’t he always? He looked like he was ready to murder someone when he came in today… he really scared the new bartender.” Tai handed her his bag and jacket, while they were talking. He laughed at her words, but he couldn’t help but worry about Matt’s mood. It had been bad all day then… “Well, at least his music seems to get better the angrier he is…” she laughed, putting Tai’s stuff away.  
“I could help with that”, Tai offered jokingly. Eimi turned to him pointing a finger at his chest, her eyes sharp. “No fighting before closing hours”, she warned only dropping the hand, as she handed him the ticket for his checked items.  
“Of course”, Tai answered. And she just laughed at him. “I’ll just go and stop him from staring people to death then.” “I mean it, Yagami! I’ll throw both of you out!” She threatened, but Tai already turned and waved back to her.  
“See you” He added and went on deeper into the club.  
  
The main floor was down a small hallway. The bathrooms were to the right, to the left there was a staircase heading up to a few smaller rooms, hidden behind a heavy fire proof door. Eimi rented the rooms out for private events, but when they were free, they sometimes doubled as additional dancefloors. If there were enough DJs that is… Matt would be at the main stage however, he always was. And Tai could already hear the familiar beats that just sounded like his friend.  
In here he wasn’t Matt though. He was wearing a black face mask that covered everything below his eyes and extended over the neck. He had also styled his hair back loosely and added some colorful strands in there to make him look less like himself. But what actually made the look striking was the touch of dark eyeshadow around Matt’s already intense eyes. Tai hadn’t been fooled but Sora had told him what Matt was doing here before he came for the first time. It did a good job at making him look different, especially with the flashing lights; it was easy to miss the similarities.  
And since Matt couldn’t exactly use his real name, Eimi had given him an alias:  
Goryō.

At least it stopped people form wondering about the staring too much.  
And it left a smile on Tai’s face, because with Eimi he was certain, the implications were very much intended. Matt as the vengeful spirit, yet to be appeased; though the real question was, did that make Tai the Yamabushi?  
Of course Eimi and most of his coworkers knew Matt’s real name, but so far nothing had spread enough to get him into trouble with his band. Matt had never told them, probably because there were times, when he actually liked this job more than working with them.  
Tai had only made a few steps into the room, when Matt raised his head to stare at him for a few seconds. It actually looked even more intense, without seeing the rest of his expression. Tai raised his hand greeting him, before he went to sit at the bar. There were only a handful people here yet, but the night was still young. The dozen or so guests were mostly dancing in front of Matt’s setup. The music wasn’t too crazy yet, but Matt would probably turn things up, once there were more people.  
  
“Taifu!” A red haired girl practically jumped him from behind the bar setting a bottle of his usual beer in front of him. He wasn’t too picky about alcohol, mostly because he wasn’t too fond of it. She reached her hand over to greet him. He answered their usual handshake holding on for just a second. She was half Scottish, half Japanese and she always had too much energy, which probably was the main reason Matt didn’t get along with her at all. Not that that would stop Tai from making friends.  
“Shouldn’t I be the one calling you to get drinks?” Tai laughed as he let go. The redhead looked at him pouting. “But senpai! I missed you.” Taking her at face value, she looked too young to even get into a place like this, she also made a big act to seem that way but Matt had eventually told him that Uriya Momoko was actually a year older than both of them. Tai didn’t mind the play pretend though, didn’t think too much about it either. “Momo-chan, you know I’ll always come back to you”, he said trying hard to keep a straight face. “Yet you left me waiting!” She huffed theatrically before leaning in, signing him to come closer, a wide smile on her face.  
Tai raised a brow but complied anyway as she nearly climbed the counter to whisper into his ear. “Arashi-kun is really sour today; don’t bug him too much, ok?” She actually sounded worried. Tai had always had the slight suspicion that she might have a crush on him, but he had brushed it aside. She definitely wasn’t as observant as Eimi, so it seemed like she never really picked up on him and Matt. Or maybe she was just a little naïve. On the other hand she was usually friendly with regulars, so it was hard to tell what went on with her. Tai refused to break his head figuring it out. She gave them matching nicknames, for whatever that was worth… Tai just laughed.  
“I would never” He said solemnly and Momo poked his nose.  
“Oh yes you would, you little masochist”, she said raising her voice a little and falling back to stand on her feet again. _Yeah, I’m the masochist_ , Tai thought to himself. Her eyes seemed to wander the room, then snapped back to Tai’s face. “Yeah, he already looks, like he’s going to murder you. I mean… He might also be looking at me… but I’m too cute to murder, so it must be your fault.”  
Tai just leaned back on his chair and shook his head, suppressing the urge to turn and see what kind of look exactly Matt was sending their way. Was he still mad about this morning? Tai couldn’t quite make sense of it. “He can try”, Tai joked, knowing full well that he would beat Matt anytime, if he really tried to. Momoko sighed putting a hand above her heart. “My poor Taifu, just back and yet so soon the storm might take him from me.” Momo tried rhyming, failing at keeping a serious face halfway through and ending in utter laughter.  
  
“I’ll be around for a while, don’t worry”, Tai said smiling mildly, unsure if it was really just an act or if she meant anything by it. Her failed attempt at poetry wasn’t really helping the confusion about how much she knew… Tai waved her off, as she hopped away to another customer taking a place at the bar. She always was one to live up to the mood one was looking for in a club, or at least Tai’s version of it. There was a young man further back, cleaning glasses and shakers… that must be the new guy. He did look a little lost, but that was none of Tai’s business. He took the beer and sipped reluctantly. He wasn’t too keen on getting drunk, but one beer wouldn’t hurt, right?  
Matt’s music, at least the one he played here, always had an aggressive edge to it, sharp beats and hard drops, dominating the mix. It sounded a lot more like Matt, than what the band played nowadays. The club had a decent selection of tapes for Matt to mix… not that Tai knew anything about it, but he had managed to get Matt to talk while he was working on something. Matt didn’t hesitate to put his own music in there and Tai couldn’t help but smile at the sound of his friend’s pitched voice, whenever it came up. It sounded a lot closer to the desperate moans he made in bed, than his talking, or even his singing voice.  
Tai liked Matt’s voice. He had always liked Matt’s music, but he also was biased. It seemed people here liked DJ Goryō, too. Eimi wouldn’t just put someone on the main floor, without a good reason. She might not look like it, but she was good at handling a business and she loved the place and her staff, as long as they kept their shit together somewhat. Many other employers would have thrown Matt out for his habits of getting too wasted and dragging off customers. Tai felt oddly included into the team, even though he wasn’t exactly on the payroll. He got free drinks quite often though… He wasn’t sure if those were on Momo or Eimi, he hadn’t questioned it too much. It lightened the strain on his pocket, which was reason enough not to think too hard about it.  
  
Tai turned to sit sideways at the bar, exchanging small glances with Matt, whenever he looked up. The blond looked pretty zoned out. He might as well be looking right through Tai. It was better than him glaring at the crowd at least. As a friend, Taichi couldn’t help but worry regardless. He sipped his beer slowly. Matt had a clear bottle at his set he drank from now and then and it was hard to tell if the colorless liquid within was really just water. Tai knew the odds were even. On a bad day Matt would drink vodka neat. Was the day that bad? It was hard to guess.  
About half an hour later the number of guests had doubled and business was starting to pick up; Tai had just started his second beer, when he slowly felt an uncomfortable heat taking over his body. His heart started beating faster by the minute and his field of vision got blurry at the edges. He felt dizzy, but not like he was about to pass out. “Fuck” He muttered. It was not like getting drunk… It felt worse, because his mind was still very much clear, as his face turned red and everything started to spin.  
“Are you alright?”  
The voice sounded strange, as if talking through a mask, but when he turned to look at its source, he just saw Momo’s worried face. And subconsciously he was disappointed. “I think I should get out of here”, Tai muttered, as his stomach started aching in warm waves. Then he remembered the painkillers Joe had given him earlier. “Fuck.” He groaned as his stomach started seizing. He pushed his arm against the area, to calm the pulsing pain, but it didn’t quite help.  
  
Momo was around the bar before he knew it, signaling her new colleague to take over before guiding Tai out by his shoulders. He couldn’t help but throw a quick look back at Matt. He didn’t expect him to actually look at them, but his eyes were widened in confused shock. “Come on” Momo urged and dragged Tai off anyway. She unlocked the door that led them upstairs. So the rooms were free then…  
He was still aware of what he was doing, but he had a hard time thinking straight. It was like the dizziness also made his thoughts spin in circles now, making them hard to grasp, while the mass of them caused a headache. Momo lead him into one of the smaller rooms and sat him down on a red couch. Tai let himself sink back, because it felt like the best thing to do against the world spinning around him. Was this a karaoke room? There was no dancefloor, but a projector and a screen for it that covert a whole wall. There was some sort of kitchen like thing in the back and there where little dots of colored light in the ceiling. His eyes just drifted idly.  
Momo crouched in front of him waving a hand merely an inch away from his face. His gaze took a moment to refocus. “Taifu? Are you still with me?” She sounded seriously worried but overall calm; she lifted a hand feeling his forehead. “That was only one beer… what have you been doing?”  
Tai knew… but his thought took forever to form into words: “Forgot about the painkillers” Momo’s eyes widened. “Painkillers? Taichi!” She yelled at him. Tai closed his eyes trying to shut out the pain in his intestines, but she pulled on his ear making him yelp and stare at her again. “How long ago?” She asked, focusing him with a serious look. Tai breathed then mumbled out the answer. “An hour or two.” He had kinda lost track of time. His eyes were about to fall shut again, but Momo patted his cheek roughly. “No way am I letting you fall unconscious now. Stay awake, I need to get Eimi.”  
Tai nodded faintly and Momo rose and turned to leave, stunned in action, as she met a pair of piercing blue eyes.   
How long had he been there?

 

Matt’s heart started to jump. Something was wrong… He looped one of his longer mixtapes into the que and grabbed his water bottle, before chasing after the redhead dragging off his drunken friend. He didn’t trust that girl and the jealousy was easier to admit than the fear of what was happening…  
Tai usually kept his liquor, he was no match for Matt, but he had definitely not been here long enough to be actually wasted. The DJ seriously suspected the redhead of spiking his drink for a second, but he knew that was stupid, no matter how much he wanted to dislike this particlar coworker.   
Matt tracked them to the second floor, listening carefully to the words sounding down the staircase, as he caught up. He clenched his fists at what he heard, jumping up the last few steps. Tai’s gaze was immediately drawn to him. But it looked empty, like it went right through him. Matt pulled the face mask down in a swift motion before heading into the room. Not even looking at the redhead.  
“You fucking forgot about painkillers? Are you trying to kill yourself” Matt was furious and he had no intention of hiding it. Momo placed herself between them, catching the DJ’s angry gaze with determined eyes. “No fighting, Arashi, I warn you.” There was no playfulness in her words, despite the nickname.  
 Matt bit back a comment on where she could stuff that warning, piercing eyes fixed on the redhead. “I’ll take care of him. Go tell Eimi already.” He ordered in full commanding tone just staring her down with a cold expression.   
“No fucking way I’m leaving you with him!” Momo answered, trying to make herself bigger than she was. Matt snorted at the pathetic sight of her trying to shield Tai. As if she could, if he was out to get him. He was clenching his fists. He was not going to hit her, but it took a lot of control.  
“Get lost!” He barked instead. She flinched turning a worried look back at Tai.  
“Momo, it’s fine”, Tai said from behind the girl, his voice somewhat off tone, but mellow and warm. She really had no clue about them, Matt realized a little dumbfounded. It didn’t really make her more sympathetic in his eyes though. It probably meant she really was as self-absorbed as she acted. The look on her face changed rapidly, worry turning to confusion, until her eyes narrowed slightly, as she stepped aside reluctantly.  
  
Matt frowned. He didn’t want her here, but he stepped closer to Tai anyway. There was something more important now. He didn’t turn to look at the girl again. He felt her eyes on his back though putting the tingling feeling of being watched aside was surprisingly easy as he got close enough to see just how dilated Tai’s eyes were. He reached out to his neck to feel his temperature, ignoring the sound of Momoko shifting cautiously behind him, as he touched his friend. Her heart sank as she realized it was a soft gesture, gentle and careful and fond even though Matt was still tense.  
As the thought trickled in, it made Momoko’s voice shaky. “Don’t you dare punch each other”, she now flashed both of them a tear-filled eye before she left muttering to herself about how the guys she liked always turned out to be gay before audibly sniffing the rising tears away. She wasn’t quite right… Tai wouldn’t dare correct her assumptions now though, not while Matt looked at him with threatening worry in his eyes, his hand still resting in his neck.

The world was already spinning a little less, including his thoughts.  
“Don’t be so mean” He said without any heat behind it. He felt tipsy, but it might just be exhaustion. Matt pulled him in to make their heads touch. “You’re a fucking idiot.” He muttered. At least Tai didn’t seem too hot. He would probably not go into shock… Matt let got and plumbed down beside him, thrusting the water bottle at his chest. “Drink!” Tai was not in the mood or condition to really object. At least he knew it wasn’t vodka now… The cool water made his stomach cramp up again, making him hunch over, grinding his teeth.  
“Have you eaten anything at least?” Matt asked his voice dry. Tai just shook his head. Matt had to take a deep breath to stay calm, while his thoughts cursed Tai to hell and back. How could he be so stupid, while telling him to take better care of himself?  
“We need to get that shit out of you”, Matt stated. Tai nodded, because anything that would stop his stomach from seizing up every few seconds sounded great, even more so coming from Matt’s mouth.  
The blond rose to search the shelves in the back of the room for plastic bags and threw one at his friend as he found them. It landed in his lap. Tai started fumbling at the plastic with shaky fingers. Matt sighed already about to go back and help him, as he finally managed to open it and hunched over trying to get himself to puke. Matt took the in-house phone next to the door and pushed the one.

 

Tai froze, as Matt started talking. It took him a moment to put one and one together, as he kept listening to the one half of the conversation he could hear.  
“Yes.”  
“He’ll be fine.”  
“No, he doesn’t need an ambulance.” Matt grinded his teeth, if it hadn’t been for his ribs maybe even Matt would have agree that that was the best option.  
“I’m ok.”  
“Are you fucking kidding me? I’m not a psycho…” Matt’s face turned a hint of red. And the anger from his voice turned cold, as whoever was at the other end, talked for a while. The reaction narrowed down the possible people on the other end of that line immensely.  
“Yeah” Matt answered grinding his teeth.  
“The tape lasts half an hour. Take the stage or let Reiki do it, my setup is simple enough.”  
“Fine.” Matt frowned.  
“I’ll call… yeah… got it.”  
Tai figured it must have been Eimi, but he wasn’t going to ask… Instead he just stared at Matt, when he turned back to him again. Tai smiled obliviously, the dizziness still made him feel somewhat silly. He still held the empty bag in front of him.  
  
Matt didn’t look amused… very much the opposite. He stomped back over and Tai was too dumbfounded to react as Matt grabbed him by the hair and pushed a finger down his throat immediately triggering the gag reflex. Tai would have been furious, if he wouldn’t have been busy emptying the few contents of his stomach into the bag.  
Matt’s grip in Tai’s hair softened, as soon as the puking started. And the hand started to gently stroke down to his neck. The other hand had been drawn back from the splash zone. “Fucking idiot” He heard Matt mutter with heavy relieve, as Tai finally stopped regurgitating.  
“I love you too”, the brunette joked his tongue loosened by his exhaustion. He coughed a few more times trying to spit out the sourly taste, but there was no getting rid of that this easily.  He still felt dizzy, but his stomach was a lot better already. He was relieved and happy, finding a second to enjoy the gentle touch at his back. Matt stared at him blankly, because that was not a kind of joke Tai had ever made. He decided no answer was the best and went over to the small sink in the counter, to wash his hand. “Try to drink more water… we need to dilute what’s already in your system”, Matt said coldly, not admitting how glad he was, that this seemed to work. He had read up on a thing or two about first aid and medical care, because of how he spent his free time. It had proven helpful more than once, even though he mostly used it to avoid having to see a professional himself.  
 Tai picked up the water bottle Matt had brought him, and sipped reluctantly. It was not exactly his first instinct to drink, after throwing up, but he was in no position to object. He trusted Matt’s judgement more than his own right now, so he slowly emptied the bottle and let himself sink back into the couch, putting the bag aside, closed but upright against the side.

  
Matt just leaned against the counter on the back wall, near the door and watched as quite a bit of time passed. He was relieved, but that was not enough to cover the fear and the anger dwelling inside of him. He was just trying to calm down and refocus.  
Tai turned his head to look at the blond, as his mind gradually got clearer. The sight was almost intimidating, the dark makeup around Matt’s eyes made him look even angrier than usual. Tai didn’t care though, he would never be afraid of his friend, he knew him too well. “I should probably tell you something, before I’m in a punchable condition again”, Tai said looking at him from that weird sideway angle. His voice still sounded rough and the light headedness obviously made this conversation easier than it should have been… at least for the moment. Matt tensed, his jaws were locked tight on themselves but there was a distinct insecurity in his eyes. It almost looked out of place. “Get talking already”, Matt bit out, trying to sound less anxious and more annoyed. He wasn’t sure how well that worked out, but at least it made Tai stop the staring.  
Tai turned back, fixing his eyes to the ceiling. He sighed deeply, obviously stalling. “Joe knows.” He expected Matt to explode then and there, but instead there was silence. Tai didn’t dare to face his friend again yet, so he kept talking after a moment. “I didn’t tell him. He saw my back and…”  
“Your back?” Matt commented, his voice cold and strained.  
“You clawed me up the other day… Before the round two in the living room. I had forgotten…  but… yeah…”  
Matt’s face was taken over by a mix of anger and utter confusion. “I don’t even remember.” He mumbled more to himself, obviously roaming his head for memories that should have been there. He had not been that wasted… Why didn’t he remember? They had had sex after that, how could he have missed it, if it was obvious enough for Joe to see. Had he even seen Tai’s back after that? He started shaking from deep within himself, a fear rising inside of him that made it hard to even breathe.  
“Well you begged me to make you forget.” Tai laughed at his own joke, choking on the sound, as he lowered his gaze to look at his friend.  
  
Matt was hugging himself, hands closed around his upper arms with white knuckles. This was not the time for jokes. “Come here…” Tai offered. He would have loved to get up, but the world was still spinning a little. Matt didn’t move though. Tai hesitated for a moment, but decided to keep going, not able to keep things secret after today.  
“Kari knows, too”, Tai added, biting his teeth when he saw all that fear Matt was fighting against. “I had to tell her, or TK would have, eventually.” He didn’t add the fact, that those two had a fair share of relationship-status-complicated, not yet anyway. Matt had moved on to holding tight on the counter behind him. Tai practically saw the anxiety shake Matt to the core. He fought himself up from the couch, moving over to his friend on shaky legs. “I’m sorry.” He said. He gently put a hand on Matt’s shoulder as he reached him, but the older just shook it off. “This is a mistake…” Matt muttered, moving away from Tai.  
He was shaking violently, hardly keeping himself upright. “This is all a big fucking mistake… fucking shit”, Matt threw his hand back against the furniture and the wooden door made a loud crack, as it gave in on the impact. There was blood on the splinters. Tai’s mind was blank for a few seconds, as the world seemed to freeze around him.  
Matt knocked into his shoulder, in an attempt to leave, his own legs shaking. It brought the brunette enough out of balance, to snap him out of it and grab the other’s wrist. Matt tried to pull himself free, but only made Tai stumble closer. Which made both of them fall against the back of a couch. Somehow they still kept each other upright.  
  
“I won’t let you leave like that”, Tai said. His grip was harsh even if the rest of him barely held any resistance.  Matt turned to face him, his fists clenching. “Let go.” Matt said but his voice was barely more than a whisper… cold and shaky. His eyes were filled with tears.  Tai put his free hand on the side of Matt’s head; his fingers tangling in his now messed up hair. He leaned in meeting the hollow stare those blue eyes were giving him. “I won’t.” Tai said. Holding onto Matt was the only thing keeping him from collapsing. His throat was burning and his legs felt like pudding, but somehow they still supported him.  
“I’ll hurt you”, Matt choked out closing his eyes; maybe it was supposed to sound like a thread at first but failed. “And then I’ll lose you again. I can’t stand it, Tai.” Matt started crying, struggling against Tai’s grip. His makeup was spreading down his cheeks in wet lines. “I’m not going anywhere.” Tai said, not entirely getting what Matt meant. “It haunts me!” Matt pleaded. His eyes were fixed at Tai’s; full of sorrow and a pain that Tai couldn’t even imagine. Maybe if he had been sober, if his world wouldn’t still be spinning. “That day still keeps me awake at night… The thought, that you would just throw your life away like that.” Tai stiffened, not realizing how his fingers started digging into Matt’s hair as he tensed. “It was you and Meiko or me…” “And everyone knew who would have been worth…”  
  
A loud smack filled the room, silencing Matt.  
Tai’s look was hard, as he drew both his hands back from Matt’s head. Matt’s cheek started turning red, there was a split in his lip that filled with a hint of blood. Tears were running down Matt’s face, as he stood frozen in place. Tai felt his hand throbbing lightly with the aftershock.  
  
 “Why do you keep coming back?” Matt sobbed, after the seconds of utter silence were over.  
Tai didn’t know what to say.  
“I just want to stop caring! I can’t take it anymore. I mess everything up. I’m losing everyone…” Tai stared at his shaking friend and his head hurt trying to understand him, trying to make sense of everything. Sora would have… His head just was too slow for this talk… It took him far too long to make sense of it.  
“Because of you”, Tai finally answered the question, silencing Matt’s muttering.  
Empty blue eyes stared at him. Tai pulled Matt closer, both hands at the base of his head, back where they could dig themselves into the rough blond hair Tai loved so much. “I…” His voice shook for a moment, he swallowed and started again. ”I love you. And I don’t want you to hurt like that anymore. I want you to be yourself again… The Yamato that doesn’t take shit from me or anyone… that makes me question my decisions before I’m stupid enough to go through with them. I want you to care Matt… about yourself and about me… about this life. The only thing really hurting me is seeing you like this.”  
  
There it was: The confession ten years in the making;  
The no longer unspoken truth that made them both cry as they slowly sank to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me this doesn't feel OOC, because it would break my heart.
> 
> And I'd love to hear what you think about Momo and Eimi.  
> I will keep OCs to a minimum, but there will be a few of them to fill the settings I need. And Matt's workplace was obviously one I knew I would need.  
> It will not be the last time you hear about those two.  
> Especially Eimi.  
> I figured that, because aside from Kari, most of the female character's are pretty secondary to this story it would be nice to add some more of those. I'm thinking about how to work Sora in too, but since she's in the US for now, that's difficult. 
> 
> Next chapter is a little lighter on the feels, I promise.


	9. Latenight snack

Now Matt felt like throwing up. He was exhausted. His head was spinning, as Tai held him close but unmoving. The words filled the room even after it was silent again and the tears wouldn’t stop either. Matt was hurting. His chest felt like it was aflame but he felt so light… like he would just drift of and fly away if Tai were to let go. He didn’t want to understand. He didn’t want to acknowledge how good this felt… how good it felt to finally know what had always been between them, that strange tension that had always added an edge to their interactions.

 

He let his head drop against Tai’s chest.  
Shouldn’t he be angry? Feel used? Tai had not been honest… Tai had cheated his was into Matt’s bed. Even as Matt tried to at least wake a hint of anger, he couldn’t get himself to. There were too many emotions to decide on anything to put into words. He leaned against the brunette, as if the emotions could just wash him away. Tai wasn’t any calmer. Matt felt his chest heave, while tears fell down onto his hair.  
And yet this felt right. Tai’s trembling fingers in his hair, his breath on his skin… it wasn’t sexual for once. It was just calming. It made him feel like he belonged right here. And it helped him ground himself, even before Tai did. Matt just snuggled into their weird embrace, pushing Tai to lean against the back of the couch. He didn’t want to look at him yet. He didn’t want to move, because he was scared for this little fragile moment of peace and warmth to end.  
And he was sure it would end, once he had to face the question in Tai’s eyes… the pain for making him wait for an answer Matt himself didn’t have yet.

He was unable to sort out his own feelings.

 

“I’ve waited far too long to tell you”, Tai mumbled, his fingers slowly stroking down Matt’s neck. Matt let him, tensing up for just a second. He also just let Tai go on, as he pressed soft kisses onto the blond hair and his hand moved down onto his sides to push him back just a little.  
Matt kept his head low as Tai separated and gently picked up Matt’s hands, inspecting the small cuts the splinters had left. “I want us to work this out.” Tai kept talking slowly, as he picked a few pieces of wood from his friend’s palms. It wasn’t too bad, Matt didn’t even feel it and yet he started tearing up again. “I want us to make this work somehow… As in… for the future... I just want to know I can have you with me. I’m… You don’t need to stop seeing others, if you don’t want to…”  
Matt’s heart dropped.  “I…”  
One of Tai’s hands was raised, gentle fingers brushing over Matt’s stained cheek, leaving a mark in the spread out eyeshadow. The words were stuck in his throat. He concentrated on breathing, taking in Tai’s warm smell, slightly disturbed by the odor of barf and alcohol lingering in the room. He didn’t care though. “I want you with me”, he breathed out, because the words he wanted to say, still felt too wrong… too heavy on his tongue, after he had promised them to one of his closest friends once before. It felt like a lifetime ago now.  
Tai’s hand moved to his chin, gently pushing his head up, to look at him. The brown eyes were shining with the remnants of the tears but there was a calm happiness in them, that Matt simply couldn’t stand facing too long. He closed his eyes sighing deeply.

 

Tai pulled Matt back into a hug. “Let’s get somewhere more comfortable”, he whispered. They moved onto one of the couches without ever fully letting go of each other. Matt laid his head onto Tai’s shoulder, burying his face at his friend’s neck, while the brunette put an arm around his smaller frame. It had been a long time since he had been as comfortable with closeness like this without trying to rationalize it somehow.  
He just wanted to be here and he wanted the moment to last. Tai’s head came to rest on the blond hair, as both of them drifted off into a light sleep.

 

 

 

Eimi really had not planned on checking on the two boys as late as she did. But she simply never got the chance until after the guests were out and the cleaning team at work. She had sent Momoko home after closing the bar. The girl had insistent to help with the couple upstairs after her hours, but Eimi wasn't stupid. She recognized that hurt look in her eyes… broken hearts healed easier when they weren't left to obsess. At least that's what the club manager figured.  
She had the silent steps of a dancer, even as she went up the stairs. The door to one of two small karaoke lounges was still open. She peeked inside, smiling at what she found. Both young men were asleep, leaning into each other in what looked like the aftermath of a mostly peaceful confrontation. Eimi couldn't help but snap a picture of the two sending it off, before silently dealing with the little mess they had caused. The barf bag and the empty bottle were easy enough to clean up… the broken door made her frown, but it could have been worse. She was collecting the splinters with a hand broom, when Matt gasped and nearly jumped from the couch.

“Wha… Eimi-san?” He yelped and freed himself from the brunette’s embrace. Tai grumbled at the loss of support, as it made him shift into lying down sideways. The woman gestured the blond to keep his voice down. “You both ok?” She asked whispering. Matt nodded reluctantly.  
“Sorry about missing my shift… I can take another next week, if…” Eimi waved it off. “I took the stage, but really, I only set up a playlist of your stuff. I don’t want to know how many hours you put into those… and you still mix manually when you’re here. You should probably apologize to Momo-chan though. Both of you.” Matt frowned visibly, but he wouldn't argue. He already felt like he owed his boss quite a bit. His eyes went back to Tai affectionate warmth in them.  
Eimi finished cleaning the floor from splinters and put them into the trash can. She noticed the look on Matt’s face and shook her head smiling. “Now you actually look like the lovesick idiot you are”, Eimi commented, catching Matt’s attention. She pulled a set of keys from her pocket, placing it down on the counter. She didn’t care about his offended, if slightly confused look.  
 “I know you don't have a car”, Eimi said as if that explained anything. Matt was still frowning from her comment, trying far too hard to look like his usual untouchable self. Eimi just chuckled. “I’ll leave you to lock the club, when the cleaning staff is done… do whatever suits you. Just don't mess up the place too much if you stay and be decent when you're still around by the time I'm back.” Eimi smiled sweetly, as she saw the blush on Matt's cheeks. That guy was so Tsundere, it was adorable. She didn’t give him time to object, before she picked up the filled trash bag, patted his shoulder and told him goodbye.  
“Thanks” Matt hurried to get out.  
“Good night.” His boss answered waving back over her shoulder.

 

Matt was left standing there, still feeling emotionally spent and uncomfortable. Eimi liked to do that to him… push him to think about himself on days it seemed safe to do so. He actually liked her, which made being angry about her teasing hard…  
Was it that obvious how he felt about Tai? …Obvious enough for other people to know, before he really figured it out himself? Those were moments he wished to be strong enough to talk to Sora again… to ask her what this meant. But he couldn’t even face asking her how she was doing… and dragging her into this would just be cruel.  
Thinking about Tai's confession brought tears to his eyes. But he didn’t quite know which of his feelings caused them… there were so many: happiness, fear, despair. He went to sit on the second couch, pulling his knees close. His eyes kept coming back to stare at Tai’s sleeping form.

Tai really loved him didn't he? Even after what he did to Sora… there had been a time when Matt had thought the younger might have a crush on his girlfriend at the time. It had made things even worse between them… This actually explained a lot of it. How had he been so blind? How long had this lasted for Tai? It must have been painful…

 

Matt’s gaze grew sad.

They had always been around one another… so close and yet so far. Matt hadn't admitted to himself he was into men until he had been too drunk to care who he had in his bed. He hadn't even suspected it until the relationship with Sora went stale, long before she asked him to marry. Had she even asked because she wanted to? Matt shook his head… of course she had wanted it… still he had the feeling a part of her had asked him so soon, because she had wanted to push him into the right direction. He sighed. Sora was an unreadable mystery to him, even after spending all that time together.

How long would it take him to finally accept he loved Tai back? The question itself felt strange to think about. Didn’t it mean he already did? Why were feelings like this? Did he love Tai?  
How long had that feeling been there…?

He couldn’t help but think back to a very particular day, he never really came to forget despite the years...the decade passing since then. The lake. He still remembered Cherrymon’s words. It showed what was inside your heart… and yes, back then Matt had been furious and hurt and had come to believe that seeing Tai’s face might have meant that he was the reason for all of it, his rival. Looking back at it, it could have meant so much more than that. He had been a stupid little kid back then, but was he really any better now? Would they ever be any better?

The thought made his head hurt. He lay down staring at the ceiling.

Gabumon had always been the one to put him back together, when the world fell apart before his eyes. Had Gabumon known? Was that something Digimon could sense, like they seemed to do their other emotions? The memories hurt less than they did this morning, but they still made him cry himself to exhaustion. Making him curl up into himself and drift off into a deep and dreamless sleep.

 

In the end, it was Tai, who woke up a few hours later, confused and disoriented and in need of a bathroom, quickly. He stumbled down the stairs. There probably was a bathroom upstairs but he had no times to search for it now. When he got down, it was obvious the club was empty… not even just closed, but fully devoid of people. Not even Eimi was still around, and he knew she had a habit of staying a while, before locking the place. He had come here just a little too late more than once in hope of catching Matt before he could get home with someone else. After that had happened a few times she had invited him to talk.  
It seemed like she always had something to do here. He admired her for having found something she loved doing… he didn’t care too much that it was taking care of a nightclub. Not everyone needed to aim to change the world. Not everyone was destined to.  
  
Matt woke, when he heard the hasty steps. He had never been a deep sleeper. Seeing the empty couch across the room made him more nervous than he thought possible. Mumbling curses he got up, grabbed the key from the counter and followed Taichi down the stairs.  
He heard him in the bathroom, a slither of light shining into the hall from below the door. Other than that, there were only the emergency lights showing the arrows pointing to the nearest exit. The club was almost creepy, when it was dark and silent like this. Putting the thought aside, Matt opened the door. Tai stood at one of the urinals. “Oi”, Matt announced himself. “Sorry”, Tai muttered, still not quite awake.

Matt went to face the opposite wall, looking at Tai’s back through the mirror, while roughly cleaning the ruined makeup from his face. It had looked good, back when Sora had done it for him… now it really only solved its purpose. “You feel better?” Matt asked. Tai nodded zipping himself up again and joining Matt at the sinks. “And you?” He returned the question, their eyes meeting through the mirror. They both looked like shit.  
Matt sighed.  
“I… I don’t have the answer you deserve to hear”, he said lowering his head. Tai swallowed down a lump building in his throat and went on washing his hands, while Matt used getting the color off his hair as an excuse not to look at him. The water turned blue, as it washed down the sink.

“I didn’t really expect one” He finally said, finding the right words was fucking hard. Of course it hurt him… but he also understood. Things between them were not that easy. They would probably never be. “My life’s not been on pause… I’ve not been heartbroken and waiting for you all those years... “ Was this stupid? Tai asked himself a little too late. “But I knew I wanted us to be more than friends since… Well… at least Christmas that year, Sora confessed to you.” Tai smiled. “I was happy for you; don’t get me wrong… so I tried to move on.” Tai lowered his eyes to stare into the sink in front of him. There was no need to say that that had not worked too well. His lingering feelings for Matt had determined the one longtime relationship he had had with a boy and looking back at it, he had been so blind… The guy had pretty much been a stand in. No wonder he had thought about Matt, when they had come to having sex. It didn’t quite excuse expressing it out loud. Matt was prettier anyway… Tai caught himself thinking, and smiling at his own mind.

 

“Yeah, sometimes you really have me wondering which one of us is the bigger idiot”, Matt said. And the smile Tai caught a look of then made his heart skip a beat.  
That.  
That was the Matt he wanted back so badly. He didn’t keep himself back when the urge to kiss his friend overcame him. Matt stiffened at first, but his lips parted, as Tai’s own met them. It wasn’t long, but it felt intense simply because it was very different from the kisses they had shared up to this day.

Matt’s cheeks wore a beautiful blush, when Tai let go of his face. “Sorry”, he said, blushing himself… while grinning all too pleased. There was a gentle moment of silence as they just looked at each other.  
“So…” Matt cleared his throat. He pulled a set of keys from his pocket and held it up between them. “Eimi left the place to us for the night.” He explained, lowering his hand again. “And there probably won’t be any trains home for a few hours.”

That’s the utterly embarrassing moment Tai’s stomach picked to announce his emptiness. And made Matt burst into heartfelt laughter.  
“You’re worse than Agumon”, Matt coughed out, as he started moving. Tai almost stumbled over his own feet, questioning if he heard that right for a very long moment; Too long, to comment on it anymore, as they already were halfway to the staff kitchen behind the bar.

 

 

„Will tonight change anything?” Tai asked after watching the blonde’s doings for a while. Matt had turned on the lights and fetched a few things… a pan, a pack of eggs, precut onions, a bag of frozen… something. He was working at one of the stoves, while Tai could only stand near the door to avoid getting in his way. Matt’s heart still felt light, and he would have been content to just go with that feeling for now, but obviously Tai’s mood wasn’t as upbeat. He didn’t need to fall into the pit again, though, he tried to convince himself.  
“Do you want it to?” He simply asked back, because there was no right answer. He was not the only one deciding. They were both in this together… that was kind of the point…  
“Yes… No… Both?” Tai answered, his face furrowed in mixed emotions.  
“It doesn’t have to… but it could… I won’t stop you from trying to change things, but I know I will have worse days than this… And you won’t like them… If you don’t want to stick around through those, I get that.” Had Matt ever been this clear about his emotions with Tai? Judging by Tai’s expression, he hadn’t. To be fair, there were only a few days he actually was this honest with himself. But the confession seemed to have lifted a giant weight off his shoulders for now. He left Tai to think, while he kept his hand busy with the food.

  
“I would like to tell the others.” Tai said suddenly.  
Matt stiffened. That was not what he had thought about. In his head it had been the two of them against the world now… but he was an idiot for not realizing, that that wasn’t it for Tai. He still had friends outside of this… their old friends…  
“Eimi knows, Momo knows… Probably most of the staff here. TK, Kari and Joe…  When I told Kari how long this has been going she was hurt. She didn’t say it, but even my dense head got it. Joe was too, I think…” He only figured that last one out as he was talking just now.   
“And what would you tell them? What exactly is this now?” Matt’s voice grew sharp again, even though he was fighting against himself, to keep the lightheartedness for just another moment. He didn’t want to be angry right now, he just couldn’t help it. Thinking about this made him insecure, frightened even… He turned his focus on the egg, he had frying in the pan.  
“I don’t know. But it’s something, isn’t it. What do you want it to be?” Now it was Tai turning Matt’s own strategy against him; probably without realizing it, too… Matt couldn’t even stay mad at that. He just sighed defeated.  
“I just can’t deal with them yet”, he said, “tell them whatever…”  
Tai closed his eyes letting his head fall back against the wall, he was leaning on. Well, it was an improvement, wasn’t it? Better than nothing. Taking baby steps. He could do that… he had lasted this long, he would make it through one step at a time.  
“Kari wanted to plan a meet-up next time Sora and Mimi are back. It’ll probably be around Christmas… maybe New Year’s…”  Tai continued.  
“Don’t count on me…” Matt just said killing that topic before it really started. The thought of meeting Sora was… weird. Not unbearable anymore, but he had no clue how to face her. Even Tai wasn’t dense enough to push the subject further.

  
“TK and Kari finally got at it” He said, as silence threatened to take over… He didn’t even think he’d get a reaction, but it turns out, he hit a nerve.  
“What?” Matt turned at him again. “You are joking?”  
“No. I guess I won that bet” Tai said smirking, knowing Matt would remember. He wasn’t someone to forget a thing like that easily... promises, bets, threats. Matt frowned. “I don’t believe you until I see it” He said, already turning back.  
“Pervert” Tai answered making the blond blush and hard focus on his pan again. After a moment Matt was smiling again though. A little stunned, but he was eager to get back to that light mood and Tai was all too pleased he managed to get there.  
 Matt made the finishing touches on their little nighttime snack and they went to eat it sitting at the bar. He got Tai a soft drink, and himself a light cocktail. He wouldn’t allow Tai to get anything spirited yet, but he felt like he could need it, if their little game of mood switch kept going.  
  
“Now… what heart-wrenching topic do you have next? Want to introduce me to your secret lovechild, or something?” Matt joked, making Tai choke on his drink.  
“What the hell?” Tai answered look seriously worried, as he eyed Matt from the side.  
“You’ve been the one fucking around… Are you sure, I’m the one to expect something like that from?” Tai’s words didn’t aim to offend, but he realized too late how they very easily might do so. To his relief, Matt laughed it off though.  
“Fair enough… but no. I’ve actually not been with a girl since Sora”, he said, “not in a way that would get them pregnant anyway.” Tai had not been prepared to get an actual answer, but as he did, he was ready to roll with it. This talk was long overdue.  
“Do you even like women?” Tai asked and finally started eating, as Matt turned his glass in his hands for a few moments, before answering.  
“I don’t think so.” Matt said after a moment. This talked didn’t feel as weird, as he would have expected. “I’m not sure… Do you? How do you know?”  
“I do… I just tend to like men better, I think. But maybe it’s just you… I mostly had girlfriends though, because…” No, Tai was not going to tell that story yet, preferably never. “It’s just easier, you know.”  
Matt laughed. “Yeah… I figured that out actually…”  
“Sorry”, Tai said.  
“Don’t be… if anything, I should say I’m sorry. And I am… Just maybe not the way I feel I should be? I never wanted to hurt Sora.”  
“She knows.” Tai said putting a calming had on Matt’s shoulder, as he started stiffening again.  
“Yeah, that makes it worse.” Matt explained sighing, before he resumed eating his considerably smaller portion of their dish. He watched Tai, as he ate slowly for once. The silence felt wrong and even Matt noticed…  
  
“What did they say? Kari? And Joe?” He fumbled with the hem of his facemask. His fear of how people might start seeing him differently was one of the big reasons he had cut almost every contact he had before.  
“They don’t really care… I mean… they do, they worry, not only for me, but for you too. You’re still a friend to them.” Tai told, looking into an unknown distance somewhere beyond the bar.  “Kari told me she was glad I was happy. TK told me, he was glad I was there for you… And Joe…”  
“So TK was there too…” Matt pointed out without any bite behind it. Tai still clenched his teeth for not watching his mouth closer. Matt wouldn’t let something like that slip.  
“Yeah, they were at our parent’s and… Sorry. I also got your spare keys.”  
Matt just shook his head, before dropping it onto the bar.  
“Taichi Yagami, you’re an incurable idiot.”  
“Yeah… I love you, too, Yamato.” Tai just answered, smiling contently as leaned down, gently pressing a kiss onto Matt’s hair. It was still damp from washing out the blue strands and smelled like the vapor from the smoke machine.  
  
They actually remembered to lock up the entrances after finishing their late meal together. They shut off everything they had needed downstairs again and moved back up, into their little private karaoke chamber, actually closing the door this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much to say to this one.  
> It was nice to write them in a good mood for once ^^ Next chapter "Change" probably comming sometime next week...


	10. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A good friend of mine drew Matt in his DJ-Goryo get up at my request ;3 Go take a look and please consider leaving a comment for her, if you can.  
> [Deviantart](https://www.deviantart.com/blackshadowx15/art/DJ-Matt-777462247)

“So how did we get from you, pushing a finger down my throat to this?” Tai asked settling down onto one of the couches.  
“Beat’s me. Some idiot wanted to pour his heart out… I guess that’s what happens”, he plumbed down besides Tai ungraciously and just leaned in. Tai instinctively put his arm around the smaller form. Matt muffled a yawn against Tai’s chest.  
  
“I’m not actually tired”, the brunette sighed making Matt glance up at him with what might have been a hint of annoyance. “We could see if we can get that karaoke thing started…” “No, thanks, I wanted to keep my ears for a few more years”, Matt cut him off reluctantly sitting up in Tai’s arm. He would have been asleep in minutes otherwise. Tai smiled at him from the side.  
“You could sing me to sleep.” He proposed smiling wide at the thought.  
“You would like that, wouldn’t you…” Matt muttered frowning. “Fucking romantic.” He growled without heat behind it. Tai leaned in kissing the corner of Matt’s mouth. “Think of something better, if you want to keep me awake”, Matt said turning to face the brunette. A devilish thought shot through his mind. He rolled his shoulders and turned to lie on his back, his head placed in Tai’s lab. Tai wanted to lean down, to place a kiss on that smug smile, when a stinging pain reminded him, that his ribs didn’t like bending all that much, now that the painkillers were out of his system.  
Matt didn’t budge though. Moving his head a little, as if that would make Tai’s muscular legs a softer pillow. He shot Tai a challenging gaze, before he closed his eyes. He was exhausted enough to actually fall asleep soon, if Tai would let him and Tai didn’t question that that was a very real threat. His hand gently stroked Matt’s cheek, moving up to comb through the drying hair. Matt looked happy, almost peaceful. Maybe he should just let him sleep, if he didn’t think too hard about where Matt was lying, his crotch wouldn’t even react. His hesitation lasted long enough to make deciding obsolete anyway.  
It was frustrating to not be able, to just lean down and kiss Matt’s features, as they started to relax, but Tai kept himself content watching him, letting his hand slip through the rough hair, and letting his thoughts revise the night. There was a lot to think about; A lot of firsts; A lot of stuff, that wasn’t done with just today. But this was a great first step into a hopeful future.  
And maybe Kari wasn’t wrong, even while he knew things wouldn’t just start being easier, he was happy. How did his sister always do this?

He sat there, contently looking down at Matt’s peaceful face for a while.  
It reminded him of how much older Matt usually looked. Like this, he wasn’t all that different from when they were teens.  
  
Tai’s phone chimed silently in his pocket, and for a second he stiffened, afraid it might wake Matt. As his friend didn’t move he forced himself to relax. After taking a deep breath he fumbled the phone out of his pants and looked at the screen. The Kanji read: Motomiya Daisuke. That was a very odd hour to call even for that guy. The phone was still vibrating in his hand, he could just ignore it, then again, “Davis” was like the little brother he never had. He looked down at Matt for another second.  
Daisuke wouldn’t disturb him if it wasn’t urgent; he decided and took the call, keeping his voice down, as he answered.  
  
“What’s up?” He asked, keeping his eyes on Matt’s face. As long, as his featured stayed relaxed like that, Tai should be fine.  
“Taichi, my head’s exploding”, Came a slurred voice from the other side. Right… Daisuke was legal drinking age for a solid year now, not that it really changed anything, Matt's alcohol problem had started before he had turned twenty and they had shared their first beer when they were 17 not long after their last battle, nobody really cared. Tai sighed silently. Why did every problem he got called for always involve alcohol? Was he like the only one, that didn’t default to drinking to get over his troubles? He also turned the volume of his phone down, because Davis was not using his indoor voice.  
“Stop drinking and get some fresh air, morron” He said. There was a dull flop, as the younger kept mourning into the call. Tai was trying hard to stay calm and relaxed. Because he still needed to keep his voice down and his legs cushy. “Get talking, Daisuke, I can’t read your mind.”  
“TK ruined everything!” The drunk groaned and Tai took a deep breath as Matt shifted in his lap. He tried to focus. Right… TK and Kari were meeting the others. So the cat was out of the bag. Daisuke always had had a thing for Kari… Tai sighed. Did he really have to deal with this right now.  
“Don’t blame him. Kari blew you how many times now? Just get over it…” He said. He had never encouraged Daisuke to keep bothering his sister, but he hadn’t actively stopped him either. Kari never seemed to mind and honestly, it was between them.  
“Right… It’s Kari’s fault. She ruined it. Why does she hate me like this?” How drunk was that guy? Even if they shared the crest of courage, he must have utterly fried his brain to have the nerve of talking about his sister like that. Tai’s grip around his phone tightened. “Keep yourself together, Daisuke” He warned.  
“I had everything planed out, ok? I was gonna tell him and then… I don’t know… but fucking Kari… why does she even need both of them… like some kind of s…”  
“Watch your mouth”, Tai growled his brows furrowed in restricted anger. Matt tensed and turned in his lap. Tai swallowed, as his breath started to warm his crotch through the fabric of his jeans. He forced himself to breathe calmly and not think about Matt, as his blood started to collect in very inconvenient areas.  
He realized Daisuke had gone on groaning, like a dying mule, not actually forming any coherent words, let alone sentences. “Now, who’s this about?” Tai asked through his teeth; which he was clenching hard, partly because he was angry, but mostly because of the bulge forming in his pants despite it. Matt had really fucked him up when it came to feelings associated with sex. People usually didn’t get aroused when they were angry, did they? Then again make up sex was a thing. He tried to focus on the phone. While Daisuke had never given the impression of being anything but straight, Tai had heard the underlying confession, even with the distraction in his lap.  
He wouldn’t get an answer though; instead, after another episode of uncoherent groaning, he heard Miyako’s voice in the background, calling out to the drunken mess of a man, and under heavy verbal protest of its owner, she took the phone from Daisuke’s hand.  
It took another moment, most likely for her to assess the situation. She cleared her throat, but her voice still sounded hoarse. “Sorry, Taichi-niisan, I’ll take care of the idiot.”  
“Sure… good luck.” Tai just said sighing.  
“Good night.”  
“Take care.”   
  
It looked like the younger generation had had an equally messy night. He could just wish that it wasn’t as bad for Kari… She had her… boyfriends? Or whatever they were. He wasn’t in a condition to figure that out right now. He let his head fall back to lie on the backrest. Matt’s sleepy breath was driving him mad. He tried to close his eyes and breathe through it, but as Matt tensed in his sleep and shifted once again, he literally snuggled against the bulge only contained by the fabric of Tai’s pants. Tai gasped. It took all his self-control not to budge his hips. Matt was a little restless, or at least that’s what Tai thought until one of his little hushed gasps had Matt chuckling.  
“You’re the worst”, Tai groaned without looking down at the blond.  
“Isn’t that why you love me?” Matt said smugly, now more broadly moving so his hands could ease the strain on Tai’s pants a little by opening button and zipper of his jeans. The slim fingers teased with light touches on his shorts as Tai breathed deep and relieved.  
“Now, what got you so wound up?” Matt asked, as he lifted himself, just to place himself legs spread seated on Tai’s lap. Tai couldn’t help but raise his head to look at the blond again. Matt was wearing tight black jeans that were torn above his knees. The pants didn’t leave much room for anything.  
“Daisuke”, Tai answered.  
“Should I be jealous?” Matt asked leaning in to nip on Tai’s lip before catching his mouth in a possessive kiss. Tai never quite noticed, but that was a thing right? Matt got jealous so easily, it was a little ridiculous considering his own promiscuity.  
“You might… As it turns out he’s either into TK or into Ken.”  
Matt laughed dryly. But there was a heat in his gaze… and something else. Tai wasn’t sure, but he smiled smugly anyway as he addressed that little fearful question, he thought he was seeing. “I never fucked with any of our friends. I didn’t know Davis might swing that way until just now.”  
Matt mumbled something that Tai couldn’t make out, and then Matt’s lips were on his again, heated and somewhat angry… or was he just eager? It was hard to distinguish.  
  
Matt pressed himself against Tai, and the younger steadied the blond, putting his hands at his hips, pushing his shirt up in the process. It also gave him a little control of how much pressure Matt could cause on his torso, because by now the pain medication had stopped silencing the warm pain, lightly pulsing from his ribs. It was bearable though… Matt managed to be a pretty good distraction.  
“So you get to be jealous and I’m just forced to look at the marks others left on you.” Tai whispered, as Matt let him breathe for a moment again. He dragged on of his thumbs across a dark line on Matt’s belly. Matt’s eyes were predatory.  
“You said you wouldn’t ask for it…” Matt huffed, leaning back to eye Tai with that serious look. Tai let his hands slide up the lean body in front of him, drawing lines over the healing bruises and teasing circles around the perky nipples, as he went higher, pulling the shirt up. He encompassed the other’s neck for a moment, before digging his hands into the blond hair in the back, pulling Matt closer again in the proces. The shirt slowly settled back down.  
“So… you WANT me to ask for it”, Tai’s eyes sparkled, as he saw Matt’s gaze on him. There was no clear answer to his question, just that look fixed on him, capturing his eyes, even as he pulled Matt into another kiss.  
“If you don't, I won’t” Tai whispered softly into Matt’s ear after separating once more. It lit Matt on fire, because it almost felt like a thread, and he had no clue if Tai intended that or not. Matt wouldn’t be the one to ask… it would be ridiculous, after how he had handled things in the past. But that meant as long as Tai didn’t… there would always be that fuse inside of him. Jealousy. Insecurity.  
They were not exclusive. If Tai decided to fuck someone else it wouldn’t really be cheating but it would still hurt that way. How much of that did Tai actually understand? Was this a game to him? Was he just trying to be a good friend… Did he like Matt’s possessiveness? Or was it a scheme. Did he just want to keep fucking with him…  
“Don’t break your head”, Tai laughed, as Matt was just short of steaming out of his ears. There was no reading Tai’s expression. There was a little amusement there, and a lot of need.  
“Just get at it then” Matt muttered.  
“We don’t have lube” Tai was looking up into the blue eyes, as they rolled in annoyance.  
“There are other ways” Matt challenged. He was well aware of how much Tai disliked the thought of actually returning the favor of a blowjob… As far as Matt knew, he had never done it, which made the thought, of getting him to finally do so all that sweeter.  
  
Matt slipped from Tai’s hands and down between his legs in a surprisingly elegant maneuver. Tai shivered, conflicted about the situation, but unable to really act on it, as Matt bared his lower half, his pants collecting around his ankles. Before he could decide let alone stop him, Matt’s mouth was around his cock, licking circles around the top and slowly taking him in deeper.  
Tai let his head fall back, as Matt got to work. Fuck. … He was fucked. It was all he could really think of. How was he going to repay him? He would not let Matt sit there with a hard on, after this. He knew Matt had him now… It was his fear or his ideals…  
Matt had always been the smarter one in so many ways. Tai had some tactical talent, but when it came to emotional… urg… Tai’s thoughts drifted out of his grasp, as he started moaning, idly meeting Matt’s movement with little thrusts. It felt too good. One of his hands buried in Matt’s hair, gripping a little harder than he would have wanted, but Matt just kept going. His experience showed. Tai knew that there should be a reflex to gag, but Matt seemed to be able to just switch it off, and take Tai’s length down his throat. Every sound from Matt vibrated through Tai’s erection straight up his body. A low growl from Matt finally pushed him over the edge. His hand anchoring the blond head in place, as he came pulsing in Matt’s throat. Matt calmly tapped Tai’s leg reminding him, he actually needed air from time to time and Tai just let go and muttered an incomprehensible apology.    
As soon as the euphoria ebbed off, dread started to rise in Tai’s stomach. Matt was idly leaning on Tai’s legs, smiling up at the brunette.  
“Now… what is it?” The blond asked, once he saw his friend’s eyes looking clear again. His own cock was throbbing painfully against the slim-fit pants. They really weren’t made for this, but Matt enjoyed the sensation. There was something satisfying in being restrained, even just like this… it made things more intense.  There was still fear in Tai’s eyes but also that wild determination, which had always made him the perfect leader. He picked Matt up far too easily, switching their positions and started fidgeting with his jeans.  
Matt gave him a throaty chuckle, as he helped him open the button and assisted the removal of his clothes, by raising his hips.

There was a moment of hesitation, before Tai leaned down to lick the tip of Matt’s erection. He couldn’t help the nervousness, as he felt Matt’s eyes lingering on him. He didn’t really know what he was doing. He gazed upwards, to meet Matt’s eyes. There was still that mischievous smile on his lips and it seriously made Tai angry. It almost felt like all he managed was to humor his friend. He was drooling all over, as he tried to mirror, what Matt had done. He couldn’t really find a rhythm as he tried to focus… he felt pathetic. He swallowed pulling back for a moment.  
“You’re shit at this” Matt stated, rubbing salt into the wound. Tai growled, almost getting back at it, without noticing what Matt was doing to him… Almost.  He dropped back to sit on his feet, an angry and somewhat pained expression fixed on Matt.  
“This won’t work now, Matt”, Tai said as calm as he could, it still came out like a bark. Matt frowned, dropping back into the comfort of the couch.    
“Fine… more talking then”, Matt spit back, their eyes fixed at each other. “How is this supposed to work? Pain turns me on, I want it… Are you just going to deny it? Because I know where to find people who won’t. Where’s the line, Tai? ”  
Tai clenched his teeth, pulling his shorts back up, as he rose. Matt saw the wrath in his friend’s eyes, hot and intimidating. It sent a shiver down his spine. Tai kicked off his shoes and with them his jeans. Matt felt like someone staring into the headlights of a truck that was about to hit him. He couldn’t move, but Tai’s hands did, moving up, to touch Matt’s face.  
One of Tai’s thumbs slowly caressed his lips, before pushing into his mouth, while the other grabbed Matt’s mask and pulled it up, just to stuff it between Matt’s parted lips. He couldn’t read Tai’s expression… he just stared back and let things happen. Excitement and fear made his hair stand. One of Tai’s hands was on his throat now.  
“Is this what you want…” Tai asked his voice full of burning heat. Matt couldn’t exactly answer, but his eyes seemed to convey his feelings good enough. Tai sighed, a hint of sadness sinking into his gaze, but he kept his grip firm, not actually cutting off Matt’s air, but the threat of it alone was enough to keep the blond on edge.

  
Tai held Matt’s gaze, as the hand from his face left, two fingers finding their way into Tai’s own mouth. Matt felt his own heart pound against his chest. He couldn’t even get himself to blink, too scared to miss any of the intoxicating sight. Tai’s hand left his field of vision, but he couldn’t stop drowning in those brown eyes and the conflict burning behind them.  
A wet finger pressed against his hole and made him gasp into the mask in his mouth.  
“I don’t even know what makes me feel worse” Tai said, his voice calm and cold, almost distant. The finger pressed in anyway, giving Matt exactly what he wanted. Spit was not lube. Matt was too used to taking things up in his ass though… one digit barely burned. His dick twitched on his stomach anyway. Tai kept moving his hands without a lot of passion. Soon enough, he added he second digit.  
The room stayed silent. Tai’s judging eyes stayed on Matt, as e slowly started to squirm on Tai’s fingers.  
“I love you” The brunette said, but it wasn’t warm… it felt more like an excuse. Like a pledge. Just before the hand on Matt’s throat squeezed a little. Matt’s vision blurred, so he closed his eyes, as he moaned breathlessly into the makeshift gag. He didn’t really feel the tears falling onto his chest. They weren’t his.  
It was just a lucky stroke of Tai’s fingers, which made the blonde finally thrust upwards and unload onto his own stomach. Tai slowed down, staying with him, until Matt went limb again. The hands left his body… Tai’s warmth seemed to leave him altogether.  
Matt’s eyes flew open again, looking at Tai’s back, as the brunette went to lie down onto the free couch, his back turned towards his friend. And just then Matt realized that he may have gone too far… again. He pulled the facemask off and threw it into the corner.  
After all that had happened tonight, he still didn’t know better.  
He still acted on instinct.  
He curled up where he sat, pulling his knees against his chest before letting himself drop to the side.  
  
Tai stared at the fabric in front of him, tears rolling down his face silently. He was drained. After everything he had done today… every little victory he had achieved it was still like this.  
He was done with it tonight. 

They both were.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't let our boys be happy for too long, can we...
> 
> We're mostly through with showing how fucked up Matt is though, focus will slowly shift towards Tai's problems a little from now on.
> 
> And I actually might write an extra about how TK and Kari's evening went down... If so, I'll let you know. It'll be posted seperatly.  
> You can take guesses at who Daisuke actually meant, I'm not sure it's as obvious as I think it it... ^^


	11. Guilt

Eimi arrived at the club a couple hours early the next day. A local company had rented both karaoke rooms upstairs for late afternoon and she liked to take care of the inventory to keep an eye on restocking orders. She was relieved to found the door actually locked. She didn’t distrust Matt, but she had witnessed enough of those two, to know how things might have led to him forgetting about something like that.  
She found Tai’s stuff still with other checked items that never got picked up last night, so she didn’t bother to check upstairs, before getting her work done down here. She turned on some music, the volume unusually low for the club setting, but it was just to keep her entertained while she went through the cabinets and racks of the bar and the staff kitchen keeping note of what was there and what wasn’t. She had done the closing inventory yesterday too, but she wasn’t too surprised to find some food missing from the kitchen stock. She marked the stuff gone in the color she usually used for “staff meeting”.  
Sometimes her business notes looked more like modern art, because she liked to systemize things by color-coding them. She would have expected the boys to come down sometime around noon. She hadn’t taken Matt for a late sleeper. When the clock neared 1pm she figured it was time to look after the couple.

The milky glass door was lit from behind. Eimi smirked at the possible reasons for that and spend half a thought on just going in… but she had planned on living another day.

 

Both temporary inhabitants of karaoke chamber 2 woke when a polite knock sounded from the door hours later. Matt nearly jumped, only to be caught in his own pants, still hanging around his ankles. His back was hurting from the twisted angle he had slept in.  
“It’s Eimi”, the familiar voice announced a knowing, cheer in her tone. Matt hurried untangling his pants, and pulled his clothes back in place, as he went to get the door. Tai was lying on his back staring at him absently, not really awake just yet… The brunette had his shorts on… that was decent enough, wasn’t it?

“You look like shit”, Eimi greeted him, as he opened the door. Matt huffed at that, just looking back at her with tired eyes, still a little red from all the crying. She leaned to the side waving to the brunette, he didn’t look much better.  
“Hi Eimi”, Tai greeted slowly getting up. His movements were stiff, his face frowning, as he held his ribs. Eimi wasn’t too bothered by the awkwardness of the situation. Really Matt was the only one all weird and barely keeping down a blush. He just wished he hadn't fucked with Tai tonight, they could have avoided all of this mess and been home at his place already. Matt wouldn’t have hurt Tai in the process… and he wouldn’t have to deal with Eimi and her fucking grin right now.  
“You guys had fun?” His boss asked. Matt just huffed, trying to keep his mask up. This was none of her business. To his relieve she didn’t push further.

“It’s past noon. This room’s booked in an hour”, she explained and Matt nodded. He usually wasn’t talkative much less when he just woke up. He heard Tai’s steps behind him, the shuffling of fabric that most likely meant the brunette was putting his pants on. Matt swallowed his thought going back to how Tai had physically turned away that night.  
 “We’ll take care of it”, Matt said his voice dry.  
“Awesome” His boss answered giving him a thumbs up. “See you downstairs.” She already turned to leave as she spoke, and Matt had no reason to stop her. He closed the door, staring at the handle, because with Eimi out of the way his head was still trying to find a way to face his friend.

 

He didn’t expect the brunette to come to him, after how they had let things end that night, but after a few lazy steps the familiar heat was at his back, Tai leaning in to press a gentle kiss on the side of Matt’s neck.  
“I’m…”  
“It’s fine…” Tai cut him off resting his head on Matt’s shoulder for a moment. “It was stupid to expect things to change immediately.” Tai admitted and left Matt silenced. “Let’s get home and talk…” Matt swallowed. More talking… His mood right now wasn’t too bad, but he wouldn’t last another emotional roller-coaster today. He felt the dark thoughts already lingering in the back of his mind. Also, when had HIS home become THEIR home?… He nodded, moving away carefully.  
“Ok”, he said, turning, meeting Tai’s eyes, stunned by the fact his friend was smiling. After all this. Matt would never get how Tai did that. How he kept pushing himself. He once thought he had it figured out, but life had taught him otherwise.

 

By the time they were back at Matt’s place it was late afternoon.  
They had gotten lunch with Eimi, after cleaning the mild mess they had left. The mood had stayed light throughout the meal. After that they had finally left the club to catch a train.  
Tai kicked off his shoes not caring where they landed, before stepping into Matt’s living room. His jacket and backpack went in a similar way and he flopped down onto Matt’s couch, before the blond had even taken his shoes off. Matt frowned, but cleaned up after his friend in silence.  
  
“That bruise is killing me” Tai sighed as he settled. Matt didn’t answer, instead he searched the bag he still held in his hands and threw Tai the pack of painkillers a moment later.  
Tai just laughed scratching his head with one hand. “Right… totally forgot I had those.”  
“Really…” Matt was out of words.  
He went on to get a change of clothes, as Tai swallowed one of the pills and fetched some water from kitchen sink. “I’m taking a shower”, Matt announced from the bedroom, as taking off his shirt reminded him of how sticky he still was. Tai lay down on the couch as he waited, browsing the messages on his phone.

Izzy had agreed to meet him Thursday afternoon. His head was already making up strategies how to let Izzy know about him and Matt, now that he could. It’s not like he had talked to Izzy about his other relationships, but he deserved to know as much as the others did.  
Daisuke had sent a bunch of messages apologizing for the call… Tai would deal with him at a later date…  
He also ignored the messages in his team’s group chat.  
He sent Kari a short message asking if she was ok. For a second he considered writing TK one too, but he decided against it. They were probably still together dealing with the fallout of their night.  
He let Joe know, that he was still alive and thanked him again. He wouldn’t dare to tell him, he messed up and nearly got himself hospitalized. He’d leave the virtue of honesty for Mimi.  
When he was about to put his phone away he hesitated as another one of his friends came to his mind.

What would he even write?...

His fingers moved on their own, and before he quite figured it out, he looked at a short message, yet to be sent:

_I told Matt how I feel._

 

How late was it in New York now? Early morning… not quite; it would be the middle of the night. But she could always read it later right? But what if her phone was not muted and he woke her? What if she was having a nice night out and he ruined it?  
Holding his breath for a second he pressed the button, because in the end he knew those worries were petty excuses.

Matt was taking his time, which was unusual. Tai thought still staring at the screen. That meant the older was trying to stall… Fair enough. Tai had fought the same urge just now. Matt would show up sooner or later; he couldn’t hide in there forever. Tai just needed to not doze off, because even if he had had enough sleep tonight, that didn’t quite make up for all the exhaustion. Tai flinched, as his phone chimed in his hand.

_I’m happy for the two of you._

Tai closed his eyes taking a deep breath, deeply hoping Sora was not alone right now. He could practically see the face she would say something like that with. The one that started to crack after a few seconds, before Sora would excuse herself to cry her eyes out. She lived with Mimi… She wouldn’t be alone, right?  
He was still wondering if he should just throw Mimi some cryptic message too when he heard the water turn off.

 

 

 

Halfway across the world Sora lay in her bed, her eyes red with tears. There was music sounding from their shared living room. Mimi and Michael had some friends over. She had been down there for a while, but since she had seen a certain picture she wasn’t too keen on company. That had been before she had gotten Tai’s message. That one had just opened all floodgates. Sora buried her face in the pillow silencing her own sobs, as the phone nearly slipped through her fingers, after sending off her answer.  
She meant it. She was very happy for them.  
The tension had always been there. She probably knew it before her two best friends had realized it, but she still hadn’t accepted it until much later, because she had not been able to let go of her own feelings. She had been so selfish… And it had gotten her back, just like she knew from the start.  
She couldn’t help it. Looking at those two lines of text hurt more than anything, so she went back to the picture she had gotten earlier in the day. At least she was able to look at that with fondness in her eyes. Matt looked so peaceful, nestled against Tai. Both of them looked messy and worked up from what must have been the fallout of Tai’s confession.  
She couldn’t help but wonder, how it finally went down, after it had been brewing all those years. She smiled at the thought, but it still stung her heart to think about it. She felt left behind, after keeping up with both of them for most of her life. Now she felt like an outsider for good. Had Tai felt the same, when she had started dating Matt? They never really talked about it. Their relationship had lasted for almost five years. Tai had always stuck close, but it still had been a long time, and all she ever really asked was if he was fine with it… with them.  
He had always supported her. And she had let him, even though she had suspected, that the fighting between the boys was not just rivalry. The tension went deeper. She didn’t actually believe in soulmates, but looking at the two of them, she could see how some people did. She felt terrible for not letting Matt go sooner… for not really letting him go at all and instead waiting for him to finally push her away. Because even though she knew… she had still hoped, that maybe she could change him. That maybe she could be enough.  
She hated herself for it.  
But it was a fault she had accepted to life with. Maybe one day the three of them would be able to talk it out, to start over and just be friends again. Maybe one day she would be able to face Matt again. He left the heavy lifting of this emotional mess to him, when she knew he was already struggling. And she had no doubt he was not aware of how much of it was to blame on her instead of him.

It took her a while to calm down, but it left her with that unfulfillable urge to fix all of this. It had been hard for her to realize that with how big of a part she had in this, it wasn’t her place to do so. She had missed the point in time to pick up Matt when he was grieving and she had lost Tai when she send him to pick up the mess he left their friend in, when she left.  
The loss was bad, but she tried to believe it was still fixable somehow. She knew she wasn’t alone in it. In fact there had been a very specific person helping her realize that pulling herself out of the situation might be best for all of them. Who had promised to keep an eye on her ex-fiancé.

Sighing, she went through her contacts calling the one insider she still had in Matt’s  life; Because Tai didn’t count. He had stopped telling her the uncovered truth a long time ago, and she knew, because even through a phone, Tai was bad at lying. Or maybe she just knew him too well.

“Hi Sora-chan” Eimi’s voice was soft, as if she already had a feeling that Sora was wound up. It wasn’t a hard guess, most of their conversations were through text… calling was for urgent matters. “Tai told me he confessed…” Sora just blurted out, another wave of tears filling her eyes and making her voice shake. But it was better like this, no dancing around that reality. Sora tended to do that too much.  
“Oh…Are you ok?” The club owner asked after a moment. Sora nodded, answering with a thin voice and a sniff. “Somewhat. I’m just… I’m glad but...” She wiped a tear away. “I feel like I lost them for good now… Knowing my suspicion was… well… I don’t know how I would ever be able to face them again… They could have had this so much easier if it wasn’t for me…”  
“Oh… So-chan… You know that's not true...” Eimi went silent.  
“How… how are they? Are they still around? Have they fought?”  
“I had lunch with them earlier, but they left a while ago… They seemed fine. Tai really softened up our grumpy DJ, but they seemed friendly. They must have had a fight lately though, because… Tai was on painkillers… But nothing happened in the club as far as I know.” Sora just made small remarks, to let her friend know she was still listening. Hearing Eimi just talk casually was soothing. “You remember Momo? I think I mentioned her. She had that massive crush on Tai since he became a regular… They really got her yesterday… She tried to step in, because she was worried they were having another fight… it was a mess. Those two are too oblivious for their own good, how did you handle them all your life?” She didn’t attempt to answer the question. It took a moment of silence before Eimi went on. “I don’t think they would have gotten this without you, girl. If you need anything, I’ll be here, So-chan… I can try and guilt them into calling you… I know you have a lot of stuff you three should talk about… Well I don’t really know but I can guess.”  
“No… no. They will, when they are ready.”  
Eimi laughed. “I’m not so sure their stubborn heads will manage that, but you still know them better… the offer stands.”  
Sora chuckled lightly. “Thanks, Ei-Nee.”

Their call went on for another while. It was mostly Eimi telling Sora about last evening and the impressions she had been able to get at lunch. Not like she actually got them to talk about how things had gone down, they were not that close, even if she was gladly cheering for those Idiots in love. They needed it…

She knew Sora was too. Ever since she had shown up at the club that one night, just before closing hour, she had decided that the lovely girl that was so unlucky in love with her own fiancé would get her help. Eimi never had a drive to get involved in relationships herself, but she was intrigued by the deep feelings others were able to have for their partners or crushes… or friends. There were days she asked herself if that was messed up, but then again she didn't care too much. She lived happy like this, which was most important to her. And Sora, Matt and Tai were something unusual… Eimi couldn't help but keep an eye on how their story would unfold. So she kept up with them just slightly nudging them in the direction she thought might actually lead them to live happy one day… not only for the boys, but really for Sora too, because the poor girl needed protection from those two… and herself… And Eimi had always wanted to have a little sister to take care of. Keeping Momo away from this mess was a different story…

“Now… how are you So-chan? Should I have waited with the picture… I just thought you might like seeing them peaceful for once. It was too cute.”  
Sora chuckled hearty. “Yeah, they can be, right?” A Yawn interrupted her, before she could elaborate. “I’m better now… Thanks, Ei-nee.”  
“Try and get some sleep then… ok? You can always call, if you can’t…” Eimi did her usual nudging. There wasn’t much more she could do for Sora… and she had a club to run, after all.  
“Thank you.” Sora wiped the lingering wetness from her eyes.  
“I’ll keep you updated.”  
“Have a nice day, Eimi-chan.”  
“Good night, So-chan.”

The line closed and Sora wrapped herself tighter in her blanket. Her heart felt just a little bit lighter now. Sleep didn't come easy but eventually it came and it brought bittersweet dreams of better times. Not only of them, but also of that world, that was so far away now…

 

 

 

Matt lingered in the bathroom until he started shivering from the cold water pouring down his back. He turned it off with a sigh and put on his light, yukata style bathrobe. Sora had made it years ago, the dark blue gray color matching his eyes. A light wave pattern decorated the sleeves. He admired it, as if that could save him from going back to the living room.  
He knew he couldn't stall forever, but he already felt emotionally raw. How was he supposed to survive this?

His home felt unusually warm, as he left the bathroom, probably because he had overdone it with the cold shower. He liked the cold though; it numbed him while making his skin prickle. It cooled his mind as well, making it easier to think clearly.  
He found Tai lying on the couch, eyes closed but it couldn't cover the fresh tears that had collected in his eyes. It was a vivid reminder that this wasn't easy on Tai either. “Hey.” Matt got Tai's attention, brown eyes looking up at him with a fond sadness.  
“Hey” He answered calmly, sitting up, to make some space. The painkillers were already working, silencing the pain it definitely would have caused to do so. Cold radiated off of his friend as he sat down. “Were you trying to freeze yourself to escape me?” Tai asked forcing a smile. Matt reached over threatening Tai with the cold of his wiggling fingers merely an inch away from the others neck. It was a weak replica of their lightheartedness that night. He smiled as Tai just caught his hands and pushed them against his warm lips, shifting the mood back in place.

“So… what's wrong?” Matt asked, the words feeling strange coming from him, when he was so used to not answering the exact same question. Tai warmed his hands breathing on them for another moment, before he handed them back over to Matt's lap.  
“Let's talk first”, Tai said calmly. It stung to get his own treatment back but he wouldn't complain. He tried not to be a hypocrite after all. There weren’t many things he disliked more than people who failed to see their own flaws in others. “Fine.” Matt settled back. Butt Tai stayed silent, staring down at his feet.

“So how do you think our sex life is supposed to work?” Matt took the initiative, because he actually wasn’t shy when it came to talking about it. He had avoided doing so very purposefully and maybe he should be ashamed, but considering what came to light about Tai’s intentions in this, he didn’t bother to feel too guilty about it anymore.  
“I really don't know. But hurting you feels wrong, Matt.” Tai muttered…  
Matt tried to listen a bit closer, than he had a few days ago, when Tai had first brought this up, because now, Matt finally knew WHY. He hadn’t considered Tai might be in love with him… It just wasn’t something he expected from people. “You didn't actually hurt me tonight though; not physically anyway” Matt answered matter-of-factly. Tai’s mouth stood open for a little moment, before he found the words to object: “I…” Tai had to swallow to get the words out. “I choked you… twice.”  
“That was nothing… really. There are not even marks left. And you reacted when I tapped… That was all still very much safe and sane.” Matt knew Tai probably wasn’t aware off the full meaning behind these labels… and about how little Matt cared for them usually. But Matt wasn’t stupid. Tai wasn’t the type to stop and research, before going all in. That was exactly what had gotten them into this mess… what had made Tai the perfect play partner for Matt. But with feelings thrown into the mix, of course it was also what made things so difficult now. Things always had to have more than one angle to them… It was so annoying.

Tai stared at him wide eyed for a moment. “What’s that supposed to mean?” There was a confused anger in his voice. Hearing Matt talk about it like that, made Tai want to shake some sense into him… no marks? Safe and sane?  “What kind of standard is that? That’s not fucking sane, Matt. That’s… that’s…”  
Matt felt his blood run cold at Tai’s anger. He felt his own rise and he couldn’t help to give it some space…  “Yeah, Tai? What is it? What am I? It has a name, you know?” He crossed his arms in front of him, keeping up with Tai’s gaze. He saw how judgment slowly turned into understanding.  
“Masochist”, Tai answered merely whispering. So he wasn’t all clueless. Matt couldn’t help the dark chuckle escaping his throat. Lowering his head to shake it, before catching Tai’s confused eyes with a challenging gaze. Matt lowered his voice, but kept his tone warm. “And what does that mean?”  
Tai sank back, turning away, before he answered. “Pain turns you on.”  
“And knowing that you never even thought about reading up on how things like this usually work out? You just went with it and simply decide to feel all guilty about it one day.” Matt stated, a small tired smile on his face, as he reached for Tai’s chin with one hand. The brunette was faster, turning back to look at Matt with wide eyes and stopping his hand, before it could touch his face.  
“I figured”, Matt just said. It wasn’t a mocking smile. In fact it was somewhat sad, a little guilty.

The silence between them lingered for a moment, as Tai tried to stomach the realization that had just reached him. Matt had let him realize it instead of just hitting him with it, probably because he knew very well, that this was far more effective in getting Tai to listen, when he thought he had already made up his mind. Tai was the first to turn away again, letting his head drop onto the backrest staring at the ceiling. “I am an idiot.” He stated dryly surprised that Matt didn’t comment on it. Instead he moved to sit on top of Tai, legs spread around his, much like they had done tonight. The atmosphere now was different though.  
Matt’s fingers slowly trailed Tai’s neck. Tai didn’t move to look at him yet. He sighed deeply. Of course the feeling of guilt wouldn’t just go away like this, but he wouldn’t deny Matt was right. He had not thought of getting advice. He wouldn’t reject the idea of there being ways to meet Matt’s preferences without making himself feel bad about it. In fact he suspected that most of the guilt he felt probably was because he had no idea how to fit this into his own morals…  
He put his hands on Matt’s hips turning his head back, so he could meet the painfully knowing look his friend was giving him.  


“You like doing this, huh?”, Tai asked after a surprisingly light silence had filled the space for another moment. His hand squeezed lightly emphasizing. He wouldn’t complain about Matt on his lap though. “I guess you’ll have to teach me how things work…” he continued, flashing Matt a suggestive look.  
“I don’t know… you’ve never been a good student…” Matt answered. His eyes were glued on Tai’s, an eager playfulness building up between them. This never got old. Tai grinned back at him.  
“Yamato-senpai, please teach me your ways!” Tai pleaded laughing, pulling Matt down into a light hearted kiss, before he could react to it. Matt was glad Tai wouldn’t see the deep blush those words had cause, sending a delightful shiver down his spine. It made him kiss back just a little more hungry than Tai had expected. Matt pulled back to breath, that’s when Tai blinked up at him, not able to conceal the smirk on his lips, as he tried to follow through with his act. “I promise I’ll be a good student for you.”  Matt grinned and punched his friend’s good site lightly. Tai was pretty sure the rosy color on his friend’s cheeks were not just from their kiss.  
“Stop being stupid”, Matt said, no heat in his voice. He felt the bathrobe shift, it barely covered him sitting like this anyway and he had not bothered to put on underwear. Tai raised his hands resting one on the blonde’s hip and the second trailing the seam of his Yukata upwards. He made no move to remove the fabric though, not stopping the movement, until his hand brushed past Matt’s ear to dig into his hair. Matt rolled his eyes, but if this helped them actually talk, he wouldn’t shy away now. He could do this.  
“Fine… First assignment” Matt said voice as serious as he could manage. He straightened his back a little. “What are you actually into?” He had never worried about Tai’s pleasure too much in their time together; and since it had to work this far, he wouldn’t feel guilty about it. He was curious though. Plus Tai’s answer would give quite some insight into which things he knew; where he stood…  
Because there was no doubt Matt had more experience, he could only wonder if Tai really had any beside those they shared. The way he acted around blowjobs, the way Matt had probably been the first one to fuck Tai’s ass.  
  
Tai blushed at Matt’s question. He hadn’t thought this through and the whole situation had an all too pleasant heat collecting where their hips were only inches apart. Strangely enough the distraction in his pants urged him to keep going. “I like your hair” He started with something easy, circling his fingers through the blond locks to emphasize his point. Matt raised an eyebrow obviously unimpressed by the answer. “I like the way you squirm, when I make you wait for it.” Matt’s hands rested on Tai’s shoulders, a thumb still idly stroking over his neck. “Concentrate, Yagami-kun, this is supposed to be about you.”  
“The kisses really get me…I like taking things slowly”, Tai smirked, “like the other night. Have you begging and screaming and blissed out to exhaustion.” He felt Matt shift on his lap the lower half of the robe nearly falling open. “I guess I prefer being on top…” He flashed Matt a grin. “…or more inside. I won’t stop you riding me again, because that was crazy.” Matt’s cheeks still wore that slight blush that made him look a little less tired of the world. “My ears are kinda… s… sensitive.” One of Matt’s hands moved up at that, stroking aforementioned area, making Tai stutter.  
“I noticed” Mat said smiling sweetly. “You’re also sensitive to cold and you tend to nibble. You like to please and hear the proof of it. Getting fucked yourself doesn’t seem to be a turn down, though… but it’s not like I would challenge you for it. I like getting fucked just fine.” He urged Tai to go on leaning in to whisper into the ear his hand had been caressing. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Tell me something I don’t know already. What do you picture when you touch yourself?”  
Tai’s words were stuck in his throat. His cheeks lit up with a burning heat that could almost keep up with the one in his crotch. He was fucked… The question woke a phantasy he didn’t even dare to think about when he was alone, because… The way it turned him on made him feel guilty just like that. Matt chuckled at Tai’s reaction. Tai tried to come up with any other of his wet dreams, but the picture of a very certain orange haired friend panting breathlessly between the both of them, while he kissed Matt over her shoulder… Suddenly the smell of Peaches seemed to mingle with Matt’s body wash. Tai knew it was just in his head, but it was too vivid. He needed his brain to start working again. Tai cleared his throat lowering his head to rest on Matt’s shoulder.  
“Well, it must be quite something”, Matt said pushing forward so the bulges building under their clothing touched through the fabric.  He turned his head, his lips just behind Tai’s ear. “I won’t judge.” He whispered sweetly.  
   
“I… I like it when you dress up”, Tai somehow managed to continue talking, but his voice was hoarse now. When had his throat become this dry? “Looking all pretty… and intense.” Tai admitted. “I… think about you wearing my clothes sometimes…” Matt stopped his talking with a kiss to his temple.  
“I can tell that’s not what you’ve been thinking about… but fine. Keep your kinks to yourself for now” Matt guided Tai’s head up and in front of his own, placing a faint kiss on his lips. “I’ve had enough talking for now, if you don’t mind.”  
Matt’s hand suddenly was on the bulge in Tai’s pants; the second slowly pulling at the belt holding the blue gown together.  
  
“Wait” Tai choked out. “What about you?”  
Matt chuckled hearty. “Wasn’t most of what we have been doing ‘about me’?” Matt answered. “Kind of unfair to ask too, you didn’t even answer yourself…” Tai’s mouth stood open at that. They had done quite some things. But there had been quite some things, they had done once just for Matt to never bring them up again. Tai had been certain, Matt had been trying out things himself, but then how would he know. The sudden realization of just how much more experience Matt had made Tai fluster.  
“And is all of it…?” Tai asked, slightly scared of the answer he might get, but Matt just laughed, pulling the bathrobe open, despite Tai’s attempt to keep them talking. Tai didn’t look down, keeping his eyes on those deep pools of blue. Could he just drown in them? It would be a sweet escape. Matt pulled Tai’s shirt up, getting it off with little assistance. After that his hands rested on Tai’s pecks. They were just lightly defined, but they were undeniably there. Tai’s skin was dark against his pale hands. Obviously the brunette spent more time outside, that’s how it has always been. His own French heritage played it’s part too.  
“Let me show you…” Matt said giving Tai a promising look. Behind it there was the silent plea for trust. Tai nodded instinctively, slightly regretting not setting some rules first, but the beaming smile on Matt’s face was too worth it, to keep worrying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a good time during holidays, celebrating or not ;)  
> See you next year. 
> 
> Or sooner, if anyone has some input on how the story is doing... always glad to hear your perspectives. ^^  
> Thanks to everyone leaving Kudos too =)


	12. Acceptance

Matt took a deep breath to steady himself, before slowly getting up. He didn’t bother with closing the bathrobe. Tai’s eyes were glued on his every move, but the brunette didn’t say a word. “Now… I’d love to have you carry me, but I guess we’ll spare your ribs for a while” Matt said, smirk fixed in place as he pulled Tai up by his hands and led him to his bed. He knew Tai could carry him; he could pin him down easy enough, when Matt provoked it.

The short walk eased the sexual tension a little, which in the end only helped their cause. Matt gently pushed Tai to sit down on the bed, before he went to the drawer with his toy collection. He just pulled out a few items. “Those are what I usually let people use on me if it gets this far, but most don’t even want them”, he explained to Tai, putting the stuff down on the bed beside him, before placing himself to stand between Tai’s legs. Tai’s eyes were on one level with his navel, half erect cock hanging in the open just below while Tai’s was still tucked away in his jeans. The brunette didn’t make a move though. He just sat there looking up, almost a little shy. Matt let one of his hands glide through Tai’s mess of hair, like the brunette liked to do to him. A little frown appeared on his face as he continued. Matt’s expression was unreadable for Tai but it was less tense, than usual. “It’s not like everybody listens. Once you’re tied up, it usually gets very easy to recognize the real assholes.” Matt said that with his own mistakes in mind. It was too easy to take advantage of someone who let himself be tied up. Tai’s eyes widened, moving down to stare at the dark marks still on Matt’s skin. He moved slowly, fingers brushing over the lines. He wouldn’t even think to connect Matt’s recklessness a few days ago to his words now.  
“Those are from a whip”, Matt explained, catching Tai’s hands and guiding them to touch the bruises further down, where they wrapped around his body one almost perfectly following his hipbone. “I’ve had worse; this one knew what he was doing at least. It did hurt of course, but it was fun.” There had been one time where a guy had left most of his backside covered in bloody stripes… Matt had nearly passed out in the shower because of the pain. Safe to say, he never saw that guy again… and he probably wouldn't tell Tai about something like that just now, because things like those were why he couldn’t deny Tai’s accusation of him letting himself be worn down oh so slowly.  
“I don’t want to do anything like this to you…” Tai whispered, his fingers trailing the separate lines on Matt’s body.  He had had Tai whipping him once, but it hadn’t felt right, so he never brought it up again. He preferred dull, burning pain over the stinging strikes anyway. Thanks to his experiments with Tai he actually knew a lot about what he liked… what he tolerated and what he couldn’t stand. It had made things easier for him, even when it wasn’t his friend sharing his bed.

 

Tai swallowed down the guilt that urged him to yell at Matt for his disconnected way of talking about his injuries. He was trying hard to keep an open mind; to think logically about this and give Matt credit for how thoughtful he seemed to be about this. Tai really wanted to try and understand but thinking about anyone whipping his friend… after they had seen real fighting, real torture…  
“I don’t care about markings… they don’t actually hurt” Matt said, killing that train of thought and giving Tai a chance to think this over. Some part of Matt actually liked the proof of his sex life left on his body; even those that scarred. It was like the stories were itched onto him forever, much more reliable so, than a mere memory. “It’s not like you would worry about hickeys… or scratches.”  
“True”, Tai muttered. In fact he hadn’t spent a second thought about the scratches on his back, after that shower. His first reaction would have been to insist that this was different, but was it really? Why was it so complicated to judge all of a sudden?  
“I like the thought of leaving marks on my partner” Matt added with a dark edge in his voice. It sent a shiver down Tai’s back, his pants feeling just a little tighter. “I’d love to mark you up and down…” _Let people know you’re already taken._ A thought crawled up in his mind, but he pushed it aside. Tai swallowed involuntarily. Matt leaned in until Tai could feel his breath on his neck. “If you’d let me.” Tai realized he was holding his breath but when Matt just pressed a warm kiss on Tai’s skin before leaning back again, he sighed in relief. Fuck, he would let him, but he didn’t have the guts to admit that right now. Matt’s possessiveness might be a double standard, but it really got Tai…

“I…” He was out of words. Matt waited for a moment for Tai’s lips to move again. As they didn’t, he leaned down to kiss him, slowly pushing back, until Tai dropped to lie down. Tai’s leg still hung from the side of the bed. “I think I don’t need to explain to you what I like about blindfolds, do I”, Matt purred, his hands working on Tai’s jeans to keep things moving. Tai’s breathing hitched for a moment, when Matt pulled down the zipper. “Getting tied up works much like it… for me at least. It takes away control… and all in all, that’s what I’m looking for in sex. I don’t want to think. I don’t want to worry…” I don’t want to care. Matt added in his thoughts, but not saying it. He still knew every word of Tai’s confession, he wouldn’t remind him… But in the end that last point was what made it so easy for him to ignore the wrong people did to him, even though he knew it was wrong. He didn’t care what he had to endure, to stop all that complicated thinking that usually filled his head.  
Letting go was hard.  
It either needed the kind of trust he had in Tai… or force. To be fair, he only realized that it really was the trust he had in his friend that made things so different between them. With strangers, he just let them overpower him. If he wasn’t able to fight back, there was no need in thinking further than his hands could reach that moment. It was easy to accept that there were people out there, who would exploit someone willingly getting into a situation like that. Matt had had enough partners who didn’t, but he knew bad guys existed. Everything had a downside. Tai’s downside seemed to be how much he actually cared about Matt; too much for Matt to ignore how going on without clearing up this mess would probably ruin both of them in the long run. And he wouldn’t want to lose Tai.  

“But why… this…”, Tai asked a question, Matt had asked himself several times already. Out of all the things that were out there for people to make their problems go away… why this… the answer was quite simple.  
“If I had kept drinking enough for it to do the trick, I’d probably be dead by now.” And this was easier to get than drugs. His voice sounded strangely cold, as his hands kept moving, pulling Tai’s pants down mechanically. Tai used the moment Matt had to lean down, for getting up. He met the blue eyes on their way back. Matt knew that look. He had seen it on TK’s face a long time ago. “I don’t wish to die”, Matt answered the silent question behind it, his eyes piercingly honest. “Things would be a lot easier if I did.”

 

There they were, barely still dressed but for that moment all sexual tension was gone, as Tai pulled Matt into a hug, burying his face at his friends shoulder. Matt felt Tai’s tears on his chest. He held him, giving him the moment he needed to calm himself down. He nuzzled into the brown hair that was poking his nose anyway. The words flew out of him, calm and affectionate and before he could really think them through… almost like it happened when he sang to his guitar. ”When I ask you to make me forget, I mean it. I don’t want to think about the world out there. Because right now… I just want to be with you.”  
That was just what Tai did to him. It was as close to a confession as he would get for now, but it came from his heart, and it felt far too cliché for him to ever admit to a second time. He closed his eyes taking in Tai’s smell… it was not entirely his own, there still was a hint of lavender and the familiar sharp scent of Matt’s body wash. Which Tai obviously also used as shampoo… Matt made a silent note, to lecture him about that, when he was in the right mind again.  
  
Matt waited for Tai to pick things up again, not wanting to push him into anything. Not today.  
He’d be fine with a cozy evening in front of a movie; he tried to convince himself, just in case Tai wouldn’t want them to go on… His thoughts trailed off.  


Tai gladly took his time working through one thought after the other. He had always been slower to pick up on things than Matt but he felt the weight of this situation between them…  A weight that he felt would ease a lot of things as they went on. After what had happened that night, this felt like progress and as the feelings slowly sank in and he regained control over his eyes, Tai felt the need to show Matt, that he understood. Not all of it… but more than ever before. He started with light kisses on Matt’s shoulder. His hand tightening the grip he had around him, as his mouth trailed up Matt’s neck. He was oddly aware of how he instinctively started just lightly gracing the skin with his teeth just like Matt had pointed out… He explored the idea for a second. Reaching the side of Matt’s neck, just below his ear Tai sucked in a bit of skin and gently bit down. He felt the shiver running through their embrace.  
The blond turned his head, to meet Tai’s lips without another word. The kiss was deep and Tai made sure, to show Matt exactly where HE wanted to be right now. Matt gasped for air, as Tai finally let him breathe again. “I’m here.” Tai said reassuringly hands moving up Matt’s sides underneath the bath robe. It was still so smooth, his frame fit but slim. “Tell me what you need.” His voice was dark, a heavy vibration on Matt’s skin. The blond leaned closer savoring the sensation. There was a filthy smile on his lips as he answered. “I want you to fuck me. Preferably hard.” Tai’s heart skipped a beat.

In a swift motion, Tai’s hands clutched the bathrobe tight and flung Matt around, to send him tumbling backwards onto the bed. If he had resisted, it could have easily gone wrong, but even Matt was stunned for a second. Tai was right above him. There was another kiss, fierce but also heartbreakingly caring in a way that brought tears to Matt’s eyes. Tai wiped them away before they could fall. “Save those for later” The brunette murmured.  
Tai reached over to the side, keeping himself up with one hand. He brought the lube closer and reached out again.  
Matt was surprised when, Tai’s hands also brought the ropes into view. Matt drew back his hands which still had been resting loosely around his friends shoulders.

Blue eyes watched his movements as Tai untangled the bundle. Matt smiled at him fondly presenting his hands. He had tied up Matt before, but never really out of his own initiative. He had no idea what he was doing, even now; he had a picture in his mind, and just a makeshift idea to get there. He took one of Matt’s hands and a short rope and started to wrap one end of it around. “Take it double, it won’t dig in as easily” Matt advised. His eyes were aflame enticed by following Tai’s motions closely. The younger kept looking back at Matt for reassurance, as he followed the advice and started over.  As he came to tying the first knot, Matt brought his second hand in. “Bring it through here. Then loop like this…” Matt finished the knot around his first hand explaining his actions in short comments. “It won’t cut off the blood flow like this. Just don’t make it too tight.” There was another big bonus to it… even with both hands tied to the bed or… wherever, tugging on the looped end of the rope would eventually open the knot and it was fairly doable with just one hand… or his teeth, not that Matt was actually afraid of Tai leaving him. Tai felt a tingling sensation in his lower half as Matt showed him the result.  
He wanted to start and duplicate Matt’s work only… he couldn’t with the other end of the rope. He found Matt laughing freely under him… “Use a second one… you could have had this a lot easier”, Matt smirked. Tai poked his chest. “You’re being rude, sen-pai.” He said emphasizing the title, but he didn’t take offense. Unlike the last time, he didn’t feel like Mat had him cornered. He actually was excited to at least try. This moment felt so tender… Matt lifted the tied hand to pull Tai down by his neck, sharing a heartfelt kiss before letting him continue. Tai hummed into it contently.

He followed Matt’s instructions as best as he could, while the blond smiled expectantly under him. He couldn’t help the grin forming on his own face, even though he felt kind of hopeless about it. It didn’t look too bad in the end and Matt’s intervention at his first try made him sure enough that he would have said something if it was.  Next thing, Tai tied the two ropes together in a simple knot, leaving a good ten inches of give. Then he moved Matt’s hands behind and under the blonde’s head, the ropes resting behind Matt’s neck.  
He placed a fast peck on Matt’s lips before he sat up looking down proudly. “I hope you realize I won’t get out of the gown like this”, Matt commented slightly testing the restrains by moving his hands apart. They were almost comfortable enough to forget about them. Tai shrugged one hand tugging at the blue fabric. “It’s pretty, I don’t mind it.” Tai let himself fall back to sit on his heels between Matt’s legs. He gave himself a moment to admire the view, eyes slowly wandering down, were the wavy fabric had fallen open around Matt’s hips. He lightly rested his hands on his friend thighs. Matt’s cock twitched. It lay on the pale stomach barely half erect. “Like the view?” Matt asked, cocky grin in place in between flushed cheeks. Tai slowly move one hand up, and enjoyed the slight squirming movements Matt tried to hold back.  
“I’m just wondering… what if I had done something one of those times we were at an onsen together. Would I have gotten this instead of having to take a cold shower?” Tai’s hand reached Matt’s cock, wrapping around it stroking idly. “You have no idea how hard getting through puberty like this was.” His eyes moved back up, to meet Matt’s hungry yet resilient gaze. “I didn’t even….ng… know back then” Matt bit out between grinning teeth. “That you’re gay?” Tai laughed lightheartedly. “Just think about it… if I had just pushed you down in the sauna, kissed you crazy… There were so many times we were alone… You like the thought of it too, don’t you.” Tai guessed by the way Matt’s dick had grown in his grip.  
The blond managed a throaty laugh, voice hushed and raw, as he picked Tai’s imagination up. “You think I would have just bent for you? I’m not that easy.” “Who knows…? The sweat the heat… Maybe you would have punched me for the first kiss. Get tangled up a little, but once I had you under me like this…” Matt held his breath as Tai dropped forward catching himself with one hand… “I can take you to an onsen, if you like the idea so much”, Matt gasped trying to keep his cool. He wouldn’t deny he might have given into Tai back then… There had been moments, mainly when they had been tangled up in a fight, where he had felt the tension. It had been easy to dismiss because, when had there ever not been tension between them. Would it have made things easier?  
“Is that a date, Yamato?” Tai asked; lips hovering close enough above Matt’s that he could feel the heated breath from his friend’s mouth. He wrinkled his nose. “Urg… when have you last brushed your teeth?” Matt muttered turning away, but Tai’s head just followed him, teasing him into a kiss. “It’s a date then”, Tai concluded as he drew back, grinning down at Matt’s flustered expression.  
  
“Usually people date before getting to this part… don’t get shy now” Tai joked lightly nudging Matt’s cheek with his nose before getting back up. Matt’s hand wanted to follow Tai’s warmth instinctively but got stopped as the rope was held down by Matt’s neck. It would be easy enough to get out of it, but he didn’t, letting his hands fall back beside his head instead, looking up at Tai with half lid eyes. Tai grabbed the lube bottle again, squirting some on his free hand, and spreading it around with his fingers before putting it at Matt’s ass.  
There was a fleeting moment of hesitation, as Tai saw the muscles in Matt’s lower half tense, but he took a breath and just pushed on finger in as far as it would go all in one steady but not overly fast motion. The gasp Matt made at that was delicious. And the tension went quickly.  
“You know…. You could proba…ly just fuck me an…ng I’d be fine” Matt tried to tease but the swagger was ruined by the little hitches his voice made as Tai started to move his hand. It didn’t even burn like this, not after all the times they had done it this last few days. Maybe if it had been Tai’s dick it still would have. Matt was so used to taking things ups his ass, even the second finger didn’t really cause pain… it felt great though.  
“I told you, I like to see you squirm”, Tai said looking down fondly at the small twitches and the suppressed bending Matt’s body made against the blonde’s best efforts. Tai alternated between thrusting and twisting his fingers. His eyes trailing the lineup of toys Matt had put on the bed. He was willing to try things today; things that didn’t look like they’d just cause straight pain. He withdrew the hand from Matt’s cock, to reach for a small, pink, egg-like shape. He knew what it was…  He knew how to use it. They had done so a few times before… Tai had also already had the unwanted pleasure of having to dig it out of his trembling friend, because he had just put the damn thing inside before he called Tai… just for the extra thrill. There was a thin cord attached to the devise, and Tai tugged on it twice to make the little thing vibrate in his hand.  
   
Matt was fighting hard to keep his eyes on Tai, suppressing the urge to arch his body and throw his head back. His throat went dry when the brunette flipped the vibrator egg in his hand before looking back at him. He felt the precum drop down onto his stomach. “Fuck” he muttered.  
“Not quite yet” Tai said smirking down. He was very pleased with the way Matt looked like this, but he knew Matt could take just a little bit more. He didn’t want to hurt him, but he knew his friend wasn’t fragile… not physically at least. Matt clenched his teeth.  
“You always like to use this thing on yourself, right… I remember having to pull it out of there after a fight once… You were shivering, cock already dripping… but after that head bump I had to check your bleeding nose first.” Tai brought the toy down onto one of Matt’s nipples, making him gasp for air. “Can I fuck you while it’s inside… I wonder…” Tai didn’t really ask, he just found silent foreplay to be very… disheartening. He kept moving the vibrator across Matt’s chest, around the perky nipples until Matt couldn’t resist the urge to arch his back into the touch. Tai picked up the pace with his fingers. “How much stamina did your cold shower give you now…” He trailed the egg down Matt’s stomach, using the bruises some stranger had left there like a maze. “Too fu… slow” Matt bit out his hands stretched the rope behind his neck. “Tai… chi…” Whatever Matt had wanted that to sound like it was nothing more than a moan. Tai avoided the erection, as he move the toy down, but he did just slightly brush past Matt’s balls before bringing it down to his ass and after pulling out the two fingers, slowly pushing it in, not bothering to turn the toy off.  
Matt growled as his cock started pulsing in release… But Tai wrapped the free hand around the base of Matt’s cock, grabbing hard enough to stop the cum from flowing, while the two slick fingers kept pushing the little egg further in. “Please” Matt choked, painful pleasure throbbing in his lower half. His cock was desperately twitching in Tai’s grip. But Tai didn’t let go until he had the vibrator as deep as he would get it, withdrawing both his hands at the same time. Matt’s hips squirmed and thrusted helplessly under him, as Tai leaned forward kissing Matt’s exposed neck. “Such a good senpai”, he whispered nibbling at the soft skin, tasting the salty sweat pouring down the natural lines of muscle. He had harshly interrupted Matt’s orgasm, but that wasn’t straight pain… was it? He knew Matt wouldn’t take long and this one would be worth the little wait. Leaning down a little more, Tai’s own cock rubbed against Matt’s. “Come for me” Tai growled into Matt’s ear lightly biting into the lope.

  
Matt came screaming, with that beautiful desperate pitch to his voice. Tai turned his head a little pressing a kiss on his cheek before leaning in, to whisper into his ear. “Next time… scream my name.” Tai’s heart was pumping way too fast. He wasn’t thinking as straight as he wanted too, but he still had some basic instincts left, despite his own need making his dick throb.  
“Need a moment?” He asked backing up a little. Matt was still panting, but when he opened his eyes it was clear that he was still mostly there. “Just fuck me already!”  Tai’s cock sent a flare of heat through his body. Tai bit down on his lip to keep himself together for another moment. “With the toy inside?” He grinned down cockily. Matt laughed dark and desperate. “I dare you to.” The dark grin on Matt’s face was the real answer to that question. A challenge. Tai sat up, grabbing the lube and spreading some over his dick, purposefully avoiding warming it first, because he was way too close already. His second hand went to tuck on the cord leading into Matt’s ass. It made the blonde jump a little, then tense uncomfortably for a moment, as Tai switched through the setting of the toy. He couldn’t really check but if he read Matt’s body language right and his memory didn’t fail him, the forth sharp tuck should have started the pulsing. The way Matt eased up after a moment, just to bite down on his own teeth next made Tai quite certain he got it right.  
Now… he knew how a vibrator felt against his dick, but he was not prepared for the sensation rising through his body, as he put his tip in place at Matt’s entrance. He could already feel the pulsing vibration, making him inhale a deep breath, just to hold it, while slowly easing in. Matt was panting heavily hand clutching the ropes holding them together. Tai almost came, when his dick hit the vibrator hips snapping forward despite him trying to steel himself for that moment.  
“Fucking… urg…” Tai muttered slowly urging his hips back. He was clenching his teeth just to keep himself together for a little while. Matt growled deeply. “If you won’t last… at least… do it right”  
Tai groaned. Trying to get ahold of himself but failing miserably the second his slow thrust hit the vibrator again. He bit down onto his teeth and just started thrusting faster, he knew the way Matt liked it. His hands grabbed the other’s hips, steadying him a little, while Tai lost all rhythm, pounding into his friend.  
He had closed his eyes at some point.  
  
Matt didn’t do much better … he tried to keep his cool… but he was still sensitive form his own orgasm and with Tai’s cock pushing the toy, the vibrations were so deep inside of him, he still felt them up in his throat. Or maybe that was just his breath, hoarse and desperate. His hold on the ropes made the rough material cut into his skin, his body desperately and uncontrollably tried to meet Tai’s movement.  
Tai already lasted longer than he had expected him too. Matt’s cock twitched in interest, still lying in a pool of his own come. Matt’s thoughts got cloudy, as he felt the heat overwhelm him, not in slow waves, but in a violent crash, as Tai’s uncontrolled thrust hit him just the right way. He couldn’t hold back the noises… his conscious became nothing more than a little whisper in the back of his mind, drowned out by moans and breathless whimpering. Letting go was hard… but like this it was also the best feeling in the world to him.  
  
Tai was barely breathing. Matt’s desperation fueling him… He felt his dick twitching and had half the mind to turn his eyes down again, savoring the sight in front of him… Matt was far gone, a beautiful mess squirming and moaning under him. He switched the fast pace, for a few, last, deep thrust. Matt’s hard cock was flapping audibly in the pool of come. Tai’s hands were pulling the other’s hip in to go just that little bit deeper, vibrating toy pressing against him and making Matt’s insides tighten deliciously. Tai buried himself for the waves of heat that shook him seconds later, filling Matt up.  
He rolled himself off as soon as the pulsing heat stopped, the vibration becoming too much for him very quickly.  
He nuzzled against Matt’s shoulder, bathing in the afterglow of the situation. The sex they had had those last few days was… different in the best way he could imagine. Well. Not counting the times that had ended in absolute catastrophes… which were 2 out of 5. Why did his head start coming up with statistics now…  
Matt turned, stopping that train of thought by head-butting Tai too hard, to still be considered a friendly gesture. “At least turn the thing off.” He barked hoarsly, eyes closed, trails of fresh tears drying on those beautiful red cheeks. There was a small dark spot on his neck where Tai had sucked and bitten… It really didn’t look too… wait… what had Matt said again?  
“Fuck… Sorry”, Tai nearly jumped, taking care of the toy still buzzing away inside of his friend. He tucked twice in fast succession, turning the thing of, and then slowly pulling it out. Most of his own load oozed out of Matt’s ass making for a very delicate picture, before, sure enough, the pink toy left the hole. Matt inhaled sharply as it popped out. Still not quite in his right mind, Tai dragged a finger over Matt’s hole, as if that could sooth him. Matt nearly kicked him off the bed.  
“Sorry”, Tai muttered, not sorry at all and grinning far too wide to make it seem that way. He lay back down beside his friend. Matt turned to face him, bringing the still tied hands up and around his head, to put his arms around Tai’s shoulders instead, catching him inside the bonds.  
  
“You ok?” Tai whispered after a moment, resting his forehead against Matt’s.  
“Mhm-mh” Matt answered, slowly opening his eyes. “Exhausted.”  
“But I did all the work!” Tai claimed voice still lowered… there was no need to get loud when they were only inches apart. Matt just moved his arms a little, then pulled them down harshly, making Tai bump his head against Matt’s chin, as he pushed it out a little. He used the moment of surprise to move closer, idly grinding his hard member against Tai’s stomach. There was still the ghost of Tai’s grip from earlier around his shaft, and it made the heat building up, even more intense. Tai tangled up their legs, locking their lower half together, before pulling his head back a little. The hand still covered in what was left of the lube made its way down between their bodies.  
The rope around Matt’s hair rubbed against the back of his neck, as he tried to get enough space to have  a good view. Due to the restraints Matt’s hands had no choice but to rest on Tai’s shoulders. The brunette felt Matt’s fingertips lightly gracing his ears, as he gently coaxed another orgasm out of his friend. It was shallow this time, Matt’s breathing and hoarse moaning filling the space with an almost tender afterglow of their sex.

 Tai was about to say something, when he caught a glimpse of red in the corner of his eye. He slowly brought his hands up and decisively removed Matt’s tied hand from behind him, bringing them forward for inspection. Matt’s wrists were bright red, and Tai was sure there was a hint of blood on the one he had tied. He tried to open the knots, but couldn’t even remember how he had done them… Matt sighed rolling his eyes, before tugging at a single slope and basically opening the whole thing. Tai removed the ropes tossing them aside and gently stroking over the red marks. There was a little open patch, where the rope had rubbed off the outer layer of skin.  
“Calm down”, Matt reminded him, his tone actually gentle. “Those will be gone tomorrow…” He didn’t feel the small open wound yet. Tai still buried his head in Matt’s hands gently kissing the irritated skin. Matt’s first impulse was to draw them back, but he didn’t act on it and just accepted the gesture. It didn’t feel bad having someone actually care for things like that, even though Tai was overdoing it a little. He found himself nuzzling into Tai’s hair again. He blamed it on the fact, that there was no escaping the messy brown locks anyway. And if they were tickling his nose either way, it was easier to embrace it. Then the smell itched his nose again.  
“Next time I catch you using my body wash as shampoo, I’m kicking you out of my bed” He threatened, without withdrawing from his friend’s hair.  
“There’s a difference?” Tai asked finally letting go of Matt’s hands.  
Matt just gave a warm sigh that tickled on Tai’s scalp and sent a warm shiver down his back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a good start into the new year.


	13. Tension

They stayed in bed like that cuddling for a while, but Matt just couldn’t stay still for long. He could have argued that that was natural. Sticky cum and musky smells drying on their bodies and making the bathrobe stick to him, the light soreness in his lower half… there were lots of good reasons to want to get out of the messed up bed and under the shower… but the real reason was the way his heart felt like it was being squished by the closeness, the tenderness. The feeling made him want to cry, but left his eyes dry. And he couldn’t really name a reason he felt like that now.

He untangled himself from Tai. Brown eyes followed him, as he slowly made his way to the edge of his western style bed. The movement in his lower half made him frown. He knew the feeling of getting fucked raw, but the tingling now just went deeper than he had ever felt it.

“Need some time?” Tai asked sitting up behind him. Matt took a deep breath, before shaking his head. “Only a shower.”

Tai sild to the edge, dragging the covers with him, as he sat beside the blond… “Want some help…” Matt raised a brow at his friend. “Next thing you wanna chew my food for me too… no thanks.” Tai ruffled Matt’s hair from behind. “Taking care of you feels nice, Matt… I know you don’t need someone to fuss… But I like doing it.”

“Fine… just stop being all…” Matt lacked a word for what it was about Tai’s behavior that got on his nerves, he clicked his tongue to stall. “…romantic.” He picked, after Tai’s confused look cut his thinking process short. He turned his gaze down, feeling pathetic. Tai just started laughing, rough hand slapping Matt’s back, before the brunette got up. “Fine”, Tai said shrugging, as he stood in front of Matt waiting for the blond to follow. “I’m not getting near your ice shower anyway”, Tai announced. Matt rolled his eyes and pushed himself off the bed. A little line of mixed body fluids making its way down his leg until it eventually dried. There had been a time, when something like that had grossed him out.

 

Tai felt like walking on clouds. Like he suddenly was half his usual weight; light steps carrying him too effortlessly. Matt slouched in front of him, slightly stiff. Tai couldn’t get rid of the smile on his face. He felt so stupidly happy, his cheeks actually were hurting. The blond peeled the stained robe off his arms and dropped it onto the covered soaking tub. He sat down in front of the shower; it was a modular build, so one could use it while sitting, Japanese style, or just put the showerhead up and stand. It was a little unusual to have the toilet in the same room, but the space didn’t really allow a second room… at least that meant Tai had a place to sit. He let his eyes trail the stripes on Matt’s back. There were more here than in the front.

“What are you waiting for?” Matt turned his head to look at him. Tai lifted his brows. “I said it’s fine, didn’t I…”, Matt explained a little annoyed. Tai got up and took the shower head, slowly turning up the water. “And don’t you dare put the body wash on my hair…this is shampoo…” Matt held up a fancy blue bottle with some name on it Tai wouldn’t even dare to try and pronounce… Probably French.  “I’ll leave your hair to you then…” He leaned down nuzzling his nose through the messy palely golden strands. “Wouldn’t wanna mess that up.” By the time he stood straight again the water had finally gotten some temperature. It was slightly cooler than he liked it, but this was for Matt after all. Matt tensed a little, as Tai started showering him, just getting him wet. It took the blond a moment to embrace the strange feeling of getting it done by someone else, but after the initial hesitation he leaned his head back for Tai to have an easier time with getting his hair wet.

It had grown pretty long, but he liked that for winter, he’d probably get it done came spring. Or maybe he’d ask T… he blushed at his own thought.

The last thing Tai did before putting the showerhead aside was filling the bowl in front of Matt, soaking the cloth inside. “Bodywash?” He asked. Mat took the bottle but set it aside again, getting up. “Sit”, he said, not meeting Tai’s confused eyes as they switched places. He moved around, getting a good look on Tai’s back and the scratches he had left there for the first time. He couldn’t help the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He proceeded to shower Tai, gently cleaning him with the cloth, while the showerhead rested above the brunette. Tai cocked a brow, when Matt hesitated at his crotch for a second. “Come on… it’s not like you haven’t touched it be… iek.” Tai interrupted himself with a deafening shriek.

Matt might accidentally have pushed the regulator a “little bit” towards the blue stripe… Tai tumbled backwards, trying to get out of the splashing water. “You’re dead to me”, Tai said shivering theatrically. But he couldn’t keep a straight face, as he saw Matt doubled over with laughter. It was such an honest gesture of joy, even when it came from malice. Tai got up and turned the water off roughly tousling through Matt’s wet hair, as the blond slowly calmed down. “How can you be sadist and masochist… what have I done to deserve this?” Tai whined comically. Matt wiped a tear from his eye as he straightened up. Tai was already in front of him, pulling him close, lips crashing in a kiss that drained all tension from the scene; and from Matt’s heart, at least for now.

 

They did manage to finish their shower after that. Matt ended up taking care of both their hair, after making a remark about Tai’s mane looking like a hedgehog, and being just as prickly. It was always a little strange seeing Tai’s hair wet, one would expect it to actually surrender to gravity for once, but it was astonishingly resilient, even after Matt put it through a thorough  treatment with shampoo and conditioner. His own hair lay in even strands across his back.

They left the drying off part to do on their own. Matt took care of getting the yukata-bathrobe into the washer, before the stains could fully dry. Tai retrieved some clothing from his bag: He was back in boxers and a plain orange T-Shirt by the time Matt was ready to get some clothes for himself. Tai caught up with him, the shirt Matt had stripped from him earlier in hand. Matt rolled his eyes as Tai gently pulled it over Matt’s head avoiding the wet hair as good as possible. “One day your eyes will just keep spinning…” Tai commented placing a short kiss between his brows. “Sorry, Obaa-chan.” Matt countered.

Their difference in height wasn’t big, but as Matt finished pulling on the shirt, the difference in build was very apparent. It was about one or two sizes off for him, while it was just short of a muscle shirt for the brunette. Tai smiled happily at the sight though.

“Can I at least wear my own shorts?” Matt groaned a little stingy and got Tai to give him some space. “You don’t have to…” Tai grinned. Matt sighed just turning to get out of the towel and into actual clothes.

Standing in front of his mirror, he first noticed the dark spot on his neck. He lightly trailed his finger over it, as if the mark could just disappear, then he found himself smiling. They could figure this out. For now he was pretty sure of that. He could only hope he'd still be when this surreally happy weekend was over.

 

It was too early for dinner, so they ended up on the couch, playing video games once more. There was more friendly banter, the occasional slap or kick, but the mood stayed light. After Tai lost about half a dozen rounds of Smash Bros taking only two wins against the blond, he resigned defeated. He moved to lie sideways, feet on Matt’s lap, head still propped up by his arms. “It’s unfair! You get to practice.” “Sure” Matt said, knowing smile fixed on his face. He didn’t really play games other than with Tai, but he’d let him keep the little bit of pride for now. Matt shoved Tai’s legs off, to lie down across from him, their feet meeting in the middle of the sofa.  


“You’ve got anything to do tomorrow?” Matt asked looking over at Tai across their legs. The younger shifted a little, taking a pillow to keep him up enough, to still see Matt, instead of straining his own arms. “Technically I have classes between 12 and 4” He answered shrugging. Matt nodded.

“I’ve band practice scheduled starting 5pm”, Matt shared his own plans. Beside that there really was nothing he had to do. He could call at the café, he jobbed at when his funds got low, but he had gained quite a bit with his band this summer. He had taken the extra time to write more music, or take more shifts at Eimi’s. He wasn’t all that happy with how the band worked out right now. Tatsuo, the drummer, and Matt didn’t agree on many levels, Matt didn’t want to think about it too hard right now. He had thought about breaking up with them more than once… He was the one getting them most gigs anyway.

Tai tapped his leg with a foot, to get his attention. “You think too much.” Tai stated. He sighed deeply. “I should really go to uni this week, because exams will be coming up and I do have to take at least some of them.” Tai continued sound hesitant about the decision.

“Do you even remember your major?” Matt joked flashing Tai a teasing smile, because he knew full well that Tai almost skipped more classes than he went to these days.

“At least I have one” Tai just said, definitely not pouting. Matt knew Tai was on a scholarship for playing in the soccer team. It kept him busy, because he also had to keep up with the semi-professional regional team he played in. Both teams cut him some slack when it came to training, because no one could realistically keep up double the practice schedule.

“Not like I need it. I’m doing fine. I thought about visiting my grandpa in spring actually.”

“No fair”, Tai said kicking Matt’s leg. He really didn’t like the thought of Matt being so far out of reach, because even after all their talking, he didn’t trust Matt’s self-preservation drive to keep him from doing something stupid. And he didn’t like the thought of having to fill the extra free time. He would never be able to work enough to get the money he’d need to join him though… if Matt would even let him. He sighed silently, forcing himself not to think too hard about it.

“Coach asked me if I would like to take over the middle schoolers and eventually the high school team” Tai suspected that he had enough of the constant injuries crippling the team’s moral. Getting the junior trainer position, meant he would get to coach the younger teams on his own in a year or two. He’d have an actual job and he wasn’t totally averse to the idea. Right now his finances were severely lacking. He got by without asking his parents for help, and that was it.

Mat could actually picture Tai being a good coach. He just was that kind of character most of the time. He could herd in some middle school boys. “Go for it… It’s not like you’re overly invested in studying.”

Tai shrugged. He remembered the advice Nishijima-sensei had given him before… well. He hadn’t figured out how to “build the future” yet. He also kinda never found out what to dream about. He had let himself be dragged along through life, just taking opportunities as they arose. Thinking about it, brought his own mood down considerably.

 

“So you plan on doing music all your life?” Tai asked, trying to distract himself from his own lack of a goal in life. It’s not like he couldn’t picture it. Matt was talented… he had style, charm and good work ethic. If he kept at it like he did, he could actually make a career.

Matt just shrugged, not actually answering.

“I’ll probably do it. Coach might be trying to kick me from the U30 team without just dropping me entirely, though”, Tai said concluding his thoughts. “I can’t just drop out of uni.”

Matt shrugged again. They had had that conversation a few weeks ago. Matt didn’t see the point, then again, Tai had never really told him about the what had gone down before Nishijima’s death. All he knew was from that brieve talk with TK and Sora, when Matt had learned about Tai diciding to doing college prep classes. He had no real insight what affected Tai's thoughts, even though he felt there was something else to this.

“I hate it when you’re indecisive” Matt said voice somewhat distant. “It doesn’t suit you.”

Tai stayed silent at that. He had come to hate making decisions. There had been so many he made, that ended up turning things against him… making things more complicated. Sora had told him, that that just seemed to be how life worked. The older you get, the more complicated things become. As a kid, he had thought that there would be that distant moment he would finally be an adult and have things figured out. He knew better now; and it had him wondering what was left to look forward to.

“Let’s get some food… it’s getting late” Matt finally broke the silence. Tai's change of mood didn’t sit well with him. It was contagious. Tai nodded and followed his friend to the kitchen counter. Matt took a long look inside the fridge, mentally putting their meal together from the ingredients available.

 

Tai was assigned some chopping: spring onions, potatoes, carrots; while Matt prepared the meat. He had decided on Curry. It was simple yet effective and Tai knew from experience Matt’s Curry was something to look forward to. He just couldn't really get excited about it right now.  
Matt was trying to pinpoint the reason for the eerie feeling the silence caused him. It felt like a giant ghost was looming behind them, made of unsaid truths and memories staining… all of this; All of them.  Would they ever be able to move on from that? To get over being stupid kids who didn’t know what their feelings were supposed to mean. Matt ground his teeth lightly. He felt like there was something he needed to do, but much like in the past, he had no clue what it was… only now he had figured out, that there was no silver lining showing him the way, no matter how hard he wished for it to show up. He actually had to do something and just hope not to fuck up.  
  
  


“Were you serious about the date?”, Matt asked after they had been working in silence for a while. He didn’t look up from the frying meat in the pan.

“I don't know.” Tai answered not looking away from his work either. Matt felt a stinging pain in his chest. That mood really pissed him off, even though he knew it all too well. It wasn't fair for him to get angry at Tai, but he couldn't help it. It felt like Tai was dragging his mood down, ruining their moment, when there wasn't a lot of time left, before the world would catch up again. “Tell me when you made up your mind.” Matt huffed back, the words coming out calmer than he felt. He shot the brunette a long somewhat bitter look. Tai looked up for a second, his eyes red. It was hard to tell if it was only from the onions or not. Matt clenched his teeth, turning back to the pot, feeling his insides slowly boiling much like the stew. Tai hadn't said no, but it still felt like a rejection and it didn't sit well with Matt when he had finally made an effort to reach out. He knew it wasn't reasonable… but Tai wasn't being either. In all their time together they should be used to the tense silence between them, but they weren’t.  
It never got easier.

And it lingered.

“Can I stay over tonight?” Tai asked with a calm, husky voice. He nearly cut his thumb, while trying to keep doing his part for their dinner. His eyes burned in a strange mixture of onion tears and heartfelt ones.  “I thought you wanted to go to your classes for once.” Matt’s voice sounded so resigned, it hurt. Tai didn’t want things to be like this.  
“I still can… I just…”, Tai fell silent. He didn’t want to be alone tonight. He didn’t want to spend the night thinking about how he failed Nishijima and the wish he had made for him, sacrificing his life. Tai had been ready to die protecting his friends that day, but he had not considered the weight a sacrifice like that can put on someone’s shoulders until he had seen the other end of it. Yet… had he been in his sensei’s place, he would have done the same. He couldn’t blame him. He wiped the next wave of upcoming tears from his eyes before they could fall, realizing what was happening to him.  
He finally came to look up at Matt. He wasn’t looking back. But Tai knew that face staring down into the pot, refusing to face him. Tai had pushed him away… again. He had done what Matt did to most people… Tai couldn’t imagine how it must feel, after he had been the one prying his way back into Matt’s life despite his resistance. He knew the bitterness in Matt’s expression. It was a face he regretted leaving behind that day more than anything; those teeth clenched, shocked eyes, confused and hurt. It pierced his heart.  
It stung right where it needed to. He knew this feeling. It had stunned him in the past. The sources were different, but it was still the same…  
And after all they had come through, if he was the one to actually fall to fear… how ironic would that be. He understood why Matt hated it.  
Tai hated it himself.  
  
“I want that date”, he said calmly. It might feel weird to do boyfriend things with Yamato, when they had made clear that that’s not what this was. But if something like that could keep him from following his heart, who was he to carry the crest of bravery. Matt was right. Shying away because something might backfire didn’t suit him. He had gotten more considered as he had realized what responsibility really meant, but that was something entirely different. He forced a grin onto his face; he was halfway there to feeling it again. “I can finally tell people we’re dating then…” Tai nudged Matt with his elbow not getting a reaction out of him. “Not just friends with bene…”  Tai continued but was cut off harshly…  
“Don’t even think about using that term.” Matt hissed pointing the spoon he was using to stir the soon-to-be curry at his friends face. Tai lifted his hands, taken aback a little. “Sorry?”, He said more a question than an apology. Matt turned back to the pot not giving any explanaton. Tai finished cutting the potatoes in silence. It was an easier silence then before, but still. With nothing left to do, he picked up two plates and chopsticks before trailing over to the table. He sat down, facing Matt’s back.  
He didn’t get why that term upset Matt, but he wouldn’t push now. Matt needed space and time. Tai still kept falling for it, but he knew that his attempts to ease things out with humor didn’t work for the blond. Not when he was actually hurt.  


“Thursday, 8 p.m.” Matt said after a while. The tone made it obvious it wasn’t a question and Tai regretted that he had to make it one anyway. “I’ve told Izzy I’d come over Thursday. I haven’t seen him in a while.”  
Matt shrugged. “I’ve got a gig on Saturday, full-show practice is on Friday, we are responsible for the setup, so I’ll be busy all day . Wednesday is my only fixed workday at Eimi’s, she has no DJ otherwise. And I have a French course Tuesday afternoon.”

“You’re learning French?” Tai raised a brow. They had never shared schedules or even talked much about what they did outside of seeing each other. At first he was just confused then a very uncomfortable thought hit him. Matt did have family in France and right now he didn’t seem all too happy to be here in Japan. He had cut all ties… The implications were there.  
“Mais oui, Taichi.” Matt answered a slight smile tugging at his lips but not turning to let Tai see it. “I’ve been for about two years now.” Tai swallowed down the bitter thoughts. Matt wouldn’t just run away now, would he? Even if he might have thought about it…  
“You never mentioned it”, Tai said keeping his tone light. Matt shrugged. “Why would I. It’s not like this was about talking before…” Matt started adding the other ingredients into the pot and closed the lit before finally turning to face Tai. “And it’s not like we have been talking about everyday life now…” He moved to lean against a counter. Tai bit back the bitterness that rose at Matt’s indifference about it. “We should”, Tai answered, but didn’t pursue the topic. They still had a date to fit into their messy lives.  

“How about Friday? After your practice?” He proposed. “I guess…” Matt sighed  
 “Or we could always make it a morning date; scare some elders in the sauna.” The smirk on Tai’s face was audible in his words. There was something enticing about the idea that made Tai’s cheek heat up a little. At least it was a fantasy he wouldn’t actually mind telling Matt about. Not like there was a guaranty for them to do anything like that in a public bath. But they could try and the thought of getting caught didn’t make it less tempting. Actually getting caught would be a real buzz kill but that thought went too far now.  
  
“Friday morning then”, Matt said, because he liked to keep dragging Tai home an option and the band usually wouldn’t start practice until noon anyway. Those guys couldn’t be bothered to get up early without the absolute necessity for it; Especially Tatsuo. There were a lot of things they would most likely not get to do in an onsen, and Matt’s idea of a good date still ended in sex, at least when it came to Tai. It would be weird to just do romantic things.  
“My treat”, he added, because unlike himself, Tai had dropped enough little details about his life, that Matt knew Tai didn’t exactly have money to spare. Plus the thought of it would probably drive the brunette crazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing for this slowed down a bit, because of a few tricky scenes, so uploads will too, just a heads up.


	14. Finding balance

Tai ended up staying over for the night and at this point Matt even let him take care of the dishes. He sat on one of the counters and lent a hand, passing Tai dirty plates and pots. He caught himself humming, and Tai smiling at it. The scene felt domestic, almost too much so, but after the last few days even Matt might be fine with keeping it that way.  
Was it weird they could be like this and yet, the thought of going out together actually made him nervous? Probably. Over the years they had seen everything the other had to offer, good and bad. Romance made the blonde uncomfortable though. He didn’t know why.  
  
“Why did you decide on learning French?” Tai asked, as he noticed the quiet melody fading into silence and Matt’s face tensing over whatever he was thinking. Tai still felt a little bitter about what might be behind it. Matt looked up, meeting the worry in those brown eyes and smiled, answering silently, before opening his mouth. Tai wasn’t wrong and Matt had to admit he liked seeing how the idea upset his friend.  
“I thought about moving to live with my grandparents a while ago…after Sora moved away.” Matt let the words float for a moment. “I dropped that idea, when you came back. It’s not like there’s anything to gain from it.” Tai nodded relieved. He had gotten to know the eccentric man TK and Matt called their Ojiisan. He had been kind of overwhelmed back then, with the whole saving the world situation, but thinking back, he liked the man. It was obvious he was himself despite being old and after feeling what growing into adulthood meant Tai could appreciate that.   
“How’s your Grandpa then?”  
Matt shrugged. “Like usual. Age won’t get him down that easily.” Tai knew Matt knew that was not what he meant. Michel and his wife had been over for the funeral, but they had kept to themselves. Understandably so; Matt’s father had been their son-in-law, but they weren’t close. Tai was kind of surprised that Matt had stayed in touch with them, after how things were between him and his mother.  
  
Tai set the last pan aside and wiped his hands dry and turned to face Matt. “Well, if you run off now, at least I know where to look”, Tai commented with an easy smile. Matt huffed amused. “Don’t tempt me.” Yes, he liked the thought of Tai chasing after him. Tai wasn’t the only one getting reassurance out of possessiveness. Tai moved to stand in front of him putting his hands on his hip. Matt actually had to look down at him like this. He idly put his arms on Tai’s shoulder, closing his hands behind Tai’s neck. Tai hummed content, looking up expectantly.  
Matt just stared back for an awkward moment, before he realized what Tai was expecting. He blushed turning away. Tai just chuckled, leaning in and pressing a soft kiss onto Matt’s collarbone. “You know what…” Tai said drawing Matt’s eyes back to him. “You are shit at THIS.” Matt grunted bowing down a little too fast, making their lips clash, pushing his tongue past the smirking lips, that soon enough returned the kiss. He didn’t draw back until he was out of breath, a thin line of spit connected their lips breaking into a little droplet that landed on his knee. They were still just wearing shorts.   
He licked his lips, challenging look fixed at Tai. The brunette exhaled slowly, letting the smirk rise on his face again. “I didn’t mean kissing”, he clarified, gently stroking over Matt’s hip bone with both thumbs. Tai’s eyes went south, where the loose fabric of the other’s underwear started to lift. Matt just huffed. Wasn’t THAT stamina supposed to be somewhat tied to the regular one? How the hell was Matt still so easy to turn on? “Don’t you ever get tired?” He asked simply out of the frustration from not having another round in him, even if he would have wanted. Matt moved a little closer to the edge. “Wanna find out?” He asked, because unlike Tai he didn’t have any remorse about Tai not getting off. He had had enough people who hadn’t cared about him to figure out it wasn’t all about orgasms.  
Tai gave a dark growl, a little frustrated, but definitely not turned down.   
Matt wrapped his legs around the brunette, leaning in to nip on Tai’s ear before whispering: “The record is four.” Tai turned to catch his lips with his own sucking the lower one in and gracing it gently with his teeth. His hands moved down to the hem of Matt’s shorts and pulled them down, lifting him off the counter for a moment, to get them off. Matt did help by untangling his legs for a moment, but pulling Tai back in as soon as the fabric hit the floor. Tai had to relax his jaw again and breathe a moment, because even with painkillers still in his system, his ribs didn’t like that move.

He moved a hand to tease between Matt’s legs, avoiding touching Matt’s half hard cock and instead drawing lines from his balls to his anus, lightly pressuring the entrance, without really pushing in. The muscle was still soft twitching faintly under the touch. Matt leaned down resting his head on Tai’s shoulder, his back arched widely to leave enough space for Tai to move.  
As Tai’s second hand moved up to give Matt’s nipples some attention, Matt’s mouth started caressing his neck. Actually, it was mostly teeth, lightly tugging but not really biting, now and then Matt’s tongue licked over the graced spots settling the skin again, before moving on. Tai hummed appreciative and let the tip of his finger slip in. Yes, there was no lube, but it would be fine, wouldn’t it. Matt had said it himself, and as long as Tai kept things slow… Matt’s mouth wandered upwards, as Tai focused on the digit half inside Matt’s ass. There was still slick left in there, which eased his intrusion, but mostly his mind, once he had spread it a little. Before he knew it Matt’s hot breath was at his ear sending a shiver down his spine. “Ta~i. Can I?” Matt purred in his bedroom voice, low and vibrating through Tai’s thoughts. He felt the heat in his body, but his cock barely twitched flaccid in his shorts. He clenched his teeth nodding.  
He noticed he had stopped moving as Matt rolled his hips against his hand, while his mouth was on its way down to Tai’s neck again. Tai pushed further in. His thump was massaging underneath Matt’s balls, as he started curling his finger inside. Matt’s breath hitched and his hips thrusted lightly forward. Was that the spot Matt had used on him? Tai wondered. He wasn’t really sure what to look for, so he just kept trying around, while Matt kept nibbling at his skin, making the brunette’s neck tense.  
  
The second time Tai hit the right spot, Matt bit down without another warning. The scream that came out of Tai’s mouth surprised even him. Matt growled and Tai realized that his hands had pressed down harder too as a reaction to the sudden pain. When Matt had asked, Tai had thought about a hickey… He had to swallow down a little panic, to regain control and keep going.   
It wasn’t bad, just unexpected.   
And Matt was already licking over the darkening marks his teeth left. There was a low tone in Matt’s throat unsteadily humming, almost purring. Tai drew back his finger adding a second. One of Matt’s hands left from his loose embrace, brushing past Tai’s ear to rest two fingers on his lips. They slowly stroke little circles tempting Tai’s tongue to lick them. Matt took it as an invitation, invading Tai’s mouth with his digits, as Tai inched his own deeper inside of the blonde. Mouth still at Tai’s throat he purred. “Scissor them like this.” He made his point by spreading his own fingers in Tai’s mouth. Tai huffed uneasily and tried to pull his head back.  
Matt took the hint and withdrew his fingers, moving to caress the opposite side of Tai’s neck instead. His own breath grew heavy as Tai followed the advice. Matt closed his eyes concentrating on the sensations on him. His hips were slowly rolling into Tai’s hands, his cock throbbing desperate to be touched. He loved the sensation; the burning tension building up until it broke.  
In this case it broke, when Tai’s second hand pinched one of his nipples, harder than Matt expected it from his friend. A choked yelp escaped him, as a gentle orgasm spouted through him.   
  
Tai felt Matt clench around his fingers, shallow waves rolling though his body, the semen barely drizzled down Matt’s length dripping from his balls onto Tai’s arm. It wasn’t less than usual though, it just came out slowly, more gradual. Tai slowed his fingers down a little stopping the bending and spreading, simply going in and out at a lazy pace, to accompany the gentle pulsing in Matt’s body.   
He knew Matt would be sensitive now, he felt a little uncomfortable himself, but he didn’t stop. It’s not like he wasn’t affected by the situation, by the noises and Matt’s touch, but there was no movement in his lower region even now. They had had a lot of sex… maybe Matt was just more used to it. Tai tried to rationalize it, trying to push eventual doubts away for a later time. Four was the record, Matt had said, well they would see.   
  
 After coming down from the height Matt squirmed tensing up. He drew away a little throwing his head back, hips desperately rolling to get away from the relentless fingers. Tai closed the space between them, kissing and nibbling at Matt’s bared throat. The hand still buried under Matt’s shirt - well his shirt, but anyway - teased the nipples. “Taichi…” Matt moaned and fell back against Tai, limbless. That’s when Tai tried curling his fingers again, finding a fastening pace between thrusting in and trying to find that special spot again. Matt’s head just lay on him now, the weight making things a little more complicated. “Ta… ah.. please…”, Matt could barely get words out. The friction grew, as the lube from their fist encounter ran dry inside him. Tai’s second hand suddenly wrapped around Matt’s cock stroking it back into full length and meeting the pace of Tai’s pounding. It burned, by the time Matt came again. It was dry pleasure shaking him, eating him up from the inside. His penis throbbed limb against Tai’s hand, trying to spurt out something that wasn’t there anymore.  
Tai hummed against him, gone in the moment, and not stopping, even as Matt gripped his shoulders as hard as he still could and tried to push the brunette away.   
“Tai… Stop…”, Matt choked out. “Stop please.” His voice was rough, husky like he had eaten sandpaper. There were tears running down his face. He had not noticed when those had started. His body was aching, cramping in places Matt didn’t thought to be able of even doing so. It was rare that he was pushed to the point of actually asking someone to stop. It usually felt awful, because it either was ignored or people resigned after… but this was Tai. Somehow that made a difference, or so Matt hoped, afraid to his bone, to be disappointed with one of those reactions he was used to.  
  
Tai snapped out of his trance, as Matt’s word finally made him realize his struggling. He coughed, as he choked on a sharp intake of air. He pulled his hand back instantly holding them up and away from Matt. “Sorry… I’m… I’m sorry”, Tai breathed out, settling back into reality.   
He held his hands back a moment, giving Matt a chance to draw away; But as the blond didn’t he wrapped them gently around Matt’s shaking shoulder’s. “I’m sorry.” He repeated a little helpless, resting his own head on Matt’s shoulder, while the blonde’s still lay on his. “Are you ok?” He muttered holding Matt up, as the older slowly steadied himself. Matt nodded faintly, warm tears of relieve filling his eyes.   
“Bed”, Matt huffed tired. Tai nodded helping him down, lending him a steadying shoulder, as Matt’s legs wobbled under his own weight. After a few steps Matt walked on his own again, even though he was still a little shaky. Tai made sure his friend made it to the bed, before walking back to the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water from a cupboard and got back, gently shaking Matt’s shoulder to get his attention.   
“Drink something first”, Tai urged and Matt just followed the instruction, head still spinning a little. Tai’s instinct was probably right; Matt hadn’t had a lot of water today. Dehydration was probably as good of a reason for his dizziness as was overstimulation or exhaustion.   
 Tai took the bottle back and guided Matt to lie under the blankets. The brunette turned to go lie down on the other side, when he caught a glimpse of his own reflection in the mirror. There was a red impregnation of Matt’s teeth at the base of his neck. The teeth marks were turning dark already, and there was no doubt it would be one giant bruise by morning. It didn’t look like Matt had drawn blood, but not far from it. Explaining this to anyone would be awkward. But Tai’s finger’s lightly prodded at the area, feeling at least as much pain as he felt fondness.   
“Come here”, Matt mumbled shifting in the bed, eyes already closed.   
“Sorry”, Tai said automatically, moving on. He slowly climbed onto the bed and joined Matt under the covers. He thought about keeping his distance, giving Matt some space, but it felt wrong. He decided to follow his gut and just cuddle against Matt’s back, spooning the smaller frame and laying an arm across his hips.   
“Stop apologizing” Matt’s voice was still weak, but he leaned back into the warmth.   
Tai kissed Matt’s neck silently, as verbal redemption just had been declared unwanted.   
Matt grumbled something, but didn’t protest.  
  
“Are you hurting?” Tai asked after a moment. He knew Matt was still awake, because he kept slightly shifting in his arms. “It’s fine”, Matt said, not willing to actually answer, because Tai might freak out about it again. Tai hugged him a little tighter.   
“Please, tell me.”  
Matt closed his eyes sighing silently. Tai couldn’t see his face; he was nuzzled against Matt’s hair, his warm breath tickling gently on Matt’s scalp. “I’m sore. Everything back there burns… there wasn’t enough lubrication towards the end but it is FINE. I feel fine; overwhelmingly so.” Matt swallowed down the embarrassment.  “Just stay.” He hurled up a little bit of the covers wiping away the tears filling his eyes again. He had never cried as much as in these last few days and he DID consider himself someone to weep easily.   
“Always.” Tai answered.   
“I…”, Matt said, his voice dying on him, as the words got stuck in his throat. I love you. It’s not that hard. But instead of getting it out there, the tears overwhelmed him again. Tai gently nuzzled through his hair. “It’s fine.” Tai whispered. “We’ve got all the time we want to figure this out.”

And with that they remained in cozy silence, eventually drifting off, Tai’s steady breathing calming Matt’s jumpy nerves and lulling him into the comfort of a dreamless sleep.

 

 

The morning came too soon and with it the reminder, that things would be different than this in everyday life. They had schedules and they had responsibilities. They slept in, even Matt closing his eyes again, after waking early, unwilling to face that reality yet. He had nearly said it yesterday.   
His heart had.  
Now there were a lot of things he wanted to say with it, but when they finally rose from their joined rest, there was barely half an hour left for Tai to get going. Matt made him two sandwiches to take with him, while Tai took a fast shower and got ready. He had to stop by at his apartment to pick up his materials, before heading to his class. It was already tight timing. Matt was still wearing his shirt and a fresh pair of shorts when he met Tai at the door to see him off. There was a weird moment of hesitation until Tai leaned in to place a fast kiss on Matt’s lips.   
“I’ll get going.”  
“Take care.”

When Matt closed the door, he suddenly felt very lost.  
For a moment, it could have been anyone. The burning in his lower half had nothing specific to his friend… boyfriend. He twisted and turned the word in his head. He was; even if they didn’t say this was exclusive, right? This was more than just friendship, it didn’t deserve being put down on that level. Because Matt knew how easy it was to forget about it. He barely spent a single thought on the friends he had pushed away, not when there was Sora… TK… Tai… people that were closer than family to him.   
Oh, what a bearer of Friendship he was…   
He clicked his tongue as he felt tears rise again. He had never really gotten it; what friendship meant to him. What that bond building between people was supposed to be, because in the end, it all seemed to be love… only that friendship never really went deep enough to be called that. Was there even a difference beside that? There was a sarcastic voice in Matt’s head answering the question for him…   
Sure, you don’t fuck your friends.  Well; Usually.   
Fighting down the thoughts invading his head Matt finally turned away from the door. He needed a shower too. He had taken far too many this weekend, but it couldn’t be helped. His hand hesitated halfway, as he pulled Tai’s shirt off. It was faint but Tai’s smell was still there.   
He let it drop again and decided he would have enough time to shower later. He went to make the bed instead and did what little there was left to do to keep his living space clean. Another thing he had had to do far too much of this last few days, but he didn’t mind. He had kept the home tidy when he was living with his father too, it was almost second nature.   
After a small breakfast Matt found himself in front of his PC, idly flipping through his ring of flashcards with French vocabulary, as he had music play over his headphones. Slowly the feeling Tai left behind faded to the background, just like the smell from his shirt faded and daily routine trickled in, taking over Matt’s headspace again and giving him back the comfort and composure of putting a mask on his face.   
They hadn’t clarified when they would meet again, other than their onsen date for Friday morning but they usually met one or two evenings a week anyway. Matt was pretty certain Tai would turn up at the club on Wednesday. Maybe Matt could take another shift there after his French class on Tuesday and flash his friend a message. There was also that apology to Momo, he wouldn’t be able to avoid, or Eimi would be on his back. Somehow just asking Tai to come felt wrong, he had never done that without needing someone to wind down with. It just was not what this was. Or was it now? Matt wouldn’t risk his mood trying to figure that out now. The idea was as good as any plan he would probably come up with, so he went on, asking Eimi and sending Tai a short message, when he got the ok.  
Tai never took long to answer.  
  
_Sorry, I just made plans for dinner with Kari tomorrow; I’ll probably just crash after that. I could pick you up after practice today._  
  
Matt stared down at the screen. It had only been a few hours since they parted now, but he wouldn’t mind. Telling by how things were with the band lately, he’d be a little wound up anyway. He just answered Tai with the time and address of the community hall they had rented for practice. They’d probably be done by 8pm. They didn’t have a lot of new songs lately, because they couldn’t seem to agree on anything, so practice was really more to keep the old stuff in sync. There was a no-girlfriends rule in place for their practices, after Tatsuo had crashed one trying to impress a girl. Did that apply to Tai now? They hadn’t specified; and to be frank, Matt didn’t care. He was just kinda glad Tai would be around, because he unconsciously dreaded having to spend the night alone again. He almost felt the nightmares lurking in the back of his mind, hungry and eager to consume his sleep again.


	15. The band

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plot-chapter *wohoo*

8 p.m. sharp Tai knocked at the soundproof door with the number Matt had given him. It was a small studio in the local community hall, cheap to rent and perfect for a band on the rise, like Matt’s was. He could hear the faint sound of music through the door, but there was no answer. He waited for the music to stop, before knocking again, a little harder this time. He had made a stop to get takeout for both of them, mostly to calm his conscience. Matt had paid for all their food over the weekend after all and it itched him that he had also claimed to pay their date. It wasn’t like Tai had NO money, he just had to keep an eye on it.

A moment later, the blonde opened the door. There was a hint of a smile passing over his face before returning to his usual expression of mild annoyance. “No wonder you’re always broke” Matt commented in his usual dry humor, before stepping aside. “Come in, we’re almost done.”  
Tai smiled wide, because that’s how he was. He gave the other band members a wave. “Yagami? Man, you haven’t changed one bit…” the guitarist commented. Tai had to look twice to recognize the other. “Sato Kaede-san, right?” Tai asked.  
“Kaede is fine. I didn’t know you two still hang”, the almost stranger answered with a smile. He had been in the same year as Matt and Tai but not in their class. They had talked like… twice, at least as far as Tai remembered. His genuine happiness felt a little off for how little they knew each other.  
The drummer wore a teasing smile pointing one of his drum sticks at their guest. “Oi. I thought we had a no girlfriends rule?” he asked flashing Matt a challenging gaze. Matt was walking up to his place at the microphone, his back turned towards Tai. His voice was dry as he answered: “Does he look like a girl to you?” Tai blushed before he could control the reaction and quickly turned to make some space on a chair beside the door (and hide his face). “Yamato, that’s sexist”, the drummer answered. Tai’s head was trying to figure out if the others would wonder about the part of that statement that hadn’t been denied, or if that was just him.  
“Don’t be an ass, Tatsuo”, Kaede butted in, plugging a chord, to try and get the band back to practicing.  “Yeah, we all know why You are not allowed to bring people anymore”, the guy behind the keyboard commented, he sounded pretty annoyed at all of it. Tai sat down, as he got his face under control again. “And here I thought we had made that a rule for all of us… you know… EQUALLY!” Matt’s face was frozen into a stoic expression. “Let’s go through the selection once more and call it a day”, Matt announced ignoring the drummer. Tatsuo clicked his tongue before lazily starting the beat.

 

Tai hadn’t been to Matt’s concerts in ages. Matt had made very clear he didn’t want that when they had started fucking. Naturally his eyes were fixed on the blonde, as they played some songs, Tai didn’t know. Comparing the sounds to Matt’s mixes there was a clear influence of the other band members. Matt’s tones were sharp, and being Indie Rock the band’s sound wasn’t exactly soft either, but it felt… off. It missed the longing Matt’s mixes transported, a sense of nostalgia. It made Matt’s voice sound hollow. It still sounded good but it lacked the conviction Tai knew from Matt's concerts back in the day. Maybe that was just something Tai picked up on.

Matt didn’t look at him. He had his eyes closed a lot and when he had not, he was staring at the opposite wall religiously, as if the lyrics were written there. They played five songs the last one was a slow, ballad like melody, which had Tatsuo silently yawning in the back. Matt had his eyes closed, voice low, singing the sad tale of an unrequited love, being held at arm’s length by their crush, being made to watch, as they went on to live a happy life with someone else, tragically ending with the first person narrator stepping off an edge. Tai stared bluntly, not even noticing the feelings written on his face. He knew Matt was the main songwriter, there was the hint of a chance someone else had written it, but the way it just hit home made Tai suspect Matt had planned this. He just didn’t know if he should be angry or happy, for now he was simply overwhelmed.  
“I’ve had enough of this shit”, Tatsuo announced, before the last note had stopped sounding through the room. He dropped the sticks onto a drum and stood, slowly stretching his arms. He was staring at Tai now. Tai couldn’t make sense of the angry expression, what exactly had he done wrong?  
“Am I the only one seeing this?” The drummer gestured towards Tai, looking at the other band members. “What the fuck, Shiratori!” Matt turned to the offender. Kaede stared back. “And I’m the one not allowed to bring people because I ‘eyefuck’ them… at least I’m not a fucking faggot!”

 

Tai stood but Matt naturally was faster, cutting Tatsuo off on his way off the stage. “Say that again”, he threatened, he was about two inches smaller than the drummer. The black haired male stared down at the blond, gaze furious. “I’m saying your boy toy there is looking at you, like he can’t wait to suck you off and I’m not staying to watch it.” Matt froze. Tatsuo pushed past Matt bumping against the smaller’s shoulder. Tai stepped in front of the door, blocking the way. “Got a problem?”, Tai loomed, even he was smaller than the drummer, but he could take him in a fight and he would. “Go eat a dick”, Tatsuo answered, “But I guess that’s your thing, huh?” “Oi, Tatsuo”, Kaede tried to stop him. “Now fuck o…”, Tatsuo started when Tai hit a nice punch to his side. Tatsuo just pushed Tai aside, sending him tumbling to the floor and reached for the door handle. “Fuck who you want, but I’m going to meet my girl, who is left freezing outside!” Tatsuo looked back at his band one last time before leaving the room and slamming the door shut behind him.  
The words made Tai stop once he was back on his feet. This conflict wasn’t just about bigotry, there was a story behind it and Tai wasn’t the kid that just punched his way through problems anymore; well usually. The way things were with Matt might distract from that growth but outside of that, it was there. “What the hell…”, the guy behind the keyboard commented eyes fixed on Matt. “What was that about?”, Tai asked turning back to the rest.  
“He’s an ass, that’s it”, Matt answered kicking his empty water bottle across the room, barely missing Tai closing in on the stage. “Tatsuo brought a girl once and got… distracted. So Matt threw her out.” Kaede answered, pausing for an awkward moment. “I didn’t know you two were…” “We’re not”, Matt barked back angrily not looking at Tai whose face went plain at the abnegation. There was a moment of silence waiting for something to be said about the situation. Tai’s heart was on fire, but Matt just ignored everyone as he crossed the room. “Sorry”, Kaede said, his eyes were on Tai now… The brunette shrugged. “I guess practice is over then…”, the keyboarder said getting up.

 

 Matt packed his stuff in silence, all of them did and Tai went on awkwardly waiting in the hall, not to occupy any of the relatively scarce space. It made him wonder why the aforementioned girlfriend couldn’t have waited here… But even though he tried not to judge too hard; after Tatsuo’s words, Tai wasn’t too keen on empathy yet.

Kaede was the first to step out. “Hey…” He said somewhat awkwardly stopping in front of the brunette. Tai raised a brow. “Sorry about… that”, Kaede said keeping things vague, gesturing towards the door. Tai was trying to figure out why the guy seemed so nervous. “Don’t worry about it.” Tai tried to brush the topic off, he didn’t want to deal with any of it; in fact, if he didn’t know it to be a very bad idea while still being injured, he would have loved to punch Matt in the face right now. And the anger inside him oozing out as mild annoyance really wasn’t fair towards Kaede.  
“Um...Don’t get this wrong but…” the guy fiddled with something in his pocket pulling out a piece of paper, handing it to Tai. That’s when the door opened. Matt gave them a short glare, before just moving past both of them and angrily hurrying down the hall. Tai let him, even forced himself not to look after him, deciding on checking the paper instead. “What should I be getting wrong?” Tai said a little provocative, recognizing the line of digits as a phone number. Kaede blushed, obviously embarrassed almost looking afraid. Tai laughed lightheartedly. “Sure, ok…” He said packing the note away. “I'm sorry… Tatsuo’s not usually that big of an ass… And I just kinda... I mean it doesn't matter but… Sorry if I got it wrong. If you aren't…” “I’m bi…” The brunette had made the experienced that openness was the easiest way to go about shyness like that. Plus he was at terms with his sexuality, unlike Matt apparently.  “I’m open about it and I get that that was not the actual deal here, don’t worry.” Tai knew people just got like that sometimes, not quite sure how to act around him after he was out… They usually didn't mean any harm. “And no need to be afraid, you heard him…” Tai added smiling slyly, and maybe a little bitter, gesturing down the hall where Matt had disappeared. Maybe he liked to mess with insecure people a little too much.  
Kaede’s face had the color of a ripe tomato. “I just thought it might be good to keep in touch. Tatsuo and Yamato never get along, even on their good days…” The young man tried to reason. Tai actually wasn’t totally sure how to take Kaede’s approach. Maybe he was just nervous to be hit on, because he was straight, Tai had seen more socially awkward things than that.    
“Good to know…” He cut in, as the other didn’t really seem to know how to continue. As soon as his former schoolmate changed the subject he regretted it, though. “So you two are…”

Tai cut him off with a pained expression. “I don't even know.” He said because the word he would have used had been harshly rejected by Matt… “I guess we're dating… we'll see about it.” That had the other smiling politely while obviously and utterly confused. He was fidgeting with his sleeves and it seriously made the brunette nervous. Tai sighed, man this was exhausting…  
“Please… just spit it out.” Tai urged in what he found to be the nicest way possible to express himself. He didn’t have the patience to deal with other people’s fragile feelings right now. That wasn’t exactly fair but it should be understandable considering how Matt had proclaimed they ‘weren’t’ while Tai still had a throbbing bite mark at his neck, that had reminded them of their last night quite vividly. And that his shirt barely covered. Kaede actually straightened his stand a little and Tai tried to focus back on him instead of the rage still building towards Matt. “I always kinda looked up to you back in school… I just really… I’m glad we got to meet again. I hope things work out with Matt.”  
Tai smiled cringing internally; Kaede definitely was the socially awkward type. “Thanks…” There wasn’t really much else for him to say. It was obvious that the other had something else to say and Tai wasn’t dumb enough not to get it; maybe he was really afraid of Matt? Tai couldn’t help but wonder if Kaede would have had the guts to ask him out if he hadn’t confirmed him he was dating Matt. Part of him would have said yes just to piss Matt off after what he had said; a very unreasonable part. Luckily for everyone involved he didn’t feel like being that much of an asshole even after today.

   
Kaede said his goodbye and they parted ways.  
Tai couldn’t help but feel a little impressed. He knew what holding a crush felt like, the situation was totally different but he could still symphysis with the struggle of confessing those feelings. Maybe he should go and have a drink with Kaede sometime if only to get the guilt that started creeping into his mind out of his system and maybe do some good on the guy; he seemed nice after all.  


Tai made his way to the subway riding over to Matt’s place because they needed to talk this out, even if the brunette was still sour; or maybe especially because he was. He was a little surprised not to find Matt on his way, especially since he didn’t need to wait long for the next train…  
Things only got more wondersome, when he arrived at Matt’s apartment and didn’t get an answer after hitting the bell. Was Matt avoiding him? Tai knocked just to be sure. “If you don’t want me here, at least tell me… Else I’m using the key.” He announced. There was no reaction so he went on to unlock the door and enter the place; the still empty place. For a little moment worry crept through him, making his hair stand.  
Was Matt seriously walking here by foot? Tai wondered; moving on to drop his things and get a little comfortable. He was really hungry too, so whatever their talk would end up being like it would have to wait until after they had eaten or take place while they did.  
The food had cooled a little but he deemed it still fine, so he plated it, put it in the oven to keep it warm and went on to set the table.

Matt’s place felt more at home than his own apartment on campus, Tai found himself realizing, as he settled onto the couch. He checked his phone answering a few of his ongoing conversations. He also entered Sato Kaede’s number and send him a short message to not leave that matter waiting. After that little distraction he let himself sink a little deeper into the cushions as his mind came back to Matt. How was he supposed to face him? Yes, this was not exclusive and Tai was fine with it… What bothered him that Matt obviously wasn’t willing to admit to it. There was quite a difference between exclusivity or straight up denial. Tai huffed. It fucking hurt. After he had fought for Matt just being brushed aside was just cruel. And Matt knew better than anyone that his ‘not what it seems’ reaction was just stupid. Yeah, Tai could have tried to keep his face in check but he had seriously not considered it to be that big of a deal. It wouldn’t have been, if there hadn’t been that weird conflict lingering. Matt could just have told him to wait, it was almost like…  
Tai came to a realization.  
Matt had started it. He probably knew perfectly well that that drummer… Tatsuo would react to Tai’s presence and Tatsuo probably knew how to hit Matt’s sore spot, too. Was that whole ordeal their way of psychological warfare? Were they even aware of what they were doing? It didn’t make it okay but it would explain it. Kaede had said those two didn’t get along…  
He also recalled Matt’s word from a few nights prior: He would have bad days and Tai wouldn’t like them. Was this what that was about?  
Tai had a solid hour to turn the situation over in his head, but that didn’t exactly get him closer to a plan how to break his issues with this to the blonde. Once he heard the keys rattle outside the door it came abundantly clear to him that his thinking actually only complicated things.  
  
Matt didn’t say a word upon entering. Tai held out until Matt finally stepped into his field of view after shedding his coat, shoes and bag. “Back to being yourself?” Tai greeted him trying to keep his tone neutral when really he was still far too angry. Matt huffed. “What? It’s not my fault he’s an asshole.” Matt answered and Tai bit back a laugh at how ridiculously unaware Matt was.  
“It’s not him I’m mad at.” Tai clarified standing to face the blond. Matt’s mask was still up, cold eyes staring back at him. “Keep your fucking face in check then!” He muttered just a hint of guilt crossing his expression. “I told you I don’t want people to know…”  
“That you’re gay? Or about me? Are you ashamed about yourself or about being with me; because either is rather hypocrite, after getting mad the second you think someone might be embarrassed about you. Your act today was definitely nothing to be proud of.” Tai had crossed his arms Matt’s shoulders were struggling to keep straight, to hold the wall in place he had struggled to rebuild since Tai had left that morning. He didn’t want to push Tai away, he didn’t want to be like this but…  
He was afraid.  
And he didn’t know how to deal with it. He regretted the words the second he had said them, because he knew full well that with how he had reacted he wasn’t convincing anyone. The only thing he achieved was to hurt Tai. “That’s not it”, he muttered back, trying to keep himself together. Tai was right to be angry; Tai would be right to leave and go see if Kaede was a better catch… He probably was. Even Matt could admit to that.  
“What is it then, Matt?” Tai stepped closed, putting his hands on Matt’s shoulders. It was not an aggressive gesture, it was a gentle, supporting hold, even though he saw the pain in Tai’s eyes. “What can’t you stand for?”  
Matt was shaking under Tai’s hands and he really only realized it because that connection between them transported the subtle motion over to Tai’s arms. It made him anxious. In a freeing gesture he pushed Tai’s arms off and stepped back. He was struggling to find words that expressed the mess of emotions that he knew was behind it. There was far too much… there was Sora and what he had done to her… there was Tai and his blindness for the brunette’s feelings; there was the absurdity that was his sex life; his hidden identity as DJ; His… no their past and the endless struggle to live a normal life despite it … it was like there were two versions of him fighting over who he needed to be… wanted to be. Two totally different people… It had to be like that because…  
“I’m not gay”, he growled out, clenching his fists and biting his teeth as Tai just laughed at him. He just laughed… Matt knew it sounded stupid. But it was also one of the only ways he could make sense of his emotional mess. “Sure, tell yourself that” Tai said and Matt’s temper broke. He stepped forward grabbing Tai by his shirt and harshly shaking him. “I fucking LOVED Sora!” He screamed in Tai’s face and was too busy ignoring the tears flooding his vision to see how the brunette’s expression changed into shocked understanding.  


Tai grabbed Matt’s upper arms to steady their stand and get a little more control over the situation. He knew laughing had been the absolute worst reaction he could have given, but it had come so naturally… It had just slipped out. After watching Matt drag off man after man; not even eyeing a woman for more than two years; after everything Matt did in bed… but of course that’s not what it meant for Matt… Matt had always had a hard time accepting his own feelings and with how the common narrative tended to toss aside the possibility of a broken relationship being anything but ‘fake love’…  
“I know, Matt. And I’m not questioning it…” He tried to calm the blonde but he kept shaking, his grip on Tai’s shirt stretching the fabric, making it pull on the sore mark on Tai’s neck.  
He lifted one hand to cup Matt’s face wiping away a tear. “Love is not that easy…” He said, suddenly more hurt than angry… “I’ve done so many things to get over you; I’ve hurt people, because I loved them for the wrong reasons… but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love them”, Tai had fought with himself about this over and over again. There was no easy way to deal with it. ‘If you break up, you never REALLY loved each other… you just weren’t meant to be… you were not the ONE…’maybe that train of thought really worked for some people, but Tai found it to be very pathetic. It didn’t work out so it wasn’t the real thing? He just couldn’t believe that. Seeing Matt fall prey to those exact impressions hurt him. He would have taken Matt to be stronger than that. To think for himself, but… he really wasn’t when it came to feelings. He had always relied on what other’s though. Matt really wasn’t any better than himself. Tai had just always assumed he was, because what the blonde in fact was better at was denying things and hiding them away.

Matt was staring back at him through his tears a whole ocean of emotions swirling in his gaze as he mumbled on. “I can’t even tell you, that I… It just won’t come out of my mouth. After what I did to Sora… How could I ever claim to love someone?”  
Tai shook his head and pulled the blond into a hug. “You’re an idiot” He said gently nuzzling into Matt’s hair, as he let him cry his eyes out. He gave the smaller all the time he needed to slowly steady himself again and Tai continued, his tone low: “You know she forgave you within months… Even I forgave you years ago… Why can’t you?”  
Matt took a step back, calmly separating from Tai. “I just can’t.” He straightened his back, standing alone like he always did… or tried to do. Tai’s hands sank back to hang on his sides feeling painfully empty.  
“You want to know why I was so furious back then…” Tai asked meeting Matt’s sorry eyes with unfazed determination to make him understand that what happened was not his fault. The blond had initiated the breakup, sure, but it wasn’t just Matt breaking some perfect relationship. Tai had listened to all the things Sora had blamed herself for, crying her eyes out. How she just didn’t know how to help Matt through his grieve, how to deal with Matt’s anger or his drinking and how bad she felt for pouring her heart out to Tai, when he had his own troubles. Back then he hadn’t really understood; he had had a recent breakup to deal with, but it’s not like he was overly heartbroken… now he kinda started to think that Sora might have known about his feelings for Matt from the start. It would fit her and what she did when she decided to leave…  
“Because she was your friend even longer than she was mine and I dumped her in the worst way possible. No explanation, no apologies and just months after we had made plans to marry. There’s no excuse for that.” Matt stated dryly. He just wanted Tai to accept that he was a piece of shit. He was clenching his fists hard. He wanted to punch something… actually; he just wanted to get Tai to punch back, to make him physically feel like the asshole he was.

“I’d love to think that I am that selfless…” Tai said with a dry laugh “…but I’m not. I was furious because you two breaking up meant… I had waited for nothing. All that time I told myself that I was fine, as long as you were happy. That I’d move on eventually… That I would find someone that would make me stop thinking about you and it all felt like a big lie at that time.” Tai was forcing himself to let Matt have the spatial distance he had taken, even though every fiber of him wanted to be closer to the blonde for this kind of talk. “I have fallen for the subconscious urge to replace you before; and believe me the ‘stand-in’… Kohi , wasn’t happy when he found out… It hurt… we did talk it out a few weeks later, but he was a great person; someone I might have actually grown close to if it hadn’t… Well at least with the girls it was easier not to compare them with you.”  
Tai had turned his eyes towards the ceiling remembering one of the most embarrassing moments in his life. He was right in line with how he had forced Agumon into a dark evolution once or his failure at deciding how to fight, when the corrupted Digimon had started to appear… But he had grown from all of these occasions. “Sometimes we do stupid things… or say stupid things; but failures are there to learn from them.” Tai said trying to emphasize with his voice alone, because he didn’t really feel like it would be right to approach Matt again.  
“My waiting wasn’t for nothing; took me some time to figure that out but… Maybe if things went differently you two could have been happy. If life didn’t suck as bad as it did, maybe after a few more years I would have found someone and not mess up. I didn’t date people out of desperation, I’m not that heartless. I did so, because I knew that shutting everyone else out meant I would shut out that possibility four your happiness, too. I would have stayed bitter, so I tried to move on.”

Tai stopped to calm his breath and let the silence linger. It had taken him a long time to come to term with the complex feeling of staying open for love, while trying to get over someone. It did feel wrong at first. Like he wasn’t really in it with all his heart, like he wasn’t on even ground with the people he dated, but that simply wasn’t true. Once he had overcome the thought that there had to be that one true love and accepted the feeling for what it was – painfully complex – he had actually felt better. Felt at ease with whatever path things would take. “Please tell me you get what I’m trying to say…”  
Tai almost begged, because Matt had just been standing there unmoving.  
The tears had dried and his expression was… not blank but even more unreadable than usual; Overwhelmed by too many things at once. Silence engulfed them until Tai’s stomach decided to make itself noticed.

  
Matt’s expression shifted towards a sad smile. “Let’s eat…” he just said not answering his question, because seriously… he didn’t know yet.  
He was confused and kind of puzzled by the fact that Tai was the one to have his feelings figured out. He had never taken Tai as someone that self-reflecting, but then again he hadn’t taken a close look at anyone beside himself in years. Right now, it felt like Tai’s words had ripped out a piece of his heart and Matt’s head was still trying to figure out if it had been something that needed removing or if he should start getting mad. He felt strangely empty. He couldn’t deny that Tai’s word strung a chord he just wasn’t sure if he liked the tune yet.  
“I hope you’re okay with Katsudon”, Tai called him back to the present, as he went to fetch their food from the oven. Matt was slightly impressed Tai had at least made the effort to plate it.

“How do you even keep fit, while eating this stuff on a regular basis?” Matt commented in his usual dry and particularly stingy humor, but it lacked the usual bite. His mind was still too busy to pay the small talk any real attention. He knew that what he said was stupid… not gay… right. And the last two and some years just had not been ‘what they looked like’. Fuck… even for him that was a new low. Not wanting to deny the feelings he somehow still had for Sora was one thing but disregarding everything that had been between him and Tai… Every other signal that he was in fact gay, even before his sexual relations had become more of a casual compensation for the alcohol addiction he had started to fall into… He wasn’t sure it was a full blown addiction; it had been fairly easy for him to replace it with sex, but maybe that was just an equal trade in the end… He still drank too much, too.  
He couldn’t even recall exactly why he had broken up with Sora the day he had. He had been drunk and things between them hadn’t been working out for a while. He felt bad for making Sora worry mostly… Also he felt like shit for some of the things he had done at the clubs. He hadn’t cheated; the sex had only started a few months after their breakup. Throughout his teenage years he had never had an overly huge sex drive. That part of his relationship with Sora had always been difficult at best and Matt smiled painfully thinking back at all the frustration it had caused and yet he never suspected himself to be anything but straight.  
He gave Tai a side-eye as he sat a plate down in front of him. Had Sora talked to him about that, too?  
  
“What’s going on in your head?” Tai asked noticing Matt’s expression as he sat down across the table. Matt shrugged “Nothing, just…” A sly smile moved across his face before he continued with unfazed voice: “…counting all the hints I missed all those years trying to figure out why sex never worked with Sora.”  
Tai made a face, blushing… “Yeah… I don’t really think I want to know the details.” Or more like, he didn’t want to imagine, because that was still nothing he wanted to discuss, and especially not at the dinner table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More plot... more OCs (i swear I did not intend to make like every other of them crush on Tai; I'll stop doing that, I swear; also still no OC shipping, they are just supporting cast as much as I love them)  
> Also, the keyboarder probably wont get a name just because I find it hillarious to do that. ~~Sue me.~~
> 
> I noticed a tendency of mine to make OCs Matt would have a good reason to want to kill for one reason or another...  
> Eimi for reporting to Sora; Momo and Kaede for their crush on Tai; Tatsuo for obvious reasons ~~that are not actually that obvious yet, but you'll see~~
> 
> Also the plot of this thing keeps growing... and if I ever get to actually write it we'll eventually end up in the digiworld.
> 
> I kinda have to accept that that new 20th anniversary movie they announced kinda ruins my beautifully crafted canon-compliancy; but I think I can live with that;  
> I intended to fix some issues I have with Tri in this anyway... while staying true to it that is, just reinterpretting some scenes... [kinda doing some fixing up on earlier chapters, cause I messed up some details (and forgott like half a year in my plotting for how things went down inbetween Tri and this), but it's very minor to the context]  
> basically what I need to fix is... the Digimon weren't just sucked back into the digiworld after the final fight, instead I decided to let that few weeks TK gives us in that "beautiful" epilogue scene play out and have something come up soon after that, (portals start closing all over the place) so the Digimon decide to go back to protect their world. Really the only reason I did cut it from this story at first was, that I deleted it from my memory due to the trauma that implied TaiMei ship caused me...  
> I'm still cringing just thinking about that... (If you like it you do you though.)  
> Might end up giving Meiko some more character traits than "It's all my fault" and "I'm so sorry" without even having her in this story... just to fix that scene at the end... like...  
> well... you'll see, I've rambled enough. 
> 
> Also... if there's anyone out there who'd like to beta-read this... I'll leave this here (I'll drop the work-in-progress stuff there on a regular basis; if you're ~~un~~ lucky you could catch me live-writing... ;) also beware there might be random german popping up in there):  
> [ beware the Spoilers ](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-hm2Uu_REAWB2Lqz_8i0S9noSF73ZKxt-T54nDJtS3U/edit?usp=sharing)  
> if you're helping and leave a comment (in the Docs) with your username, I'll give you a shoutout ;)
> 
> and yeah I kinda just figured out I could use html in notes... so I went back and fixed that too...  
> I'll shut up now.


	16. Progress

They both ate in silence for a while. Each of them had enough things to think about on his own. Tai’s plate emptied a good few minutes faster than Matt’s. So he started cleaning and dropped onto the couch, idly watching Matt poking at his half empty portion. He sighed silently. There was too much to talk about, but too little to say…

Trying to convince Matt to forgive himself for what had happened was hopeless, at least for now. Tai wasn’t dumb enough to try, he knew Matt had a lot to chew on, he just wasn’t sure what else he could do… or if anything would just be too much. He seriously started to consider leaving as the best option and had to physically shake his head to shake that idea off. He would have liked to talk about his observations regarding the situation around Tatsuo. The words were burning on his tongue but he swallowed them too. Pointing Matt to how they riled each other up while he had already made up his mind about the drummer wouldn’t end well. Matt had been wound up because of his band practice often enough for Tai to know that this was more than a one-time occurrence. It really was a pain to figure out how to talk to Matt sometimes…  
Talking about pain…Tai also started feeling the bruise on his side again; it had been a while since he had last taken the painkillers, but if he could, he would prefer to wait until before they went to sleep; and to do that he really needed to get his mind off of it.  
“So… What’s the plan for tonight?” That was a harmless topic, right?  
Matt was still picking rice from his almost empty plate. He raised his head for a moment but his gaze went right through Tai. He was obviously still processing their talk. Tai sighed a little exhausted from dealing with… this.

Matt was somewhere else. He heard Tai talking but he didn’t understand a word of it. He just saw his lips moving, his voice sounding through the room but it was almost like he spoke a different language. As the blonde realized that, he blinked and lowered his gaze again. His plate was as empty as it would get. He wasn’t hungry anymore. With a timid sigh, he stood and went to the kitchen counter to clean up; he had almost forgotten that he probably was ignoring some sort of question Tai had asked.  
He tried to figure out when his attempt of keeping his mood up with sarcasm had failed and turned into this pitiful state of mind. It was the silence most likely. Well, at least he was aware of it now; that meant he had the option to deal with it. He didn’t know how to move on with what they had talked about. He couldn’t deny that Tai was right. Time had passed… but he would always low-key be ashamed of how he handled things, even though he still didn't know how he could have prevented it. There were reasons and explanations, but they all sounded like weak excuses to him. Their talk had only changed one thing about that... maybe, just maybe… even he didn’t deserve to let those mistakes define the rest of his life…  
It wouldn’t be fair to Tai either, as he seemed to be determined to stick with him.  
When Matt turned this time it was to actually face Tai. To look at him and he did, only Tai was already up and halfway through the room, stopping in his tracks as their eyes met. Matt swallowed silently and closed the cupboard he had placed the cleaned plate in. “I think I get it…” Matt said turning back to the brunette. “But I don’t know if that really changes anything. Not yet.”  
Tai looked back confused for a moment, before he picked up the chain of thought Matt was still stuck on. He didn’t recall every word he said, that was just not how he worked, but he could pinpoint it back to the end of their talk… He nodded slightly. His first instinct was to ask ‘when, if not now’… then he had a better idea and ran with it, before he could overthink it.  
“Do you want to talk to her?”

Matt was stunned.  
“Just a… well… I understand if that’s too much… I could stay… or not, whatever you want.” Tai looked worried. Matt had to force down the anger that wanted to crawl up into his mind. Matt had to remind himself that Tai wasn’t trying to hurt him; he was trying to help him move forward; to work things out. The anger was just a twisted defensive mechanism and Matt knew it; just… usually it had served him so well. It had kept him working. But it had never solved things. It had made him lonely and bitter. And while he was convinced that he was good at being alone, if he was being honest… If Tai hadn’t forced himself back into his life. His mind would have probably pushed Matt too far eventually. That or he would have actually ended up taking someone home that gave him more than just a few bruises. He had never let that fear stop him, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t there… he had been glad to have Tai to call on days he had felt actually vulnerable, because he knew those had been the most dangerous nights out.  
“I…” Matt felt the words getting stuck in his throat and took a second to sort himself out. “Just ask her if she could spare the time, please. Don’t tell her it’s me.” Tai raised a brow but pulled his phone out to start typing. A strange itch cause Matt to explain himself despite seeing Tai wasn’t demanding it. “We both know she’d drop any and everything if she knew it was me…” The Self-Confidence in that statement felt wrong, in total contrast to the nervousness taking over his thoughts already, but he tried to preserve as much of it as he could. He would need it. Tai nodded a little absent and Matt kept silent, as the brunette read over the message before sending it and looking back up at him.  
“All done…” He confirmed with a sympathetic smile.  
There was a tense moment of silence, before Matt raised his voice again: “Tai… Thank you. For sticking with me. I don’t know what I would be…” Tai shook his head disrupting Matt before he could finish whatever sentiment he had tried to make there.

“You know… It would be more convincing; if I wasn’t the only person you actually still let into your life… It feels forced, when I seem to be your only option, so safe it for later.” Matt frowned a little hurt to be rejected like that. Tai’s smile was a challenge. “Make up with TK at least… You know it’s not his fault.” Matt deflated and Tai regretted pushing a little… just a little though, he knew it was the right thing to do. He gave Matt a gentle shove to the shoulder. “You’re strong Matt, I never stopped believing in you.” Matt tensed for a second, before closing his eyes and sighing.  
“You’re the worst.” He said not meaning it at all. Tai closed the distance between them and gave him a quick hug before dragging him to the couch to “beat his ass, this time”. Matt had half a heart to laugh about how he wouldn’t mind the literal realization of that idiom either… He knew what Tai meant though.

 

 

They had a nice evening after that. They got to play a few rounds of Smash Bros before Tai got Sora’s answer. They didn’t talk much until then, mostly because Matt was trying to not let his thoughts spiral out of control with how nervous the thought of what he had agreed to made him. And he did so by hard focusing on the game instead. Tai stand no chance. The answer came after about half an hour; telling Tai that Sora would call after her morning class was done and she was back home, in about two hours. She was free for a few hours, but had an outing with Mimi later. It would get late for Matt and Tai, but it’s not like that bothered them. Their schedules for the next day started at noon anyway.

Things weren’t quite as relaxed after the news though. Matt grew fidgety and though he tried really hard to focus, everything seemed to drag his thoughts back to Sora. Tai won a stunning amount of games, so many that he actually sighed in frustration and put the controller down to face Matt. It wasn’t as fun when it wasn’t a challenge. “Come on. Talk to me, before your head explodes.”  
Matt clicked his tongue but sank a little deeper into the cushions. He would have loved to give some snappy remark but somewhere along all their talking he had run out of those. Actually he ran out of energy overall since Tai had broken his reserve again. If the brunette got any better at that it would be very troublesome. “Come on. I need to get my mind OFF of it or I’ll go crazy.” Matt sighed defeated. Tai seemed to consider his words for a moment, before giving him a crooked smile. Matt followed Tai’s next moves with wary eyes.

The brunette placed himself over his friend, strangling his hips and trapping the blond between himself and the backrest much like Matt had done a lot lately. Matt hesitated for a moment. He wasn’t all that sure if this was the kind of distraction he wanted before talking to Sora, but before he reached a conclusion Tai’s lips were on his… and the worries just kinda slipped to the back of his mind.  
It was rare for Tai to initiate…  
Tai’s way of doing so also seemed to be very different than Matt’s. Their bodies remained in respectable distance, while their only contact points were lips and tongues playing a sloppy game of tag that no one really wanted to win; And their legs technically, but Matt’s head was too focused on the sensation of Tai’s mouth. They had to stop and take a breath a few times, the feeling of sharing the air building a whole new sense of intimacy. Matt had entrusted himself to Tai in many different ways over the years, even beyond their sex… He had never felt like he had surrendered himself like this though. He had always tried to keep himself a way to walk away, not necessarily in a physical sense, now the feeling that he wouldn’t be able to keep it that way fought against his urge to just give in. Tai didn’t move his hips, didn’t grind like Matt would have done. Yamato just sat there impassively going with what the younger seemed to have in mind, not outright defensive put sceptically passive.  
At some point Tai’s hands dug into the blond hair, messing the casually styled spikes and making Matt’s scalp tickle with every touch. Tai's tongue was still in his mouth, spending long minutes exploring, like they hadn’t kissed in all their time together. Tai's hands ran down the back of Matt's head combing through his hair and coming to rest in his neck before Tai drew back, leaving Matt breathless for another moment. Matt was fairly aware of his heart beating faster than he’d like to admit. Tai had never been the best kisser, or so Matt had thought, but right now he might just be convinced he had been wrong all this time. Maybe he had just never let him…  
It was a weird roll reversal, but Matt could actually see himself come to like this, it might need some getting used too. It was an interesting observation after he had found little actual liking in the reversal they had had a few days ago.

“You want me to stay for the call?” Tai interrupted Matt’s regretful speculation before it could get out of hand.  
Matt was perplexed for a moment, then he sighed. “What a buzzkill…” Tai smiled proudly anyway. “I got you to relax, didn’t I. Well... “ Tai eyes dipped downwards for a second “...partially, but I promise I’ll take care of the rest later… if you still want me to.” Matt scoffed. He wasn’t even that hard yet. He let Tai wait for an answer for just another moment even though he knew he wouldn’t do this without him.  
“Yeah... Stay.” Tai deserved to know how this played out anyway. It was easier to let him be there then to try and relay the information later on, at least those were the reason Matt would actually care to mention should he be asked.   
“Should I answer the phone?” Matt asked… and already started to search for words to say. How would Sora react? Had it been the wrong move not to tell her it was him? Sure, she would have probably dropped everything to make that call… but what if not?… what if in fact she didn’t want to hear from him ever again? He wouldn’t judge her if that was the case. Tai nodded silently at first then hesitated and added his afterthought: “I can too, if you’re more comfortable with it, but I think it would be best to be straightforward…”  
Matt smiled bitterly and punched Tai’s shoulder in a manner that was a lot more fitting for Tai a few years before today. “Stop being so fucking considerate…” Tai raised his hands in confusion but a second later they both laughed it off. It was a weird moment, making all the things that changed feel prominent, yet kind of insignificant.

“Stop looking like a kicked puppy… I can’t help… ouch!” Matt shoved Tai off of him and smirked fondly as the brunette just dropped to sit beside him wincing; then he noticed Tai pressing a hand to his side. “Fuck… Sorry. I forgot.” Matt muttered sinking into the couch.  
“No big deal”, Tai deflected and shifted trying to find a comfortable position. “I need to take my pill again anyway.”  
“That bad, huh?” Matt raised a brow and Tai just huffed at him. Matt wasn’t unaware of the hypocrisy, not anymore anyway.  
“It just a couple of bruised ribs, I can handle it.” Tai’s indifference stung a little. Matt had been the one to beat his friend like that after all, Tai had barely defended himself… now that Matt thought about it. “You think, you can handle training tomorrow?” Matt asked, not to get too stuck on one thought, he really couldn’t use any overthinking right now. Tai shrugged. “Probably not; I’ll still go, I have a bone to pick with Daisuke.”  
Matt wasn’t all comfortable about prying, but it was better than silence. Silence between them just seemed like a generally bad idea. “About that call?... If he seriously has a crush on TK, I’ll…” One look at Tai’s amused face was enough to shut the older up. Matt clicked his tongue. There was a short moment of silence between them in which Tai bluntly stared at him, not wiping that annoying smile off his face. “Fine… I’ll talk to my brother.” Matt gave in reluctantly.

Tai smiled victorious. “Well, I thought that would be harder…” He commented still amused and making sure his friend could read every little bit of it on his face. Matt rolled his eyes, but it was just friendly annoyance. Tai came to think a step further though. “On that note… It is a little more complex than that, I guess. And you should probably know…” Tai paused to think about how to summarize the whole situation in a neutral way. Matt raised a brow but didn’t disrupt Tai’s thinking. “So… Apparently Kari and Ken have been a couple for a while, or something like that, but now Kari and TK also have a thing. I don’t quite get it; But they all know and are ok with it, as it seems. They didn’t tell any of the others until that night Daisuke called. So… that was that.” Tai caught himself actually forgetting what day it had been. Days had started bleeding together during their weekend and it actually didn’t matter too much.  
Matt was silent for another second, as if he was waiting for Tai to continue, when he didn’t Matt knotted his brows. “That’s messed up.”  
Tai huffed at that. “You’re one to talk.”  
“True that, but that dooms you too.” Matt said with a stinging smile.  
“I’m fine with that; I’m not judging…” Tai said, well at least he was trying not to.  
There was a relaxed pause between them, before Matt huffed a laugh at his own thoughts and suddenly said: “1000Yen on Ken.” Tai was confused and it showed. Matt stretched out his hand repeating the bet: “1000Yen that Daisuke has a thing for Ken.” Tai raised a brow. He took Matt’s hand without thinking… a second later he regretted it, tightened his grip before Matt could draw his hand back. “Let’s make it a date though…” Tai hurried to explain. “Winner gets to decide what we’ll do.”  
“We already have a date planned…”  
“A second one then.” Matt was sceptic about already agreeing to another one, when they hadn’t even figured out if they like going out like that. Matt shrugged it off though. “Fine.” He’d win anyway and then he could still decide to spend the day home. They shook their hands another moment, then the sharp tone of a phone ringing made Matt flinch and stare at the coffee table, where Tai had placed the device.

The brunette checked the screen and went on to hand the phone to Matt who hadn’t moved yet. There was a distinct panic in the blonde’s eyes, that Tai knew far too well. He held out the ringing phone with one hand and reached for one of Matt’s hands with the other, intertwining their fingers and giving a light squeeze. Luckily it did snap Matt out of his stasis. He took the phone, pressed the button and took a shallow breath before raising it to his ear. “Hi Sora…” Matt’s voice was rough. The room was so silent Tai could hear Sora’s voice quite clearly.  
“Yamato?” She sounded uncertain.  
“Sorry to…” Tai kept his eyes fixed on Matt, trying to read him. Matt met his gaze for a moment then coughed drawing back the hand Tai had been holding and closing his eyes. “Sorry.” He said more generally, he couldn’t even pinpoint what it was for. Everything most likely. There was a small pause.   
“Is Tai with you?” Sora asked her voice sounding constrained. Matt only nodded at first, then he realized that wouldn’t do as an answer. “Yeah” he translated the gesture into words after a slightly unnaturally long silence. “He’s listening.” He said a little stiff, his brows furrowed but his voice already a little less hoarse than before. “I’ll put you on speaker.” Matt murmured mostly to himself and lowered the phone. He didn’t lift it to his ear again and just held it between them after doing as said.   
“Hi, Sora”, Tai made himself noticed and Sora’s voice hitched as she greeted him too. Tai closed his eyes smiling, then looked up to meet Matt’s again.  
“I can leave you two, if you’d like…” Tai offered holding the eye contact. Matt looked confused for a second but not offended, a little anxious maybe but he gave a slight nod anyway. Sora deserved to have the same choice he had had and he probably got that without Tai explaining. “No, don’t. It’s fine, stay…” Sora hurried to say her voice still thin. “How are… are you ok?”  
Tai held back, this wasn’t really about him and he felt awkward third wheeling this talk between his friends but since they both wanted him here he would stay. He had endured worse moments, he could do this, despite it checking far too many boxes for things he had been trying to work through regarding this mess of a friendship. Yamato held his gaze for another moment before turning his eyes down to stare at the phone.   
Yamato cleared his throat. “Yeah… Yeah. We are.” He answered, avoiding to look at Tai again.

 

“Yamato?” Sora asked in disbelief, tightening her grip on the phone, because she was honestly scared to drop it. She had just made it home, she hadn’t even gone to her room yet and now she was just stunned in place for a moment. She had expected this to happen eventually… She just had thought she might have the time to prepare herself for it a little more. She wasted a fleeting thought being glad that Mimi wasn’t home, Michael seemed to be out, too.  
“Sorry to…” She heard Matt cough, stalling for words. “Sorry.” He repeated and left it at that, making it sound painfully indefinite.   
Tears shot to her eyes and she tried to blink them away finally willing her feet to move again. “Is Tai with you?” Sora asked her voice heavy with the swelling emotions. She made it to her room and mechanically closed the door before just dropping onto her bed. Matt took long to answer but finally there was a little disoriented “Yeah” confirming her suspicion. “He’s listening.” Matt said a little stiff still but less hoarse than before. “I’ll put you on speaker.” Matt murmured the phone barely picking it up. Sora was too surprised by the whole situation to say anything. She used that moment of silence to wipe the rising tears from her eyes and take a breath. She wasn’t ready for this…  
“Hi, Sora”, Tai’s voice chimed in and Sora’s breath hitched as she replied the simple greeting.  
“I can leave you two, if you’d like…” Tai offered. Sora shook her head before she noticed they wouldn’t see that. “No, don’t”, She expressed hurriedly, “It’s fine. Stay.” She took a breath but needed two tries to form a full sentence anyway. “How are… are you ok?”  
There was a small stretch of silence. Sora imagined the boys exchanging a look unsure who should answer, that telepathic stare those two had going on matching on their faces. Group calls like this always were kind of weird but this one had a potential to be unimaginably worse. She recognized Matt just by the way he cleared his throat before he spoke, “Yes… Yes. We are.” Sora took a silent breath. She already knew, sort of, but it was good to hear it from him. There were a lot of questions on her mind still, none of them appropriate to ask right now. It was Matt’s turn to ask a question anyway: “How are you?”  
Sora gave the answer more thought than she should have needed to. “I’m ok. I’m glad you’re fine… both of you.” At least she knew she really meant it. Her eyes filled with tears again though. “Yamato… I’m… I’m sorry for what happened. I’m sorry I didn’t… I couldn’t” She had tried to form the words in her head before she spoke but they got stuck somewhere along the way anyway. She rubbed away the tears, angry at her own body betraying her.

“What?” Matt huffed in disbelief “What the hell, Sora, you did absolutely nothing wrong! I did...”   
“No, I DID” Sora interrupted him insistently. She was not someone to turn to anger that easily, but she would not let this stand. She knew Matt was blaming himself just as much as she was and as much as she wanted to take all the blame, she knew he wouldn’t let her. Just as much as she wouldn’t let him. If anything it would be hard enough to get him to see the reality: “We both did a lot of stuff very, very wrong.” There was a threatening sadness that managed to seep into her words, despite the determination. Matt’s voice went cold. “I dumped you after I had agreed to marry you, ask literally anybody out…” Sora took a steadying breath before channeling the anger that boiled deep inside her, or more, letting it go. She had kept it down for a long time. “ANYBODY doesn’t know you like I do, Matt. Anybody has nothing to do with this, it’s just us and we messed up.”  
“Stop trying to make me…” Matt started hissing back but Sora didn’t even need to let him finish to know, that he was trying to brush off her words as pity.   
“This is not about making you feel better! I’m serious, Yamato, this isn’t all about you. I could have prevented this outcome just as much as you have and it would have saved all of us a lot of time and pain. But we didn’t. It doesn’t matter who started, i don’t even care who’s fault it’s supposed to be…” When she took breath again she was shaking. She couldn’t even tell what caused it, the usually so well kept anger sure had its part in it but it wasn’t that easy. This was years… almost a decade of pent up emotions. There was a long pause.

 

“You know… it sucks how things went down but, you both kinda need to let go.”, Tai involved himself as the silence lasted, his voice calm and careful. He wasn’t sure if he should stay out of it, but after thinking about it for a moment, it was probably best to at least help them keep the conversation going… other than that he was just an observer. He wasn’t sure he liked that role, because it wasn’t like he really could be… He had his own part in this mess and it was far from detached.   
“But…” Matt tried to say something but Sora was faster, her voice sounding pressed through the phone. “I was selfish.” There was a suppressed sob. Matt and Tai were stunned by the admission because, when had Sora ever been selfish? The girl sighed before going on with heavy voice. “I felt something was off with our relationship but I never confronted you, I kept telling myself that you’d tell me if you… well… but really, I just hoped it would go away if we stuck through it. I saw Tai was struggling, but I kept dragging him into our mess. I might not have caused the problems, but I let myself ignore them just because… I loved you. And I didn’t want to let you go…” Neither had Tai… It had been his own decision and he wanted to say something about it really badly, but this wasn’t about him.   
“So what, you were looking out for yourself for once…” Matt argued surprisingly calm and quiet. Tai studied his face for a while. He wasn’t looking back at him, the blue eyes mostly focussed on the phone, without really looking at it. “I wasn’t just… “ Sora sighed. “I knew you were having doubts about us, I knew it when I asked you to marry me, ok? It’s easy to turn things around and tell yourself, that it was the best form of reassurance one could give, but I know you better than that… And I knew Tai had feelings for you, that you were utterly blind to.” Tai couldn’t help but chuckle silently at that. Of course Sora knew. Doesn’t she always? “I should have confronted you about those… You could have been happy a lot sooner.”  
“Sora…” Tai said, searching for words to argue against her, but he wasn’t even sure he was fully getting it. He had never told her, because he didn’t want to make her feel like he was a threat. He would have never acted on those feelings when his friends were a couple, he just wanted to keep them in his life.   
“Great, so now everyone knows what makes me happy, when I’m still trying to figure it out”, Matt bit out. Tai shouldn’t have turned his gaze to the phone… looking up now there was that familiar angry expression settled onto Matt’s features and it felt so sudden, it pained him. On second glance… it wasn’t quite the same, it was less wrath and more… pain. “That’s not what I…” Sora tried to defend herself but Matt wouldn’t let her.  
“At least Tai had the decency to trust that You and I could have been happy. You’re just trying to convince yourself that this was inevitable, but guess what, if my dad hadn’t died; if I had not started drinking like an idiot we could have stayed happy just like that.” Matt’s voice was hard and Tai stiffend at that direct reference to his words earlier. His heart felt like it was slowly getting squeezed by a very old pain, he closed his eyes and tried to focus on not letting that feeling overwhelm him. He had been prepared for those things to come up.   
“But Matt, you never were….” Sora tried again, her voice trembling. Matt only got louder almost screaming through clenched teeth.  
“No, Sora, you don’t get to tell me how I felt. I felt happy enough to stick with you until I saw how much damage I had done.” There was silent sobbing sounding through the phone. And Tai seriously struggled not to join in. He didn’t want to think about how similar their situations were; That if Matt and Sora actually managed to make up, things might go back without him able to do anything about it. “You don’t get to take the blame for my actions just because you regret not acting on your inquiries. You can’t see the future neither can I… but it’s a little more obvious that not drowning your sorrow in booze is a good idea, than whatever you thought you should have done instead is.“ There was a moment of silence. A very heavy moment in which Tai silently struggled against his thoughts and feelings spiraling downwards. He had thought to have defeated that particular brand of pain a long time ago.  
Turns out finally getting what he long for deleted a lot of that progress. 

“I don’t love him any more than I loved you!” Matt said, his voice still raised, almost yelling. Sora didn’t answer, in fact he suddenly went very silent on the other end of that line. Matt could tell he fucked up again, the only thing he couldn’t quite grasp is… how?   
Tai silently stood and walked towards the bedroom, keeping himself together, if just barely. He shouldn’t have stayed in the first place. He shouldn’t be as hurt as he was by that statement, by this whole talk. He had accepted that Matt loved Sora all those years ago, he had told him he didn’t doubt those feelings just a few hours ago... But those words fucking hurt like he had just been stabbed. He didn’t even notice he was holding his breath until he sank against the closed bedroom door finally taking in some air again in a shaky sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go with another chapter after the "little" break.  
> Those who checked out the docs (that is still a thing btw.) might have read it already, I changed some minor stuff but nothing major.   
> Enjoy.


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